Needing Direction

[givingitmyall]

Don't know the answer to that one. You might want to pick up some books that address dating after D. I know you weren't D'd, but the same principles should apply.

A lot of the "after D" books address how to go about dating and how to handle around your kids.

[Gardener]

2B,

Pitty party for myself I guess.

Yeah, a little one, so what?

how long do you date b4 you bring a girl around the D? I was thinking a yr would be great, but that is a long time considering this situation.

I waited to introduce The Eventual Mrs. Gardener to my sons (11 and 13 at the time (yes, this is my 2nd M and STB 2nd D)) until it felt right. For me, it was time to do it when it felt like it was time to do it.

Maybe that will happen for you.
FWIW.

[2B_2_AS_1]

Tks GIMA & Gardener! D & I did go with X and one of her better friends & little boy same age as D to a couple of Halloween events today. X's friend was surprisingly nice. X and I got along pretty well. She left for a bit to get her hair cut, but came back afterwards. She even wanted to go and grab a bite to eat afterwards, so we did. D was getting tired so got her back and let her take a nap.

X asked what we were doing tonight that her friend was going to go TorT in their neighborhood and invited us to join them. I said we could after D took a nap.

During lunch we were able to talk some more. X opens a little more nowdays as she can answer in two or three word sentences instead of one word sentences (i.e. yes, no, why, what, etc.)

Funny at lunch I still notice that she is about herself though. We sat outside at lunch bc it was a beautiful day, but the sun was right on our table. I asked if she wanted to move to another that had opened up bc the sun was alot at that table. She did not care to move as she said she was fine there. 2 funny.

I hope the X can see it is nice having a two parent scenrio for all three of us. Maybe I am not so much of a bad guy like she has attempted to convince herself lately. I am all lovey dovey on my D all the time and when I am with X too. It is a bit awkward not giving the X some kind of affection. Does she want me to give her a hug too? Or any kind of affection? should I attempt or would she let me know if I could. What do I do???

[2B_2_AS_1]

D took a nap and so did I. X called about going with her to TorT. Got D up and ready. Took her to TorT with X and one of X's good friends and her son. We went to X's house and then followed her to her friend's house. I asked if she wanted to ride together, but she said she wanted to take her vehicle. Said we could ride with her if we wanted, but she was going to take her car. That was crazy bc all my D stuff was in my ride and to transfer over to her vehicle would be a lot.

We follow and finally arrive. As we go along TorT'n X and her friend are chatting away and I kind of hang with the little ones pulling them in a wagon. X is nice sporatically, but clearly the focus is more on them spending time together w/friend and some w/D. Def no focus on me. lol It ok bc being at this stage is a milestone.

After TorT'n we even go in X's friend's home for a few minutes and hang out some. Whew, kind of different. We finally leave for home and the X says bye.

Since I was following I was in the back and left first. When we were leaving the subdivision, I had to call X and ask which way back bc I was a bit unfamiliar with the area. She told me but ended up going the opposite direction. Guess she had other plans. At least that is how it appears.

I shouldn't worry what kind of plans she might have and should be making other plans myself. It is almost too hurtful being around someone you want to care and they do not. I can "suck it up" if I know this is the best course to make things better. I am questioning if it really is.

Which way to go from here...???

[Gardener]

After TorT'n we even go in X's friend's home for a few minutes and hang out some. Whew, kind of different.

Yeah, I'll bet.

I shouldn't worry what kind of plans she might have and should be making other plans myself. It is almost too hurtful being around someone you want to care and they do not. I can "suck it up" if I know this is the best course to make things better. I am questioning if it really is.

Don't worry and don't assume or mind read what those plans are (or if there really are plans).It sure does hurt and the answers to those ifs might be different on different days.

Which way to go from here...???

Where do you want to go and what do you want to do for you?

[2B_2_AS_1]

Gardener,

When X and I were on the phone, she was telling me that she was going a different way bc of where she lives vs where I live, but her house is almost in the direction of mine. Who knows.???

I really try to be a "whole person". Healthy and strong, mentally and physically. I want to be able to demonstrate to the X I have made changes in me for the better. Bc of this situation I really have learned a lot. Things I should have done better and things I did not even think about. I want to do better for sure.

