Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

A somewhat positive thing today. W is taking D10 trick or treating, while I take D7. W wanted to know how long we'd be out and I didn't think too long. It's going to be seriously cold.

She wanted to know because she's meeting her old HS best friend at 9 p.m.

This is actually a good thing and I'll not worry she's out shaking her *ss looking for guys. Her old HS friend is a very good friend of mine. I actually knew her before I knew W. She was maid of honor at our wedding. I told her this summer what was going on.

Over the years they would drift apart so I'd try to make sure they got together at least once a year.

She's more likely to tell W that she's making a mistake and to reconsider us than tell her how great unmarried life is. So far, W has been hanging out with divorcees who only find happiness at dive bars and this mystery OM, who I found out is a high school classmate of theirs and, people tell me, not really W's type.

Of course, she could be lying. Although I haven't caught her in one yet and she knows I have her friend's number so if I wanted to check I could.

W gave me a couple of smiles while she was over getting D10.

Of course, I may receive the papers this week and am just setting myself up for another emotional meltdown.

[C-Bart]

Yep. Sounds like your setting yourself up my friend.

Expect nothing. Just have a good time with the goblins.

[ClingingToHope]

I know, but for some reason tonight it feels good to hold on to that little bit of hope. I look at the threads where they somehow found their way back to each other and it invariably takes a year or more.

I have to remind myself I'm at 5 1/2 months. And she's only been a "single" person for 3 1/2. The first two I was staying with a friend and couldn't have the kids so she couldn't go out.

Doing something with her HS friend is a very good thing for me. I know it's stupid to hang on to the fog someday going away. Tonight I'm hanging on to stupidity. Perhaps it's the holiday. W was with my mom when she collapsed from an aneurysm on Oct. 29, 1996. We pulled the plug two days later on Halloween.

We spent the next six months running my mom's stained glass store until we could find a buyer. We both had fulltime jobs. It was extremely stressful yet we thrived together. She took care of the operations. I schmoozed and did the finances.

After we sold the store we decided to have kids because if we could overcome that, we could overcome anything.

Losing my mom is a sad memory, but the following six months is something I'll never trade.

If we can find our way back together, it's something I should write her a letter thanking her for every year. I don't know why I didn't do it before. Blind to my own wants and feelings for far too long I guess.

[C-Bart]

Its Halloween and a very emotional day so I'll be easy on you. I'm reading some things in you post that are a bit of a concern.

"Doing something with her HS friend is a very good thing for me." How does this effect you? Why does this effect you? I gather that you think this will make some difference in her. Lets just say it did. What would have changed in your relationship?

Don't get me wrong, hope is not a bad thing. What is bad is if your wife continues to be the center of your world. That goes for now and even in the future when you are back together. You might as well take the time now to get your house in order.

[awest1217]

I agree. Now is the time to work on you. I will tell you from experience, I have known each of my husbands OW. I especially know the most recent one and H talks to me about her all the time. Knowing and snooping and worrying and thinking about them all the time ate up most of my summer which is my time to relax. Don't let this happen to you. She is making a terrible mistake and you should feel hurt, upset, angry, etc., but don't get caught into the trouble of making her all you think about because all that does is bring up the negative feelings more and maybe even guilt because you aren't doing what she is. I don't think you should start dating, since you are still married, but go out. Have fun. Reconnect with friends. Move up at work. Work on you and your feelings, not to be a better husband or to help your marriage, but because you want to be happier and a better person and if nothing else it will help you be a better dad.

[ClingingToHope]

"Doing something with her HS friend is a very good thing for me." How does this effect you? Why does this effect you? I gather that you think this will make some difference in her. Lets just say it did. What would have changed in your relationship?

CBart and Awest, I know what you are saying. I know the DB rules are to just focus on myself and my girls and not worry about what W is doing.

But we are also supposed to look for baby steps. I think W spending more time with the maid of honor -- not the OM I found about on Friday -- from our wedding is a baby step because A) she's not some divorcee telling W how great the grass is on the other side and B) the maid of honor is a friend of mine who might be able to cut through the fog and tell W she may want to reconsider.

I know CBart, if W came over this morning and said she's sorry, this is stupid, come home, I'd ask her what's changed and tell her the only way is if we really work at it -- counseling, marriage rebuilders class.

I don't want what we had, I want something better, but I do want at least the opportunity to work at it. What's been so frustrating is that she's so dead set on D without even considering working on the M.

Does that make sense.

