Still Wondering How To Handle Things!!

[Sanderika]

Hi kissak,

I don't post much anymore about me.....I can't, I had to let go of the drama and posting here was keeping the drama alive. I have posted to journal/vent to let out a frustration not expecting a response however. I can definitly understand you.

I just read back a couple of months about your sitch.....

I have been involved in mine now for over 4 years and like you in yours at almost 3 years have also changed, grown and survived this he!!.

My H and I are facing another court appointment on Dec. 4th. We have had 4 appointments to start D proceedings and H has postponed all of them in order to reconcile this marriage. My H has however made no significant changes in his life. He is still with OW.

My H and I have become very good friends in the process, I am grateful for that. A mountain has moved since the bomb in order for that to be.

I see your H as desperate for some reason. He is behaving almost like a stalker. He has a new found interest in your every move. I have to wonder if it is just a simple as him noticing that you are moving forward without him. I think he is just realizing that he is scared to death to lose you. You have grown to be such a strong, healthy (congrats on the weight loss!!!), independant and happy woman. I wonder if H has realized that you are slipping out of his control. I am assuming this, I don't really know your H...he seems a lot like mine. Perhaps he is just now realizing he has been totally miserable for the past 3-4 years and you/kids are exactly what he has missed. As pathetic as they are, I think we are what they have wanted all along. It took living in he!! and dishing out unbelievable hurt to realize it.

I wonder if H has decided (like you) it's now "the last chance". Maybe this is H coming to a turning point.

You are aware of his game and how he plays. You will make the wise choice. I am confident you are so much further ahead of your H. The problem will be whether or not you WANT to give him the "last chance". IMO, if it matters, I would be grateful for another chance to put my family together. I think I would do as the others have said: Not let him move back in. He should court you, afterall this is a new relationship. H will still need to prove he is worthy of you and the kids. H will need to show you he is all about you and the family unit. This isn't going to happen while he is still riding the rollercoaster of emotion.

I am not convinced that he will ever be over the OW. In my sitch I have realized that this person I loathe did play a role in his life and he will most likely have moments the rest of his life that he thinks about her. I would be an idiot if I thought otherwise. With time the thoughts will wane, they will always pop up from time to time. If you can think that way about it you should be able to have a healthy emotion regarding it. Do I make sense, I am not sure my point is being made...

Oh, kissak....I understand and know you so well. I have told you before we are so much alike. I completely relate to your dilemma. I want my H and love him unconditionally very much. I want someone though other than the H he is with her. I don't really want my old H back either (the H he had become 2-4 years post bomb....the H before that OH yeah!!!!). My H and I are very friendly.....I am afraid being just a friend isn't going to work for me. I will never get over him if we remain friendly. I have pretty much decided to go forward with the D in December because I have not seen any real significant changes, to me his actions are screaming and his words are empty. If you remember my H filed last October under pressure from the OW. My H has never really wanted a D from me. His inability to follow through this past year is testimony to that fact. OW be damned. If she only knew what I know......The fact remains he is still with her and I am a slow learner, I don't see that changing for a long while yet.

I am happy to have found you again....I will be interested to see how you decide on this.

I rambled and I am sorry if I seemed to dash about....My thoughts are a bit erratic as the days tick by to the 4th of Dec.

(((((kissak)))))

Sanderika