Hope and heartache

[awest1217]

Sorry to hear about everything, but you need to lower the payment to W before papers are filed because you do not want to pay the higher payment for forever. Also if you talk to her about everything being fair, she might get mad, but she is already upset and you need to do what is best for you.

Have a great weekend! I will pray that the girls get better so you can have a fun weekend.

[ClingingToHope]

Still haven't figured out how to bring up lowering my by-weekly payments. Perhaps by email but she hasn't responded to my past two. I don't think she checks it very often.

My thought is to wait until she actually files and then just lower it at that point.

[ClingingToHope]

Finishing up at work. Have kids so I don't have time to post much. Just wanted to get the fact I found proof of OM finally. Not sure if it's a long-term thing or not. I snooped, which I didn't want to do, but I figured out how to get on her FB page while I was over with kids after school.

Nothing posted about me. Looked in messages. She got a message last night at 10:56 p.m. from an OM asking if she wanted to get together with one of his friends and his friend's GF.

So there it is. Now six weeks ago I would have been devastated. I'm not happy, but I'm functional. I guess it just gives me more determination to get the process going and get myself the best deal possible.

Saturday night, after trick or treating, I'll send her the message that I'm lowering my bi-weekly payment. I don't care if it angers or "pushes" her to file.

From the "it's not over until you die" file. So what if there's an OM. Until she deals with her self-esteem and unhappiness issues, another guy is going to run into the same problems we did.

Back to finishing up work so I can focus on the girls.

[ClingingToHope]

Well, my bravery crumbles as time goes on. The thought of W going out on a double date is me bothering more and more.

I would have loved to go out more often. These past three years she showed no interest in doing anything together. Of course, she said it's been over about that long -- despite the several times the wall appeared to go down.

My head tells me this is good. If she is going to ever think about us again she has to get out there and eventually realize I was THE person for her.

That doesn't help me right now. The girls and I are watching TV. They think I'm working. In about an hour I'm taking a sleeping pill so I don't stay up all night.

I wish now I hadn't agreed to let W take the girls trick or treating at her work. I just don't want to see her. Hopefully, after tomorrow I won't have to see her again until Thanksgiving.

[awest1217]

Sorry to hear. Believe me I know how devastating this is. I will tell you right now from experience stop thinking about it as soon as possible because it will ruin your life. Just take that she has moved on and you move on as well. Don't ask the girls but if they say anything about this OM set boundaries with wife on him seeing her. Now if they are together there is not much you can do, but he should never see them alone. Set the boundaries and stick to them. Tell her you are lowering the payment. Finally when you think about it work on the thought stopping. I know it is new so you will need some time to process, but don't let this stop you.

Keep your head high and you are right this other guy will not last for forever and he since they are dating when things go down because of her issues he has no reason to stay so she may be alone soon anyway.

[awest1217]

Clinging

Like I said before I understand the heart ache, but I just finished the book I posted about called "Love, Honor, and Forgive" by Bill and Pam Farrel. It goes well with DR, but it is really all about forgiveness. I really like how it explains forgiveness and how it explains that some things will take longer than others, but you have to keep working at it, not for the other person, but for yourself. It has some great success stories, and just some great advice. I know you are headed down a rocky road right now, but I really recommend the book. It has given me a peace that I cannot describe, from God. I don't know why God puts us through these things, but one preacher who is a good friend, and was at my church right when H moved out preached a message on how if we are going through the worst trial in our life it stinks, but remember God allows it and always gives us a way of escape, but be thankful because he found us worthy enough to put us through the fire because He knows we will come out better on the other side.

Whether things go to D or you reconcile, which I know right now looks like an act of God, believe me I am there, especially since H does not at all want to let go of OW, but He has His hand on us and if we can forgive, we will have to tools and strength through Him to make it.

[ClingingToHope]

Had a great night with the girls. We flattened out a futon and all slept on it together. That was a bit of a chore because they both compete for my attention.

