Detachment

[25yearsmlc]

I was going to post here around page 14 and was sidetracked by W – let me pick up where I left off . Great posts 25, and I would remind BM to check up on this when she can too. (caught up with her today and lent what support I could).

Lucky11: I'm not sure it is necessarily healthy or useful to link “showing or maintaining your love for the WAS while following through with detaching”. As 25 pointed out, detaching is for you and you don't do it to prove anything to your spouse (well mostly anyway).

I'm also not sure I agree wholly with Kevin's post. Sure, you should validate your spouse when appropriate but it's not helpful to further empower any delusions, history re-writing, or obvious parts of the WAS script. It's a thin line at times, as with many things.

Things I did? Sure, I could throw in some examples, not that I'm a good example or anywhere as versed as most of the experienced posters here. And, as I posted, there are often a ton of unique features in each sitch, including details in your shared history and personal traits. It does seem to me that the things that can be generally applied to most sitchs are the most obvious ones, and also the most difficult to "let go of".

I stopped demanding to know everyday if W had contact with OM (he's her client). I stopped checking her phone, emails, whatever. I stopped trying to read into her actions, and to find signs that she was "connecting" with me again as she had with OM. I decided to respect her achievements in her career and not insist on her quitting - combined with accepting that she would have contact with OM only when necessary and only for business. (I got slaughtered for this on here, and am not saying this is right for everyone. But I grew to accept that I had to start trusting her, and that if she continued to make wrong choices, it was not within my control).

I focused more on my business, forcing myself to recognize things I did not want to admit - such as paying myself much less than what I made working for others for too long and being in a comfort zone. My family had suffered for this financially even though I was still making good money.

I became much more involved in the running of the house and with the kids. This was where W had every right to be as critical as she was, and while I did not enjoy facing up to my mistakes, I decided to do something about things. I did home improvement stuff, researched financial planning, started really getting into what my kids were doing at school, volunteering for about a ton of activities, taking time to do stuff with them and talking to them about life later. I helped my son catch insects and label them with our own made up names. I patted him to sleep after praying. I talked to my daughter about a million things … boys (including part 1 of THE talk), dinosaurs, and why Mom loved us all, but would not come to Mass with us.

A million simple, basic stuff that I had simply and basically stuffed in the closet before.

And I did them because they were the right things that a good H and father would try to do, and because I love them very much, not because I expected them to notice and to be grateful for it. Sure, in the beginning, I did it hoping that W would notice, but that went away pretty fast once I realized I actually enjoyed what I was doing.

Kevin, looking at your later posts here, I would add this. A thought came to me during an earlier phase of my journey. Love can be unconditional, but bear in mind we’re humans, not God, and while Love can be unconditional, relationships can never be so – it’s just a fact of life. I’m not speaking for God, but I would imagine He still loves every one of the sinners in Hell, but they’re there because they chose to cross certain boundaries he set to have a loving relationship with him. I would still love my W for the goodness she has in the person she is, but I might not be in a relationship with her if she still chooses to disrespect basic boundaries of being in a M. Hope that helps.

Deep, you are doing some seriously good work here. I'm impressed and hopeful for you. I'll post more later but wanted to tell you that you have shown remarkable self awareness and growth and it will matter...it will make a difference EVEN if not to your spouse. Too early for you to accept the value that has, so I ask that you simply trust that it is important. I have to read your thread more later. Take care and keep posting. You are in the right place.
(( J- ))

PS Thanks for checking on BM...