I am in a position where I am waiting on her to make all of the moves which means that she still controls this whole thing.
I think that is pretty common for LBH's, but it is important that you feel like you've taken back the control. As long as she has control of the "reigns" then your life will be a merry-go-round.
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because me leaving the house is not an option right now (especially financially
Okay, I can understand that. As long as it is a legit reason and not just an excuse b/c you're afraid it will have a adverse effect.
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do you have some suggestions for 180s that might make a powerful statement to her given my recent history of apathy and depression?
Yes, I can give you some suggestions. They may be hard ti di b/c I know how depression affects one's energy level, so it will be a lot of self determination on your part.
Since depression is often misread as "laxiness", the biggest 180 you can do is simply show yourself to be active whenever you are around her. Be your best when in her presence. You know, so many of us put our most into our jobs.....and let down when we're home, but in your case.....you need to do anything you can to keep from laying around to rest, sitting around to think, or even doing things like reading or watching TV (well, you can read if it is at night), but my point is that your W is probably use to seeing you in more inactive things such as being on the computer (which is fine if you are on DB board...lol) or watching ball games, etc. If she is working her tail off doing chores then you need to be up doing more strenous activity. I would suggest that you save hobbies and fun things to do after the chores are done.....you know how we women are about that! It is important that you discipline yourself to GAL. Yes, I said discipline...b/c if you still struggle with signs of depression, then more than likely, you don't want to get a life b/c you won't feel like it, but it is so important to do it. GAL is not to be suited to when it is convinient for your W.....it is when "you" choose to do it, okay? The point is to do it in a way that you enjoy it most of all, and making a 180 would be to do it where she would notice it. For an example, staying out late on some evening and not asking or checking with your W to see if it is okay.
Do not give her any details about where you go or what you do on any given day. Never tell a lie, but don't tell anymore than you must, b/c it will help you to be somewhat mysterious and cause her interest to perk up. For instance, if you go to a movie with your pal down the street......and she starts asking where you were.....make her "dig" it out of you.
W: Where were you? You: Went out for a while. W: I know, but where did you go? You: Went to a show. W: What kind of show? You: Movie. W: What was playing? (This is a trick question, BTW.) You: (Tell name of movie) W: (Will ask questions about the movie.) W: Did you go with anyone? (This is what she really wants to know.) You: Yes W: (Getting irritated by now....) Well, who was it? You: Just a friend (and leaves the room to make a private czll on cell phone.)
See what I mean? It may sound like you are playing games, but people do it before they get M and in order to keep your S interested, you better learn to become more interesting to her now or she'll never pay any attention to you. Being mysterious causes great interest!
Never let her use "tears" to break you down. Neither allow her to use her sex to get her way. If she wants to pursue a hug or a kiss.....you can lean in for her to do it to you, but you break it off first. I bet that would be a 180, wouldn't it? It will get her attention fast! You are acting as if you really aren't that concerned or "interested" and that one thing will make you much more attractive than you have been recently. Don't cave!
Showing a sunny personality (or at least your best side) when you are within see & hearing distance of her is very important. But, another 180 could be whenever you are around any of her friends or relatives (when she's not along) and acting very happy. Don't you know they would be sure to mention how "happy" you were to her? This would get her to thinking about you. Her mind would be on you....and off the OM.
Your biggest test will be fear. You will be afraid to trust these techniques b/c they are a 180 for you, and doesn't feel normal. But you must trust it. What were doing wasn't working. That is why you are here.
The most attractive man to any woman is one who is very confident in himself. It brings out the female in her. So, even if you have to fake it till you make it.....so be it.
When she's talking to you (as long as she's being nice) look directly into her eyes and very glance away while she's talking. This shows her you are "truly listening" to her. She will think that is another 180 for you!
Whenver she tries to get in an argument with you, hold your hand up in a "stop" positiion and turn and leave. If you can't leave and at least go to another room or outside, then tell her you are not going to discuss it. Then don't look at her and don't talk with her no matter how mad she gets. Women can control their behavior.
She needs to respect you by learning not to talk down to you. If she tries that.....tell her at once that you will not tollerate her disrespect. Stand up when you are saying this. Put your hands on your hips if you have to, but be firm. If she asks what you will do about it if she doesn't....tell her you will pack her junk and send her back to her parents. Tell her that you are sure they would be interested in knowing what kind of wife she has made! Then don't discuss it any farther....and leave the house and be gone for as long as you can (depending on the hour). This is not to act like you are showing her you are mad, but for her to think about what you've said to her and to end the discussion. It won't end unless you leave.