A weird thing happened this morning and I wonder if this was a baby step in reverse. I had a dream about my family last night, I forget the particulars, but when I woke up I was confused. I thought I had three kids and couldn't remember who their mother was. It took me about a minute to remember.

That was very strange.

[ClingingToHope]

Just journaling. Nothing at all today from W. I took the girls to church. It was a bit of a struggle. D7 just wanted to play the Wii.

Ever since, we've just been at the apartment killing time. D10 did homework. D7 played on the Wii. They were playing Life together. I'm heading back up in a few minutes.

Later tonight I probably should try to get some work done, but I just have zero motivation. That's been a major problem throughout.

Funny, today feels so normal, having the girls all day. It's actually nicer to have them in the apartment because there's so little to do other than just hang around.

At the house there is always projects that have to be done. Weekends are/were almost never easy.

Ooops, W just called. I decided not to answer. I'll send her a text in a few minutes asking what's up.

[Super Girl]

Just curious... how are your daughters handling this? I'm desperately worried about my kids, although their situation is difference because their dad doesn't visit or call.

[awest1217]

It is good to get a sense of normalcy or new normalcy. Why didn't you play Life with the girls? Have a good night and a good week next week.

[ClingingToHope]

Sadgirl, I just can't understand a dad who doesn't visit or call.

D10 is taking it the hardest. She's keeping up in school, but she's always just a moment away from crying. We've always been very close and when I moved out/kicked out in May the first thing she did was ask W if she could move in with me. I told her we'd decided she and her sister would live together.

D7 is hard to read. She's ADHD so she bounces from moment to moment where she's happy as can be and then furious.

She's doing better in school this year because she was accepted into a special program, and I bought a book this summer which outlined several things we'd been doing wrong with her. I read it first then gave it to W.

Still, whenever W and I are together, she'll come running up and ask "do you and mommy love each other."

W says things like, they'll be fine, kids adapt. She refuses to discuss our situation at all with the girls. She says "it's between me and daddy."

Her parents stayed together even though they had a terrible marriage so W grew up wondering why people who are miserable stay together. So I'm battling that as well.

My parents had a terrible marriage, separated twice before divorcing and my dad drifted out of our lives when I was in college. I went from being an upper income kid to middle income to having nothing in college. I grew up wondering why parents can't keep it together for their kids sake.

I'm in a better spot than most non-custodial parents. Because of my W's job -- she works 60 to 65 hours a week and has very rigid hours -- I'm the one who leaves work every day to see them get off the bus. So I see them 12 out of 14 days. They stay with me five nights every two weeks.

My W has even asked me to take them on extra nights so she could catch up at work. My L asked me to document these in case I want to make an effort for joint physical custody.

Back to your kids, Sad Girl, what is the situation with the dad. Mine kept me in his life for several years, but he never developed a close relationship with my sister and after the D she would turn down his requests to see her and then he eventually gave up.

It damaged her big time, although through a series of events she ended up OK.

Last thing on my girls. Getting used to being separated is hard. The gradual limitating of their expectations is already under way. They will be talking about things happening back at the house and they'll say stuff like 'mommy said we have to wait until that game has been out for a while because we can't buy it new.'

Tonight, W called twice to see if I was bringing them home tonight. I said no, I planned on keeping them Friday through the weekend until they went to school on Monday from now on. She said we'd never discussed it and I asked her if I get to see them on Sunday on the weekends she has them. She said 'I guess not' and we moved on from there.

Anyway, back to the limitations. The past four years W has taken D10 to Chicago during the Christmas season to go to the American Girl Doll store. D7 has gotten to go the past two years.

They talk about this constantly. It's part of an annual bus trip they take with W's mom. Now, W says she can't even afford to pay for herself for the trip and she wants me to take them that day, Sunday, Dec. 5 -- it's her weekend -- so she can go.

Of course I will, but I wonder how she'll break it to the girls? This is a long post and I'm not sure anyone will read this far. If you do, if you were me, would you take them? I can eat soda crackers for a couple of weeks to save up enough so they can both buy an American Girl Doll. They run $100 each at least so it's not going to be easy. But a memory like that is worth it.

W actually makes more than me and I'm giving her more than she's probably legally entitled to and yet she's still telling me she's broke. In March, after the tax return is gone, we have to start scheduling and paying for summer camps. This is a $2,500 to $3,000 expense every summer.

Looking ahead, I can see her saying she can't afford the camps and the girls will just have to learn to live with summer daycare.