First, MLC, while not officially diagnosable as a mental illness, is filled with depression. Which IS a diagnosable mental illness. There are many levels of depression and many people who are severly depressed, do things that they really aren’t aware of. People who go into the mania that is the opposite of depression, do things they are not aware of. Most people in MLC, will flat out deny that they said or did things, simply because they don’t remember. They are not aware of so much of what they have done. They are in their own world of hurt and can’t see past the end of their noses.
There are many of us here who could say, “if you only knew what he/she did.” I know if I heard anyone else tell my story, I would ask them to see a psychiatrist. But….
On any given day, in a normal situation (the key word is normal), you are right, WHO would sleep with a married man? Well, whether we want to believe it or not, there are plenty of people who will. In most of these cases, these OP are not in any better shape emotionally or mentally, to know any better. My H’s current OW, she has been D 3 times, do I think she has a CLUE about how to maintain an R? Nope.
So do I judge them? Not any more. It served a purpose for me to carry the anger I had for a long time, but the truth is, all it really did was keep ME stuck in a world of MY OWN hurt, frustration, and blame. Life was unfair, I had no choices, I had no control over whether I was happy or not. Basically, I didn’t want to take responsibility for myself. When I was ready to do that, my world began to change. I began to change. Now, although I still believe my H is making mistakes that he might not be able to undo, I can accept and understand that he needs to try to make himself happy. This is how he thinks that will happen. I love him enough to let him make his choices and want him to be as happy as I am. If that isn’t with me, so be it.
Looking in your own mirror, is NOT just about owning up and saying I did this or that. And expecting that to simply be enough to make the situation different.
I had to change my ways in order for there to be real difference. Over the years, I shut my H out. I didn’t trust him enough to share myself with him. I was scared of his reactions. At first, I tried to just talk and tell him things. But unfortunately, he was still not getting the real me. There was still a part of me, that was afraid. I always said it was of him, but the truth is, I was afraid of me. I was afraid that H would walk away if he knew what was really inside of me. I didn’t accept myself. I do now. Has that brought H back? No. Has that brought some wonderful people into my life? Yes. Do they know about me the things that I have always hidden? Yes. Do they accept me despite those things? Those things that I believed would make me unworthy of caring and compassion and friendship from any human being? Yes. Very much so.
None of us created the situations that brought on MLC. But we all play a role in how the MLC plays out. We all have a role in how our M grow and change or stagnate. Is it fair? Should we have to pay for the sins of our S’s parents or families? NOPE. But it is what we are faced with. There is a reason for it. Reasons for our own healing if we can move beyond our anger at the unfairness of the world.
Is it fair that there are people in this country that are starving everyday, while I throw out moldy bread because we just didn’t get to eat it in time? Should I just be ok with thinking, hey, it is their fault they are starving, they could get a job, or do something because He!!, I work, so can they? I don’t think so. Life is not fair. But I won’t stop eating because some people are starving. I will, however, do what I can to make things different. I bring food every week to one of the local shelters. I used to think it was their problem and that they should just find a way to “fix” themselves.
How do you stop hating? We all find different ways. I hope you do not take offense to what I am about to say, but a year ago, I could have written your words.
First, you have to stop allowing yourself to be the victim. You have to stop looking at the unfairness of all of it, stop saying I did this and it didn’t make a difference, he still doesn’t want me or this or whatever, and be really honest with yourself. You have to decide, what can you control for YOU. What do YOU want for you. What did YOU do, that maybe you could have done differently, WHY did you do those things, are you TRULY a person who, if faced with the exact same situation, would do things differently or would you do them exactly the same way? If you would do things that you could have done better, the same way you handled them in the past, then you haven’t changed. Acknowledgment and change are very different.
If you want to utilize your anger, do it constructively. Use it as a motivation force to want to have the ultimate revenge, which is you truly being happy in your life DESPITE all that H and OW or anyone else has done. Channel it in a way that serves you POSITIVLY. Eventually, you will find that it just isn’t there anymore. You will wonder why you ever were angry in the first place.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