I can think of other things, but maybe that will get you thinking of some things. Just think of something that would be opposite of what you would normally do. Don't stop and wonder if you aren't being "considerate" b/c she was not thinking of your feelings when she had the A. Yes, you want to do what you like, but you also want to make her wonder what you've been up to. Almost like naughty liitle boys try to cover up and act "good" when they are in front of their parents......and yet you just know they have been up to something!
Stop all contacts. This will be the hardest "habit" to break...but the biggest 180 (I'll bet). If she wants to call you....then fine, but you don't find stuff to talk about--and cut it off first. I'm serious....it needs to be strickly a medical emergency or a death in the family before you call, text, VM or email her!
Can't wait to hear how you are doing with some ideas of your own. Even though it is not a fun time in your life....try to make time for fun and make things become fun to you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have noticed that W seems annoyed, and testy more and more. I know that since the confrontation, Plan B (me - assuming she is still conflicted) may not seem like such a sure thing anymore. I have continued to remain upbeat and cordial with her as well. Is it common for a WAW in an A to get this way after the H confronts and continues loving detachment? I have also noticed another pattern, I am pretty sure she will see OM tomorrow night and she is always more stressed around me right before and right after being with him. Having a hard time understanding if her attitude is due to indifference towards me or if it means that she is conflicted.
I am pretty sure she will see OM tomorrow night and she is always more stressed around me right before and right after being with him. Having a hard time understanding if her attitude is due to indifference towards me or if it means that she is conflicted.
It could be conflict.
It could be guilt because she knows she's not getting to sneak around behind your back any more, so that part of the fantasy is gone.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Strange creatures these WAS. So W is going into city for one of her personal interest courses tonight. She has been doing this frequently since the bomb and usually gets home at 2-3 AM. I have evidence that she was at OM's house a few weeks ago after her last course. So I had done some deep breathing this week and just accepted that tonight would be an OM night for her and I just needed to go out and GAL.
Fast forward to mid-day today and I get an email asking if I would like to come into city and meet her after her class for drinks (the first time she has ever asked me to meet her after a course). Needless to say I was shocked and called her and we made plans to do it even though she would get out relatively late. Right before she was leaving,she came to me and said that she was thinking that it maybe would be better to go into city tomorrow night together for dinner and drinks and for me not to come in tonight. At this point, starting to feel like a flag flapping around in the hurricane-force winds of the WAS. I told her OK but I was somewhat caught off guard by this and she noticed. She texted me after she left saying that she didn't want it to be too hectic for me trying to get in for a late night drink but that we could still do it if "it meant a lot to me". Texted back that I was just confused that she changed her mind and that I would go out and do something around here instead. She texted back and then called to say that maybe it would be fun if I came in tonight. I kept saying no, I can hang out here and she said maybe we could get dinner and drinks tonight. I finally told her that maybe I would just come in tonight since that was the original plan anyway.
My analysis:
- Maybe this is nothing and she was just confused as to which night it would be most fun and relaxing to go for dinner and drinks. Maybe she felt rushed trying to get out of work and to her class.
- Maybe OM was originally not available but suddenly found time in his schedule.
- Maybe W was trying to resist the temptation to see OM and to try to see if we could have fun together instead and she waivered.
As much as you would like to see the good in what she was doing.....I think it was all based around OM being available or not--and using that other night to throw you "off".....and it did. You didn't even have to go meet her and it threw you off. I can certainly understand why it did, but this is the deal here......you must stop trying to figure her out. You confronted her about the OM and now she will either get more sneaky or she will openly have an A while staying with you. I got the impression from your past post that she didn't have much to say about it when you brought the subject up. She may have wanted to tell you over drinks--that she had found an apartment. But who knows.
GAL is def. what you are to do, but I don't think you get the entire concept yet. When she asked you to meet her in the city for drinks...you jumped on it! Why didn't you tell her that she should have asked about it earlier b/c now you've made plans for the evening. You see, you "always" have some kind of plan in your back pocket to use at times like this. You have to stop being available to her. Stop playing second fiddle to OM.
Okay, you said you have proof of her A. Don't tell her how you got it. The fact that she knows that you know.......or does she know that? You said you confronted her.....does that mean you told her that you knew about OM and that you had proof.....or did you ask her about OM?
