For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[TrentC]

I'm sorry, courts. I say if he wants to see DD in her costume, he should be there. He is being extremely selfish, and needs to start feeling the consequences of that.

Don't take pictures (except for yourself) and if he texts, ignore it till tomorrow. If he asks why you didn't answer, tell him you were having fun and didn't check your messages.

Worst-case scenario, this might make the case for sole custody a lot easier...

[courts0818]

Ahhhh...thanks, TrentC. I sooooooooooooo want to text him and tell him off. Not just for me, but for our sweet little DD who deserves a present, engaged father.

The issue is that he doesn't feel any kind of consequence (or if he does, he surely doesn't acknowledge it). I would feel so incredibly horrible if I were him - wouldn't be be able to live with my disgusting self.

[courts0818]

Well bring out the 2x4s. When I saw all of the families out together trick or treating (many of my friends in the neighborhood), I lost control and sent H this text:

"Don't know what u r doing & really don't care, but it's a damn shame that u r missing a really special night for our daughter."

I just can't handle his selfishness any longer. I know...I know...I should have been stronger. But, I'm fed up.

Let me have it, folks. : 0

[Gardener]

Courts,

I know...I know...I should have been stronger. But, I'm fed up. Let me have it, folks. : 0

Nah, not me. You get a pass on this one (pass revoked, though, if you text him again tonight or bring the subject up with him again).

[courts0818]

Yay, a pass, really? : ) I'll take it.
Nope, no more texts tonight. I said what I needed to say (although I sent him the cleaned up version). And I won't bring it up again.

It just breaks my heart for DD. She had fun regardless - I just have NO respect for my H and the choices he's making.

[courts0818]

I'm heading to bed in a minute, just venting yet again...So, we saw him for a grand total of 2.5 hours this weekend. Isn't that just so nice of him? How can someone be so selfish?

This has all been about him and his unhappiness. Well guess what?He's making me unhappy, he disgusts me and makes me want to vomit. Do I even want to be with him? I feel like we no longer have anything in common.

He drinks too much - I outgrew that behavior a long time ago (I grew up, he didn't). He now smokes - it grosses me out. He gambles way too much - I think it's a waste of time and money. I look forward to going to church and serving at church - he hasn't been to church in over a year. In my work, I like to help others and make a difference - he's focused on the money. When we were together and doing stuff, I was happy going out to dinner with friends and talking - that wasn't good enough for him, he wanted to do more - go to the bars after dinner or whatever else. I love taking our DD to kid places (zoo, park, movies) - he doesn't bc that's not fun enough for him. I love being a mom and spending together as a family - it's obvious H doesn't value family time.

We've turned into 2 totally different people. I guess marriage and life with me became too boring for him. I can still be a little wild and fun, but he's so crazy and delustional if he thinks marriage and adult life is all about carefee paryting and relaxation.

Ohhhhhh...enough for tonight....

[LuLu]

Sheesh, what a weekend! Did your little one have fun at least? That's all that matters. What did she dress up as?

I sound like a broken record but I could have written your post. Had a not so good weekend myself. It makes it very, very hard to keep on trying.

I hope you have a good week. Keep on working on detaching. Expect the worst from him so you won't ever be disappointed, haha.

[courts0818]

I have time to catch up and answer some of the questions that were asked in previous posts. So...

As for ML - um...I'm not into it these days. Instead of feeling like it brings us closer, I feel like I'm being used. He gets what he wants and then walks out the door. It's not a good feeling. Besides, he's eating enough cake these days (doing what he wants, living the life of a bachelor, etc) - I'm not adding that as something else he gets. He has been saying some rather inappropriate (kind of vulgar) sexual things lately and it makes me quite mad! The other day when he made such a comment I just said something like, "Don't speak to me that way." Why in the hell does he think he can make rude comments like that? He needs to censor himself and learn to speak with some respect.

Is he seeking revenge by making me hurt? Wow...I really don't know. But, I sure hope not! I have apologized and asked for forgiveness for the mistakes I've made (and I haven't done anything THAT bad - I nagged too much, didn't make date nights a priority and so forth). And he's not just hurting me he's hurting our daughter and our entire family. IMO there is no justification for him walking out on us. I realize he wasn't happy, but he never said a word to me - he just up and left and he refuses to do anything to make things work. When you marry and a make a lifetime commitment then try to intentionally hurt your spouse/children to seek revenge (bc you weren't happy or whatever) that is just plain evil. Our situtation goes so far beyond him just hurting me - he's destroying our family. Know what I mean? He's focused on one person and only one person - himself.

Yes, I do feel like I've learned better communication skills and I've learned how to fight fair. I watched the Fireproof movie and did the 40 Day Love Dare which taught me SOOOOOO much about love, communication and forgiveness. ...hum....I've become pretty bitter and angry again - guess that's another book I need to pull back out. It really teaches us to love others the way God loves us. It was a very helpful read for me and it did teach me a lot about marriage. Guess I'm just stuck...yet again...bc IDK if my H will ever snap out of this and maybe he's creating scars that just won't be able to be healed.

Maybe I do need to look at a new timeline since I've really only recently gotten better at GAL & 180s. But like I've said over and over - I'm so tired of waiting and being patient and being told that's what I need to do. 15 months since the issue of his unhappiness surfaced and 12 months since he's been out of the house - he's had more than enough time. I can't keep living this way for months and months. Maybe until the end of the year??? I just don't know. Why can't he take one teeny little step toward reconciliation? How long have you been waiting on your walk away?

I hate this roller coaster ride!

[courts0818]

Lulu,
On a much more positive note - my little one was a chicken for Halloween! he he...she was so cute and she stayed really warm (it was cold!). Lots of people said how cute she was. : )
One of my friends and her sister came over and brought their little boys to trick-or-treat in our neighborhood - that was really nice. There were tons of people and it really was fun. I had a great time and so did my DD.

What were your little girls?

Like you mentioned before - it sounds like we married the same man. Well...you can have both of them! I'm tired of their shiznit! lol ; ) Sorry...gotta make a joke every once in awhile or I will go bonkers. I just know we both deserve so much better!!!!

[TrentC]

As for ML - um...I'm not into it these days. Instead of feeling like it brings us closer, I feel like I'm being used. He gets what he wants and then walks out the door. It's not a good feeling. Besides, he's eating enough cake these days (doing what he wants, living the life of a bachelor, etc) - I'm not adding that as something else he gets. He has been saying some rather inappropriate (kind of vulgar) sexual things lately and it makes me quite mad! The other day when he made such a comment I just said something like, "Don't speak to me that way." Why in the hell does he think he can make rude comments like that? He needs to censor himself and learn to speak with some respect.

Good for you!

As for why he thinks he can make rude comments like that, it's one of two reasons:

1) He used to be able to do it and get away with it, but now you're standing up for yourself. (If so, congrats!)
2) He's used to cake-eating at the moment, which hopefully will come to an end soon now that you're starting to call him on it.

That would be a good boundary to set:

"I don't know why you've started talking trash to me, but I feel like I'm being disrespected. if it doesn't stop, then I don't want to be around you at all."