Trying LRT - Please Help!

[motherof3]

I don't know even where to start except from the beginning.

Several months ago my husband said the dreaded ILYBNILWY words. This bombshell took me by complete surprise. We tried MC but only made it through 2 sessions before he announced that he was "done" with our marriage and stopped wearing his wedding ring. At first I did everything that DBing says not to do. I begged, pleaded, pushed for answers and eventually all of this pushed him right out the door. Then I found DB and started reading.

Flashforward to the present time, he moved out of the house 1 month ago. We are currently splitting time with the kids 50/50. Until recently, communication has only been via email and text. Now we have been speaking very briefly over the phone. However, no communications outside the topic of our kids have taken place.

Right now I am just trying to wait this out. The only problem is my lack of patience. I find it very difficult to sit back and just let things happen. I understand that fixing my marriage isn't going to happen overnight, if even at all. It is just so hard not to have any control over the situation.

I want to ask him out to eat. I want to ask him to a movie. What I wouldn't give to just have a five minute conservation with him that doesn't involve our kids. Unfortunately, at this point in time I know that these actions/requests will end up getting me nowhere.

On the plus side I things, I did ask for his help in taking the kids trick or treating around the neighborhood tomorrow night. He has agreed to help. I am just so scared that I will say or do something to screw things up.

Any advice you have on what to do/say or what not to do/say would be greatly appreciated.

[TrentC]

I don't know even where to start except from the beginning.

Several months ago my husband said the dreaded ILYBNILWY words. This bombshell took me by complete surprise. We tried MC but only made it through 2 sessions before he announced that he was "done" with our marriage and stopped wearing his wedding ring. At first I did everything that DBing says not to do. I begged, pleaded, pushed for answers and eventually all of this pushed him right out the door. Then I found DB and started reading.

Flashforward to the present time, he moved out of the house 1 month ago. We are currently splitting time with the kids 50/50. Until recently, communication has only been via email and text. Now we have been speaking very briefly over the phone. However, no communications outside the topic of our kids have taken place.

Right now I am just trying to wait this out. The only problem is my lack of patience. I find it very difficult to sit back and just let things happen. I understand that fixing my marriage isn't going to happen overnight, if even at all. It is just so hard not to have any control over the situation.

I want to ask him out to eat. I want to ask him to a movie. What I wouldn't give to just have a five minute conservation with him that doesn't involve our kids. Unfortunately, at this point in time I know that these actions/requests will end up getting me nowhere.

On the plus side I things, I did ask for his help in taking the kids trick or treating around the neighborhood tomorrow night. He has agreed to help. I am just so scared that I will say or do something to screw things up.

Any advice you have on what to do/say or what not to do/say would be greatly appreciated.

So have you done anything that the book recommended? What 180s have you tried? Have you been trying to get a life and get out?

I ask because, if I read you correctly, you said you've read the book but you look like you haven't had the chance to put much of it into practice. You may not be contacting him, but unless he sees some change from the person who was begging and pleading a month ago, his stance probably will not change.

[Greek]

What reasons has he given you for leaving? Has he filed? Has it been a quiet M up til now?

Be calm. You have little eyes watching you. This won't be settled quickly so resign yourself to the time it's going to take to sort it all out. Breathe

Greek

[motherof3]

H's reason for leaving is that he is not happy and has not been happy for awhile. He feels that we do not communicate affectively, we have nothing in common other than the kids, and that our personalities are complete opposites. He says there is not an OW. Nor has he ever given me a reason to believe otherwise.

To my knowledge he has not spoken to attny. He has told me he will wait until at least the beginning of the year before starting the D process.

Our marriage has had it's ups and downs, but pretty normal in my opinion. I do agree with him in that we both need to brush up on our commuincation skills. Before he moved out, it got to the point where were just going through the motions. I think that we both put our marriage on the back burner to raise our three young kids. Unfortunately, at this point I am the only one who wants to fix this and invest more into the marriage.