It was uncomfortable but I got enough sleep.

I woke up today and again the first thought, the first thought was about W and what she did or is doing this weekend. Aaarrrrrgh. I know time heals all wounds and I wish I could just wish this next year away.

I hadn't thought of this until now. My mom died on Halloween. My W was with her when she collapsed from an aneuryism. She laid in the hospital for two days until we decided to pull the plug.

My mom and W had become close. I was working nights then and we'd bought the house next door to my mom's so W was spending four nights a week with her.

The next six months were among the most stressful but most rewarding of our marriage. We had to run my mom's stained glass store together while still working our full time jobs until we could sell the store and settle the estate.

We did remarkably well and we worked so well together that it was after that was over we decided we were ready to have kids.

My mom loved my W. She gave me my grandmother's wedding ring so we could get married. I didn't have enough to buy her a decent ring.

Now, at my meeting with the L, I told him I wanted the ring back. He said typically rings are considered gifts and stay with the spouse. I told him this ring was a family heirloom and I wanted it back. So that will be a fight -- or maybe not. She may just give it to me.

One thing I will miss when W and I D is that it's the end of the love story. My girls ask me questions and I tell them how we met and other little stories about our relationship. There's been so much stress, but we've overcome so much.

I know there are others out there for me and, as long as I take what I've learned from this relationship to hear, better days ahead. But it'll be a different kind of love story.

Not necessarily worse -- I have 60 years left to live -- just different.

Awest, I will look for "Love, Honor and Forgive." I need something to get me out of this funk.

[billclay18]

The only way I can negotiate a lower CS payment is if we have 50/50 physical custody. I can't see W and W's L going for that.

Doesn't matter if they agree to it. If the children are with you half the time or more...you deserve no less than 50/50. If they won't agree to it, then your L can suggest mediation. Document the time with your D's, present your case to the mediator and see what they recommend. If you have to leave it up to the judge to decide...what do you have to lose? Nothing...worst case you'll get the standard 80/20 split. You are in the driver's seat here. Your job allows you to spend more time with your D's, your W's job does not. This weighs heavily in your favor.

L suggested I begin keeping a calendar of my day-to-day, week-to-week responsibilities.

Great advice from your L. Make your case for the mediator.

I've been telling you this from the start. I'm in IL as well and have been thru this. I could write a book on how a father should not only fight for his children, but also for his right to an equitable quality of life. I got the settlement I did because I refused to fall into the trap of thinking the W gets the kids, the house, the huge CS payment and the H get the shaft. H's get the shaft because they don't have the balls to fight for their children or themselves.

Grab your balls, regain your self respect and fight for what your entitled to.

If you want to discuss this in detail, let me know and I'll post my email address.

[LookingFrAnswers]

CTH,
I am so sorry to hear about your discovery. Just wanted to send you my support. Keep reading the other posts on here about from those in a similar sitch. From these I've gained support & guidance even when they are not replies to me. IMHO, Coach, Puppy, Karen43 and Sandi2 have some of the best advice for us LBS, along w many others. Read & reread DR on how to LRT & get through this tough time.

I am in month 7 of this ordeal & though it feels like a lifetime already I draw strength & a lot of good counsel from those who have been here longer, and really seem to be able to deal.

I wish the best for you & your daughters, and hope they get better soon.
LFA

[Deep]

CTH, stay strong. It's all too human to feel yourself crumble, but you know you'll make it through andf come out better. It sucks to even think that your W is out on a double date, but then again, detach, it's her life, her call.

Don't backslide and think she'll learn her lesson cavorting around with scum and see your true value to her. That's really not the point. You have value period, and you are and can be a great H, period. She may think about that at some point, she may not. She may come to appreciate you again, she may not. She almost certainly is not going to do so on the double date.

You've got a life, and still would prefer her in it. But it's still going to go on, and fabulously in the end, with or without her.