Gucci and Robx...U 2 got a min. to weigh in???

[ginab1966]

Rob:

Thanks for coming onto the thread, I really appreciate it. I could go on and on about the back ground but here is the cliffs notes version and it’s still long!! The post that you have is from a month ago.

Marriage not great from day 1. He was super hero, prince on a horse when the entire time we we dated. Engaged, buy house and day before we close I find he's cheated on me. My co-dependent butt still goes ahead with marriage w/ no counseling. We get pregnant on honeymoon, (we planned it that way) he is fairly non present in our lives emotionally for the pregnancy and the first year. He wakes up big time as a Dad when DD's a year old. Remains highly connected to her and withdraws further from me. H/I develop a parent/child dynamic. I continue pursuing my degree in hopes that it might give us a financial security. He keeps wrecking cars, getting speeding tickets buying ATV's without telling me and spending money as fast as I make it. He is on the Internet at night 5-6 hours at a time playing World of Warcraft/watching porn/chatting or out in shed building something. He is also lying a great deal and I catch him in lies all the time. But I don’t call him on it. I am alone alot. I do the martar/passive aggressive thing but then every few months or so I go insane, crying, saying I can’t live like this. It’s like being a single mom but I’m doing everything for him. It’s like having two children, etc. This circle jerk continues for 4 years. We go to counseling for 3 weeks and he says he no longer wants to go cuz it’s not working or making him any happier. We almost gets fired from his job (has been fired before) for lack of focus and I broach the subject about looking seriously at his ADHD diagnosis. He does and starts med. I have a new husband for about 3 months. He’s attentive, loving, committed, we have fun, great sex life again. Meds get switched and EVERYTHING changes. We are back to the computer and isolating and a very short fuse. Things come to a head in Feb, when I don’t get even a Happy Valentines Day on Valentines Day. He comes home with no apology or anything. The next day he says “Oh yeah, about yesterday, I just forgot”. I loose it. And tell him that I would stay in the house with him as friends for DD’s sake but I could not love him as much as I do and be an optional person in his life as it was just too painful. I admitted to him that my low self esteem was really being triggered by his lack of attention, etc and that was NOT his issue, it was mine and I immediately sought help for this. During this time I connected with an ex bf on Facebook. We began an emotional affair. H pursues like crazy but I don’t believe him because promises have been made time and time again and never kept. He finds out about EA and spiral’s down into deep depression (he is also bi-polar). He ends up doing some pretty scary stuff like smashing my computer into pieces and breaking a door and smashing the phone. Hacking into my FB account and putting spyware on new computer. He also finds out lied to him about smoking weed a few years ago, once. He tells me that he can never trust me again and that I’m a drug addict. He then spirals down to a point where he ends up in a lock down psych ward. He comes out a week later and asks if I have been in contact with ex. I lie and tell him no. He finds phone, sees texts and goes really out of control. At this time I feel it’s best for my DD and I to live with my mom and I want a divorce. I leave in May and we are in contact the entire time and in marriage counseling. I am unmoveable in my stance to divorce. I break off EA and get some more individual therapy that leads me to the conclusion that I am as much to blame for this as he is and I really love him I just don’t trust him..with anything. Also, I come to my senses about breaking up DD’s family and come back on June 21st. My husband, during this time has now detached from me and has had a PA and doesn’t want reconciliation, makes appointment at mediator, I beg, plead, guilt, beg some more that we try to keep saving our marriage but he says no way. We go to mediation and I am crying the entire time. We get home and that night he changes tune saying he will try. We continue to go to counseling and he is continuing to see other girl but lying about it. I find out, call him on it and he says we will try and cuts off w/ OW. He still says he’s not seeing her to this day but I have no confirmation of that. We even end up going to Retrouvaille. Come back from Retrouvaille on 9/13 in worse shape than going in and he is adamant that marriage is over and wants out but has no money to leave our house. Since then, we are living like friends with benefits. He comes and goes as he pleases, joins DD and I on family things when and if he wants, is affectionate when he wants to be (we have sex often and only when he wants to) and cold when he wants to be. Is overspending his own money and dipping into “ours” even though he was adiment about getting his own checking account so I didn’t “dole” money out to him. I still handle everything in the house. He has very little responsibility but blames me for being controlling but when I tell him to take something over he says “No, it’s ok. I don’t really want the responsibility.” To me that reaks of “I’ll just mess it up anyway” but I KNOW he is capable to doing it. He is brilliant in SOOOO many ways and I tell him this often.

Fast forward to this past Wednesday, out of the blue, during a mundane convo, H says that he wants to make sure I know he’s “there in the house because he can’t afford to move and still wants a D”. My response was “and why do you want the D?” He said “Cuz Im not happy”. My response was “Have you considered the fact that the marriage isn’t what’s making you unhappy but, perhaps, internal issues are making you unhappy”. He said “Yes, I have considered that”. I asked what the next steps where and he said that he didn’t have any plan to leave or anything and he felt that it was best for all of us if he stayed to help financially until all debts were paid off and THEN he could leave when he was financially ready. I said nothing more, went upstairs to bed, he came upstairs, climbed into bed and pleasantly chatted with me until he went to sleep.

How do I deal with this? I cannot move out of the bedroom. My 4 year old was so freaked out that we were sleeping in different bedrooms that it was painful for both of us to watch her so unhappy. When he said he’s try again, in August, he made this grand jesture of putting the bedroom back together with both our things and had candles going. God, I was SOOO happy to see that. We live in the same house, eat meals together, do things together…but, ultimately, he’s just waiting to divorce me. I mean, how to I mentally deal with that. All this time I have working hard on me, my issues, my part in the breakdown of everything, therapy, GAL’ing and detaching. Where do I go from here? Do I go back to last resort stuff? Do I just do the basics of DB’ing? WHAT??? Has anyone been in this situation? I mean, if you want to leave me…LEAVE. Don’t stay for the next two years while I work my *ss off to get our debts paid off, THEN leave me. UGH…advice please…just a little lost and frankly very sad today. Trying to stay positive but it’s getting hard. He changes his emotions constantly. I fooled myself into thinking that this past month was just him trying to regroup. I was absolutely in denial. Soooooo stupid.

I ‘m sure I’m missing some stuff but that’s most of it. I have never accepted him as he is and we talked about this during Retro. He doesn’t accept me either. But I’m doing my absolute best to do that now. However, the truth of the matter is that he has a medical/mental issue that isn’t being addressed properly and this is compounding the problem. My H sees my asking him to take a more focused approach to the issue (as it may help how unhappy he is) as controlling. I see it as another layer of helping our individual issues that will ultimately help us be better partners. I mean, if he has depression issues and says he's unhappy, isn't it fair of me to want to explore that and not allow him to blame me and our marriage for all the unhappiness? I am very ok with admitting my issues and culpability in this situation. I have behaved horribly and see where my EA, controlling/parenting him and passive agressive communication style has created a dynamic that is murder on our marriage...and have told him so. I have also I need help and I’m getting a lot of it. I know that I can’t control him or “make” him do anything. I can only change me….as hard as that is for me to see..it’s the truth.

I need to create a plan. For some reason I don't know how to handle this with him IN the home but I don't want him to leave either. Although some people say that him leaving might be and answer to us getting back together..but we don't have the money for an apartment.

HELP!!