Men have to learn how to set boundaries when their W is in an A or she will not respect her H. If the two of you stay under the same roof-- then she should not be in an A b/c that is the most disrespectful act a W can do to her H.
Have you thought of how you will word this to her? (I'm talking about the boundaries.) Don't wait to see what happens and then try to think of the right words. Don't wait to see how she sets the tone for the evening and just hope for the best. Be prepared. Have a plan.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
- Maybe this is nothing and she was just confused as to which night it would be most fun and relaxing to go for dinner and drinks. Maybe she felt rushed trying to get out of work and to her class.
- Maybe OM was originally not available but suddenly found time in his schedule.
- Maybe W was trying to resist the temptation to see OM and to try to see if we could have fun together instead and she waivered.
My vote, FWIW.
You're in a real entrenched react mode, here. Think about what she said (or you think is probably going to say) before responding. Or have a couple of stock-lines at the ready to buy you some thinking, deciding time:"Listen you caught me right in the middle of something; I'll call you back in 5 minutes." or simply, "Well, that's a bit of a twist. Let me think about that and I'll get back to you when I decide."
$.02
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
GAL is def. what you are to do, but I don't think you get the entire concept yet. When she asked you to meet her in the city for drinks...you jumped on it! Why didn't you tell her that she should have asked about it earlier b/c now you've made plans for the evening. You see, you "always" have some kind of plan in your back pocket to use at times like this. You have to stop being available to her. Stop playing second fiddle to OM.
Touche! I was feeling like I made progress because after she waivered, I tried to be strong that I would just do other things. She then came on strong about going ahead and getting together so I felt that I had a minor victory in that I had not just easily accepted when she said we could do it "if it meant a lot to me". I realize after your post that I should have never accepted in the first place and it would have sent a much stronger message. (hitting myself with a 2 x 4 right now repeatedly - I should have know this but still not a strong DBer yet).
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Okay, you said you have proof of her A. Don't tell her how you got it. The fact that she knows that you know.......or does she know that? You said you confronted her.....does that mean you told her that you knew about OM and that you had proof.....or did you ask her about OM?
I told her that I knew, that I knew beyond a doubt and that I would not be having that conversation with her if I didn't know beyond a shadow of a doubt. Told her that he had to be out of the picture if our R was to ever stand a chance to improve. She wavered between acknowledgment and denial but in the end, I think she chose denial. I told her that I might confront OM as well. Really don't understand how she could deny when I am confronting her with what she already knows is true. Guess she doesn't think I really have evidence but I do as much as that hurt me to see.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Men have to learn how to set boundaries when their W is in an A or she will not respect her H. If the two of you stay under the same roof-- then she should not be in an A b/c that is the most disrespectful act a W can do to her H.
I set that boundary last week, just not sure what consequence I can impose if she continues A other than to ask her to leave. Then she may just say that she left because I told her to.
I did meet her for dinner tonight and just stayed ultra positive and discussed only things about her. No R talk from me at all and had no expectations. Just tried to be confident and fun. Saw OM at work today which almost never happens, made eye contact w/ him actually. Probably should have confronted right there but it was in a very public area so decided against it. Really got my heart pounding for sure!
I know, I blew that one today. I really had tried to GAL but unfortunately, came up with no true plans for tonight. Looked for a concert to go to but nothing in the area. Really did not expect her to ask me to meet her, I had prepared myself for her to have an evening with OM and was shocked that she asked. I will chalk that one up as a learning experience and hopefully do better next time.
I did put on a positive face at dinner which was no small feat considering I am 3 months sleep deprived at this point! I really don't see how people can keep this up for so long without keeling over from stress!
I set that boundary last week, just not sure what consequence I can impose if she continues A other than to ask her to leave.
But a boundary by definition includes the action you will take if your boundary is violated.e.g., "I will not share my wife with another man. If you do not cut off all contact - with transparency - you will have to leave." IOW, the "consequences (you) can impose if she continues," should have been covered in last week's discussion. I'd revisit and tell her the consequences of non-compliance of your boundary.
Originally Posted By: HurtButHopeful
Then she may just say that she left because I told her to.
Yes, she may.
Originally Posted By: HurtButHopeful
Saw OM at work today which almost never happens, made eye contact w/ him actually. Probably should have confronted right there but it was in a very public area so decided against it. Really got my heart pounding for sure!
A wise, brave decision. I admire the courage and restraint that took, heart pounding or not!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