I am currently trying the 180. I actually haven't had a lot of time to dwell on things as my support network has kept me quite busy. At the same time, I am doing a lot of things I used do before the kids. It has been a long time since I have found some quality "me" time.

Since I have not been in contact with him, I am not sure how much of this 180 he is really aware of. That is why I am so nervous for tomorrow. I want to get this right.

[TrentC]

I am currently trying the 180. I actually haven't had a lot of time to dwell on things as my support network has kept me quite busy. At the same time, I am doing a lot of things I used do before the kids. It has been a long time since I have found some quality "me" time.

Since I have not been in contact with him, I am not sure how much of this 180 he is really aware of. That is why I am so nervous for tomorrow. I want to get this right.

Then here is your first lesson on the power of the 180: it only works if you don't care what your husband thinks. 180s should be done for you. If he thinks you're doing it for him, then it will come across and manipulative or fake. Because it is.

As for getting tomorrow right, the important thing is to be upbeat and positive. Act As If. If he comes in and sees you positive and upbeat, it will make him wonder what's going on with you. And anything that makes him question his assumptions or plans increases the chance that he will come back to you.

If he tries to initiate relationship talk, either tell him it can wait until later -- that oughtta throw him! -- or stick to validating his feelings without taking ownership of them.

Him: "We don't communicate effectively."
You: "You are right, we have had that problem recently."
Him: "I haven't been happy for a long time."
You: "I understand, and I'm sorry that you feel that way."

[Greek]

H's reason for leaving is that he is not happy and has not been happy for awhile. He feels that we do not communicate affectively, we have nothing in common other than the kids, and that our personalities are complete opposites. He says there is not an OW. Nor has he ever given me a reason to believe otherwise.

Keep your antennae up. It very well may be just as he says - and yours wouldn't be the first M to come unglued b/c of communication. But keep your eyes open. You need to know what you're up against.

To my knowledge he has not spoken to attny. He has told me he will wait until at least the beginning of the year before starting the D process.

Why wait? Get that answered.

I am currently trying the 180. I actually haven't had a lot of time to dwell on things as my support network has kept me quite busy. At the same time, I am doing a lot of things I used do before the kids. It has been a long time since I have found some quality "me" time.

Important

Since I have not been in contact with him, I am not sure how much of this 180 he is really aware of. That is why I am so nervous for tomorrow. I want to get this right.

Get it right for YOU. This isn't a show for him. You are put together, you are dignified, you are smiling b/c that's how YOU roll - not so he'll notice. And whether you 'get it right' tomorrow night or not won't solve it. You are on a path of self knowledge like you've never dreamed possible. There is so much learning in your future - tomorrow is just a drop in he bucket.

Greek

[givingitmyall]

MO3,

Here is a list from another poster (JenJam) I copied early on in my situation:

1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.

2. Don't despair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.

3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathysing with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".

4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.

5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own time frame.

6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.

7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.

8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)

9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.

10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say.
You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.

[Gardener]

MO3, Hi,

Great quote Gima passed on there. I'd never seen that one before.

There's also this to keep in mind re DBing - from SmileysPerson's excellent post of this evening:

Because I'd forgotten, you see, the Real Point of Divorce Busting. It isn't to Rebuild Your Marriage.

It's to Stop The Divorce.

What do I mean by that? The reason we do this whole thing is, in a very real sense, to turn back the clock to the minute before Walkaway drops the Bomb. Yes, it's to improve the stuff that led up to that minute, but the outcome of successful DB'ing isn't a renewed marriage -- it's the opportunity to renew the marriage.

[motherof3]

So I guess what you are all saying to some degree is that time is on my side. And during this time I need to reflect on who I am and the kind of person I want to be. I need to start living life for me and the rest will follow.

Seems so easy on paper.

[TrentC]

So I guess what you are all saying to some degree is that time is on my side. And during this time I need to reflect on who I am and the kind of person I want to be. I need to start living life for me and the rest will follow.

Seems so easy on paper.

It does indeed.

What you'll find here is day-by-day accounts of how hard it actually is. Welcome to the club.