Thanks so much for all the feedback. It was late when I wrote my post last night and re-reading it I just want to clarify some stuff. I'm not definding anyone or anything..just clarifying..
1. H does have a job and has always had a job with the exception of 3 weeke in the entire time we've been together. So, he does contribute money to the household. In fact, he pays the mortgage. However, if left to his own devices, he would spend (had has spent) OUR money as fast as we make it. I was once in my life in 32k worth of credit card debt that I dug out of so I can buy to sooth pain too but I no longer have that mentality..and haven't for a long time. H used to turn all of his paycheck over to me but now has a private account that I have no access to so that's changed. He came up short on mortgage this month and our/my account had to come up w/ the shortage.
2. I do make more money than he does but could never afford our home if he left. It would be foreclosed upon and I would go into single parenthood with bad credit. Single parenting (TRUE single parenting) scares the crap out of me and this is why I say that I couldn't make it financially without him. We can't sell house, we've tried. I did just modify our mortgage and it's helped some.
You are alllll very right. I know that I am in a relationship that is NOT working for me. It's demoralizing and undermining my self worth at every turn. I'm working so hard on self esteem issues and such but then I get sucked in and told that my husband wants to divorce me and because I don't have self esteem that's strong enough to handle that yet, I end up feeling sooo horrible about myself.
I have been in abusive relationships before one was psysical, the rest were emotional.
I'll tell you what the real issue is here.....I love him. When he is on proper meds and getting good clinical help, he is really wonderful. He is connected, fun, loving....but..when he's not, it's just, well, silly. He has this whole back story of being abandoned by dad, mom is psycho, lived int he projects, fought his way out without drug addiction, only kid in family to not be on welfare and grad. high school, etc. There is so much that I admire about him. I do my best to try to seperate his behavior that are driven my his mental state and the person he is. I also know that I can't save him and if he doesn't want proper help, there is really nothing I can do.
I do have issues with divorce. Not for me...but for my child. I am convinced her life will be "less than" because of it. I've read to much, seen too much. I watched and saw what it did to her when we left for the month in May/June. I am torn between what I know I deserve and putting her through that pain again. I think about tonight and how next Halloween one of us will be without us but more importantly SHE will be without one of us...and none of that is her fault. She didn't chose any of this. We broght her into this world and I feel like it's my job to do the best I can to give her a stable home. But I also know I'm not modeling a loving relationship for her either.
I know it makes no sense to you guys why I would want to save this marriage. And the truth is that there is so much of me that wants it to just end....but I'm certain that is NOT what my daughter would want.
I know I deserve better. Believe it or not, I haven't been able to always say that with certainty. I've recently (over the past 3 years) lost over 100lbs and have 56 more to go to goal. My weight has contributed heavily (no pun intended) to how I allow myself to be treated.
I love what Gucci wrote about what I need to say to H. As I was reading it I felt this surge of something inside of me like a Norma Rae moment...and then I imagined my daughter coming home to a house that doesn't include a dad and it tears me up. God, I wish I was strong enough to do what I need to do. Maybe the key is to keep doing what I'm doing...keep going to CoDA, keep going to therapy and dig into the deep stuff that keeps me a slave to my own distructive thinking.
The way I see it, my husband is not to blame for the way I feel. I am. If I had balls, I would've never married him in the first place. If I was emotionally healthy enough, I wouldn't be trying to save a marriage to a boy who believe I'm optional in his life. I don't deserve to be optional in anyones life. I'm such a good woman with so much to offer someone. I deserve to be thought of and cherished and cared for as a partner that is respected. NONE of that is happening right now. I justify it all because for the most part, we don't argue and he's not overtly hostile, rude or mean. But it's always there...the knowledge that he feels I'm not "it" and never going to be "it". It can numb me at times.
You guys are so spot on in your analysis and I really appreciate what all of you had to say....even though some of it hurt to read. What hurt the worse is to read the recap and know if my daughter was living like this..or a friend..I would bodily carry them out. I need to love myself enough to give myself the gift of freedom.
Gina B
M 43 H 34 D 4 H asked for D on 6/21/09:1st D mediation 7/27;D says he wants to try 8/18; *I will stumble, I will fall down but I will not be moved.(N.Grant)
