Last night’s session is a bit of a blur, but it basically functioned as a debriefing session. As I suspected, the C was a bit more open without H there since he didn’t have to worry about driving him off.
It comes down to: • H will probably never see me as up to his standards • H needs help for his own personal issues to let go of his need for control, his sense of entitlement and sex issues • there is no acknowledgment of his own shortcomings in the marriage • H continues to project his own issues onto me • I have already sacrificed way too much to try to save this marriage • There really isn’t anymore that can be done or tried • I’ve been getting ready for this for a long time, I knew it was coming, so be strong and take that next step. Grieve the end of the M, but look forward to new possibilities away from H’s control.
There was more, but I think those were the main points. I filled the MC in on some of the details of what the lifestyle had been like (I gave him some vivid descriptions- of our first time and of one of the local clubs). I told him about what I had been learning on this website and how helpful it has been. While he hasn’t seen the site himself, he was familiar with MWD and her work and was very positive about it.
Gardner- I have been here about three months. It took a while for me to accept everything that people have said here. I have been in denial. Actually, I think I might still have some but I’m pushing forward anyways. I don’t dare risk staying in this M. I’ll just get hurt again.
I am definitely signing a lease tomorrow, but I think I want to set the possession date for 12/1. S18’s b-day is in the middle of the month, and I want to be here for Thanksgiving- we’re always the hosts for that because our house is the only one big enough for H’s family and I really want to see everybody. That also gives me time to tie up some loose ends/projects around the house.
I don’t feel real good right now- this is all still sinking in- but I'll get through it. Don't really have much of a choice, do I?
Bunny, I for one am so proud of you. In these short few months you have faced a lot of demons. I am excited for the journey you are about to embark on. I cant wait for you to feel your freedom from this abusive R/M.
You will be a different person. It will be like watching a beautiful butterfly emerge from it's cocoon.
I am so proud to even know you on this website, and have watched the transformations you have had since you started posting.
Good for you for taking the steps you need FOR you. I feel so good for you, you will be ok!
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I don’t feel real good right now- this is all still sinking in- but I'll get through it. Don't really have much of a choice, do I?
Just acknowledging that, yes, you'll have some sad feelings and as you acknowledge them you can then accept them, and keep moving forward.
Myself having been out now for a bit, and I am sure others will tell you the same, you will feel better! You'll have some peace, and some peace of mind when you are finally out. I know you would not want to hear it, but the sooner the better for you to move.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Bunny, Sounds like a tough session. Those are usually the hardest but best kinds.
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
Gardner- I have been here about three months.
Sorry for the confusion on my part. I started following your sitch on this new thread and didn't realize you had been working much longer and harder.
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
It took a while for me to accept everything that people have said here. I have been in denial. Actually, I think I might still have some but I’m pushing forward anyways. I don’t dare risk staying in this M. I’ll just get hurt again.
((()))
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
I don’t feel real good right now- this is all still sinking in- but I'll get through it. Don't really have much of a choice, do I?
I don't blame you. You will get through it. It's the only healthy choice available.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Hello and good morning- thank you for the thoughts!
I signed up for the apartment yesterday. I can move in 11/28 even tho the lease doesn't start until 12/1- they'll let me have those three days as a bonus. The lady in the office was really sweet. She said her church had just started a Divorce Recovery Support group session and offered to sponsor me if I wanted to go. I don't think I'm ready for that just yet but I will consider it after I'm out.
So I guess Thanksgiving dinner is my last hurrah here, then I'm out. I feel sick to my stomach this weekend, but that too shall pass, I know. Gotta get past the suckiness...
One of the guys at work knew I was having marriage problems, he had been a bit of a sympathetic ear as we we're going to the MC since he's been there himself (he's divorced). I told him on my way out on Friday what I was planning, and he was quite surprised. He thought we would make it. He was a bit concerned about me leaving the house from a legal-strategy POV, but I told him it was for my emotional health, and that he understood, especially when I told him what the MC said at the last session.
Bonus- he's a partner at the firm. He said if I wanted, we could handle the divorce in-house so I wouldn't incur atty fees, just court costs. One of our guys does domestic and does a good job of it, so that's probably what I'll do. Hell, I fill the forms our for other people, I guess I can fill my own out too, right?
I told my Dad yesterday at lunch. He's not saying anything to Mom until she gets back from her trip to see my brother, and Dad will let me tell her. That was hard.
I have to drive S18 back to college this morning, time out of the house sounds good.
Does anybody have any suggestions about when to tell H that I'm moving? I thought I would tell him the weekend before, I'm not worried about any drama from him. I also thought I would let his sister know, so that maybe she could invite him and the kids to her house while I'm moving because I really don't want anyone there.
Also- when does the sick feeling go away? I'm not feeling excited about this at all, the whole thing just feels wrong and surreal.
Bunny, not sure I can offer advice on when you should tell him, based on my own sitch. What your suggesting sounds good, but you truly know your H, and how he may/may not react, so think you'll come to a good decision on when.
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when does the sick feeling go away? I'm not feeling excited about this at all, the whole thing just feels wrong and surreal.
This one took me some time to get my head around too, but one thing that helped was to 'think' about the feelings.
It 'feels' wrong, because your emotions are dictating some of your thinking. In other words, think about your current relationship. Is it he one you want? Not from what I have read in your sitch, but you are still 'feeling' like your a family still, and separating is not something that comes from feeling like your part of a family.
However, you know what you need to do for you, and that is what will help get past these feelings. I have only been out for 14 days or so, and under much less anxiety, dread, fear, etc, etc, which allows you to focus more clearly on what you need for you.
Hope I am not rambling here, just hoping to offer some help. I was driving the moving truck away the day I moved, and saying to the person helping me at the same time that it just didn't 'feel' right at all, but that I knew for my own emotional and well being that I HAD to do it..
Hugs Bunny!
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
your emotions are dictating some of your thinking... you are still 'feeling' like your a family still, and separating is not something that comes from feeling like your part of a family.
You are so right. I'm probably not as detached as I thought I was. I have to listen to my brain more and remember that "it's not all about me" or I'll keep asking myself "why?".
