Detachment

[25yearsmlc]

25,
I agree with your posts if I understand your definition of love as a verb. Also get the part about people hiding behind "love" so they don't have to act responsibly. Sense we are on a thread titled detachment I want to make sure that we separate the two things less they get confused. Love and attachment are not synonymous. You can still love someone and be detached from them. Detachment is really the result of setting a boundary on how you will be controlled by your S.

Complete agreement. Good to point out on this thread though. Thanks. And I believe love is a choice, so it's a noun AND a verb b/c when you are choosing to love, it takes action on your part. I don't want to get into semantics here b/c essentially I know your point about loving while detaching is what is important and I totally agree. Detachment is not indifference. Letting go isn't running away, etc.

So many times I see people try and substitute love with anger or even hate as a means of coping (read about cognitive distortion). Problem with that is you still have made the other person the center of your emotional universe. Until you are at the center of your universe you have outsourced everything.

Again, I'm in total agreement. The LBSer must MUST stop making the WAS the center of their universe, and some folks call that love or standing, and it's not. It's making someone the center of your universe (AND it's choosing the worst possible person at the worst possible time for that). Plus the WAS usually never wanted to be the center of the LBSer's universe of Needs...

I can see why some use their anger as a "coping" mechanism, at least temporarily. I think it's easier for some people to be angry rather than feel so sad. For me, it wasn't a good idea b/c being sad is easier for me and the anger was going to consume me. But I know folks who find it easier to be furious with the WAS or the OP, rather than face the terrible rejection they feel...it does suck to be in that phase. In some ways I hesitate to post here b/c I hate reminding myself of the dark place I was in just 2 1/2 years ago...but I know that it's important for people to talk to those on the other side and it reminds me of how far my h and I have come and that does have value. Since Retrovaille my h sees the value of having other couples who've been through the fire, & talking about it. Still, it can remind one of being in an airplane crash that you miraculously survived.

Antlers, C-bart, you guys are learning & growing so much. I cannot help but believe that it is for a reason, a good one. As I said to someone the other day, as hard as it may be to have faith in a guy walking on water and all that, it's actually harder for me to believe our complex world and the love in our lives are all the result of some molecules randomly banging into each other. By analogy, I cannot believe that God has brought you through so much and taught you so much, only to leave you alone in the lurch. You are being prepared for something good...with whom, I do not know. But you are not meant to be alone in the long run, with time ---so I look forward to hearing from you about your lives and how "just around the corner from here," is something/someone wonderful in your life. I really do. I know it's a gut instinct thing to say but hey, I "felt like sharing"...

Take care and hang in there...this terrible part will pass and things will get better. And don't get sidetracked. It's so easy to engage in circuitous arguments and debate irrelevant issues to death to avoid the internal work we all must do. What matters most is that you keep GAL, making forward progress every day if possible, and loving those children.

((( j- )))