Hey, Sunshine! I'm glad you got my note. You can also give me your e-mail address and we can chat that way too. I know Ali has mine, so if you want to go that route, we can.
Glad you enjoyed your holiday and I'll check in w/your thread today now that I've been able to hack around the school server.
I'm a bit bummed this year b/c I don't have D w/me for Halloween. It will be the 1st time since she's been born I've been w/out her on Halloween, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do...however I do know I'll be doing something to keep busy.
So this morning, D again asked if I wished I hadn't yelled at "Mommy" b/c we'd still be together and I wouldn't have to miss going trick-or-treating w/her. D said that is what "mommy told me."
I explained to D again about how it takes two to make a marriage and two to break a marriage, but both her mother and I were equally at fault.
I e-mailed XW about it and she said she'd address it, but I'm not sure if this will really be done in the end. However, I can't control it, so it is fine, but I will make sure that every time this comes up, D will know that while I had my warts, I was only half of the blame for our divorce.
XW seems oblivious as to what D thinks and feels. XW doesn't think D picks up on what is said and how she reacts when it comes to me. To XW, if she doesn't say anything, then D will never know she's angry w/me, blames me, etc.
Complete rubbish. Kids are so perceptive. They pick up everything. My D is no exception.
So, here's the latest w/the one I'll refer to as GF...
She sent me a text as I was leaving work asking what I was doing tonight. I told her I had options and asked her what was up. She then asked if I was going out and I told her it was either to a movie w/a gal or to the school football game.
She told me to text her when I decided what I wanted to do. I sent a text saying I didn't want to drive all the way back across town for the game, so that is out.
She replied with "if you are set on going to the movie, I'll see what my girlfriend is doing. I'll let you know." I told her I wasn't set on anything, but didn't want to sit still and if she had a better option, I'd hang w/her tonight.
She texts back w/an offer to go hang out w/her and her friend and I say "give me a minute to mull it over." Well, that got me a response of "it doesn't seem as if you are interested, so we'll catch up some other time."
My reply was "I just cancelled my movie date, so I'm in. Do I meet you there or pick you up at your place?"
So, I'll be hanging out w/GF tonight and have a chance to interact w/her and see where things are. I'm not going to be anything more than someone to have fun w/and I'll leave it at that.
I do find it interesting that by letting her know there was a possibility of my being on a date w/another gal and playing hard to get, her interest level rose. She actually competed to see if I'd go out w/her or not tonight.
So, it is going to be interesting and fun to see how tonight goes. I do know one thing, if she thought I was needy before, she'll never see that side of me again...especially tonight.
Had a great time last night. I'll elaborate later, but Gypsy, Kat, Kalni, Donna, Gucci, and Kerry...you were right about a lot of things and I was able to trust myself, be myself, and let go.
I'm starting to understand how to enjoy being me. Thank you for all your words, advice, hugs, and 2X4s. This has been an interesting experience, and I think I'm starting to figure out how to find me....FINALLY!
Ok, so I went out w/GF last night and we went to meet her friends at a concert in Tempe.
The entire night I was relaxed, didn't try to touch her or kiss her, and just was letting myself be me. She kissed me 1st and when we were at the concert, she got jealous because I was talking to other ladies. I wasn't trying to pick them up, but just talking as we were standing around.
In fact, not only was GF attracted to me, other women were as well. Why? I was confident and relaxed. Period. It was amazing to see how much fun I could have and how confident I could be if I just trusted and let things happen.
I didn't smother or bother GF all night, but she constantly was interested in me. We were out very late and I ended up staying over w/her. I kissed her goodnight, but didn't try anything else.
The morning came super early and I had to get up and leave well before I wanted to even be out of bed. When I told her I had to go, she rolled over, put her arm around me, snuggled up to me and said she didn't want me to stay, but wanted me to snuggle up w/her instead.
I told her maybe next time b/c I had to go, squeezed her hand and left. I got in touch w/her after I did all my things for me this afternoon and we talked a bit...then I crashed for 2 1/2 hours.
She's taking her son out trick-or-treating tonight, then he'll go w/his dad. I'm not sure if we'll try to hang out or not, but I'm ok w/it. I may end up doing something on my own or might just stay in b/c I'm still a bit beat up.
Regardless, I was relaxed w/GF and didn't look for her approval for anything. Didn't need her at all, but was having fun w/her. Had fun being in my own skin and realized that I am found to be very attractive to other ladies. I don't want to date anyone else seriously right now, but I'll go out on casual dates, have fun, relax and just enjoy existing on this planet. It was very clear that her attraction to me was still very much there and she does want me around, but just doesn't want to get heavy.
Pretty much that screams that I was acting way too needy and was way too accomodating w/out protecting myself. It also let me know that I need to lead and not be the "nice guy wimp" my mother (and all of our mothers, for the most part) told us to be toward women. It sounds good in fantasy, but in reality, it just makes us look like clingy, needy, desperate little boys. Last night did wonders to open my eyes to my actions and lack of belief in myself and where it ends up taking me.
If it works w/GF and I, great but if not, I at least have seen proof of how I need to believe in myself on a daily basis b/c that is how I'm able to truly live and be happy.
I'll be working on these things in my therapy that I start up in a week or so and I'm looking forward to doing it.
So, I had your little pearls of wisdom in my ears all night and I allowed myself to take what applied to me and trust that it would be ok to step out of my comfort zone, believe, and let go. It was refreshing and I need to remember this...and I'm determined that I will.
Yes, I'm feeling much more confident in my own skin. Last night, I was pretty tired due to the late night Friday and lack of sleep, etc., but once I showered late, I got a 2nd wind.
GF sent a text, just saying "hi." I replied back asking about her and asked if she wanted to do anything. She didn't reply, so I just went out to the local dive bar, had a few beers, threw a game of darts (I'm terrible still) and came back home.
I just wanted to get out and do something, so I did. It was cool and I didn't beg GF to come w/me or even tell her I was going. I figured she would have let me know if she wanted to come and didn't. It was ok, b/c going out was about me, not about her.
It is easier to understand, but I'm by no means a finished product. I have some material that I've read that I'm going to keep reading over and over again until it becomes 2nd nature for me. I understand what I've done and what I need to do to be more comfortable in my own skin, but I'm still in need of making these changes permanent.
So, that's what I'm reading on a regular basis. I teach Introduction to Psychology, so I know the brain can re-wire itself w/practice, so I'll be re-reading, absorbing and practicing until my new behaviors and confidence completely replace the old, bad habits.
Life is fun, and I'm looking forward to continuing to enjoy it.