I feel like I may know what is best in a relationship, but not sure if what I am doing is best to heal our relationship. It has been over two years we have been separated. Only until recently has the X made some changes in how she responds. I think a lot of it is bc I make special efforts not to contact and talk to her.

I do really want it to work and just don't know how to proceed with her. Do I GAL, date others, leave X alone, try to talk to her? She told me recently she "did not have a boyfriend". Allowed D and I to go shopping with her. She has made some efforts to get together at halloween. Her and her mom have invited me in their home on a couple of occasions. I was allowed to come around X's friend and little boy.

These all seem like positive signs. So how do I interpret them? How do I respond to her responses? Should I try to connect with X or let her do the connection efforts? The whole shivalry and cultural thing sometimes throws a kink in it for sure.

Any advice on suggested next steps???

[Gardener]

2B,

I feel like I may know what is best in a relationship, but not sure if what I am doing is best to heal our relationship.

I understand. But some great back-to-basic words from Smiley's missive the other night:

Because I'd forgotten, you see, the Real Point of Divorce Busting. It isn't to Rebuild Your Marriage.

It's to Stop The Divorce.

What do I mean by that? The reason we do this whole thing is, in a very real sense, to turn back the clock to the minute before Walkaway drops the Bomb. Yes, it's to improve the stuff that led up to that minute, but the outcome of successful DB'ing isn't a renewed marriage -- it's the opportunity to renew the marriage. A zillion things can go wrong in the Piecing stage. But that's then; this is now.

I'd forgotten that bit, you see.

I do really want it to work and just don't know how to proceed with her. Do I GAL, date others, leave X alone, try to talk to her? She told me recently she "did not have a boyfriend". Allowed D and I to go shopping with her. She has made some efforts to get together at halloween. Her and her mom have invited me in their home on a couple of occasions. I was allowed to come around X's friend and little boy.

My take?
GAL? Yes.
Date others? Your call. She says she's not. Do you believe her? Seems like it might negatively affect a lot of little "towards" behaviors you're both making. But, two years? Yeah, I'd start. Might be time to show that you're moving forward a bit more a a social animal.
Leave X alone? Don't get all pursuing because she's made some efforts, of course, but why leave her alone?

So how do I interpret them? How do I respond to her responses? Should I try to connect with X or let her do the connection efforts?

Whoa, slow down a bit. Let her mostly come to you.

The whole shivalry and cultural thing sometimes throws a kink in it for sure.

Sure does if you're a chivalrous man to begin with. But many actions that might be considered "chivalrous" are pursuing.
Counter-intuitive, remember?

Any advice on suggested next steps???

Well, you do seem a bit reactive, temperature-taking, and egg-shell walking. I'd pump up the independence and confidence when I'm with her and in general. It's attractive, remember?

[2B_2_AS_1]

Gdner,

I hope to get a chance to renew the relationship. I feel like I almost maxed out the GAL concept. I do have a tremendous amounts going on. I have been dating since we split, but have not really connected with anyone and really kind of hesitant to get to close bc I would like to work it out with x.

The X may not have a BF, but I beleive she has dated others during this time also. I will try to not pursue the X and hope she will reach out a little. Trying to have faith she will.

Sometimes I think there may be a window of opportunity to reach out and try to connect. Probably same stinkin thinkin stuff again. Scared if she currently has no BF, who's to say she might not get one soon.

Trying to be patient and continue to give X space.

[2B_2_AS_1]

Dropped D off at X's on Sunday evening. X came to door and sounded a bit sickly. We did not conversate much, just discussed a couple of things with D and I did not mention her sounding sick. Interaction was cordial and we parted amicably.

Called X Monday evening to see how D was doing and X still sounded bad. She told me she was sick and did not go to work. She told me she may have caught whatever my D may have had. I offered to keep D if she needed some extra rest. She said she was ok. I told her I didn't want to keep her on the phone, but told her I really enjoyed the time spent on Halloween.

We hung up and have not spoken today... Want to check on them, but trying to not call. Hope they are ok. I will check on them maybe tomorrow.

Hope I am doing right by not calling until then. Anyone care to input?

[givingitmyall]

You are. Resist the urge to pursue her. You want her pursuing you. She can't chase you if you're chasing her.