I've gone out, but am not sure about tonight...I don't know why not. I'm just sad today. My family is together, celebrating, and I am not there. I know, feeling sorry for yourself is not going to help anything, and I am just here to vent and put my feelings down, because many times that helps.
I've been concerned about money the last week or so. We do very well, but having two mortgages and the extra cost of extra living expenses is getting tight. Ironically, the sooner my wife files and we seperate money, the better off I will be...but I so want this marriage to work. Probably more now than I did when this started 2 months ago.
All I can think about, today, is the life we had and how little time I took to really just enjoy it. You look back at see all the good things that you just didn't take the time to enjoy, because I was too busy working toward the next goal.
I'm 33 years old. I am not young, but I am also not old. I can start over. I know I can. I see so many people going through this situation, but most are 10-20 years older tahn me. I know I can do this, I know I can move on. I just don't want to.
I keep being told I should have no hope by my W. She says it all the time. Yet, I find these little things to be hopeful about. Usually they are just a word choice, but often they are actions that don't match what she says.
Is it wrong to cling to these things?
I have been feeling guilty about GALing today. I don't want to move on and detatch. Yet the more I GAL, the more I think about it. I am also in the public eye, so I need to be more careful. So far, I have been okay, but I worry about people seeing me out "too much". I worry my W will think I am just out, on the prowl, looking for her replacement. I know that is part of the 180 approach, but it just bothers me. She left me because she felt I was just waiting for someone else to come along...now she see's me apparently going all out, doing just that.
I probably need to go out and talk with some one. I will; but I just am tired of all of this. I want my family back and I want to work on my marriage for the rest of my life.
