Question

[awest1217]

No doing anything this weekend. I am really disappointed. H is sick, but he is going to go to the doctor tomorrow. He was going to go and was even planning a hotel stay in Chicago, but that of course fell through. I just have this nagging feeling OW is staying with him this weekend and will be there tomorrow night as well. H said something about wanting to be home in time to watch the ND game. Like he had plans. I know this is counterproductive so I can't dwell on it. Pretty much I have to go "dark". I will answer his texts if there is a question and if he calls I will answer and be polite and upbeat, but I am not going to give him any information.

S is not responding well to the medicine. Now he has a runny nose and is coughing. Plus the steroids for the croop are making him very aggressive. I want to tell H, but I am not going to because he won't do anything which will make me mad, and I don't feel he deserves to know what is going on in our lives. He has chosen his life and I have to let that be.

I am reading a book "Love, Honor, and Forgive" by Bill and Pam Farrel. It is really good and discusses how forgiveness is extremely important even if get D because those hurts will continue into all other relationships, even with S. Also what I thought was interesting is forgiveness is letting go of the revenge, manipulating, and holding over, but it does not mean you cover up that it hurt you or say it is ok when the action is wrong. It is funny because there is a whole section on how bitterness can destroy your life, and everything that is in there is exactly almost to the word what H says. About being unhappy, unloveable, everything is because he has bitterness in his heart. I think it is mostly towards his family, but I am sure there are layers with me. I really want to make sure that I forgive H so I can be free and move on to having a wonderful life. I am half way done (started today) and am hoping to finish tonight so I can drop it off with H because it is a book that he actually wanted to buy and told me he was looking for. I found it used on amazon and got it along with DR so I will give him both and see what comes of it.

[awest1217]

The book "Love, Honor, and Forgive" has helped me so much. I am going to seriously work on forgiving H, OW and others in my life who have wronged me because I want the freedom to have a great life and not be bound to those people for hurting me. Even if they never apologize I know bitterness will kill, but forgiveness will bring life. I feel revitalized and filled with so much hope. As I said before, I read this book because H told me about it and could not find it. Tomorrow I am going to leave it and DR on the door step on the place he is living. I am going to leave a note that expresses my appreciation for telling me about the book, and my renewed commitment to our marriage.

I am going to leave the rest to God. I am still going to do what I said above because with forgiveness comes self-respect, boundaries and convictions. I am setting the boundary that no more closeness until OW is out of the picture. He will have to prove that to me, but that is up to him. I will still respect him and be kind and loving, which will be hard, but the anger should be gone with the forgiveness and I will be able to focus on doing what is right.

[ClingingToHope]

I've stopped reading the improvement books because I felt like if my W wasn't going to give me a second chance then what's the point. I may look for that one though. I have bitterness in my heart and it's handicapping me.

[awest1217]

Well, I am going to go dark. It is going to be hard and I need to write everywhere do not respond or just keep things short, but kind because H only talks to me if I bug him. I just need to let him go completely. I am still feeling good though.

I think I was thinking that forgiveness meant I couldn't be upset anymore and I couldn't say what he is doing is wrong. I am so free in knowing I can forgive and that means not being vengeful or using his wrongs against him. It also means if you really forgive you get a conviction about what was done and set boundaries so you are not used and abused. I feel so free! Looking forward to great things tomorrow at church.

[Virtually_Handsome]

I've stopped reading the improvement books because I felt like if my W wasn't going to give me a second chance then what's the point. I may look for that one though. I have bitterness in my heart and it's handicapping me.

I agree that you shouldn't obsess over self-improvement books, but it's never too late to improve yourself. If you were onlkt using the books to try to save your marriage, I think you were setting yourself up to fail.

[ClingingToHope]

Awest, did you not do the trip to Indy?

[awest1217]

No we didn't go anywhere because on Wednesday H said he really wanted to go, but couldn't on Friday because of having a therapy session, but may not be able to Saturday due to being sick. H called on Friday and said Chicago and aquarium would be better and would leave Friday night, spend the night, and spend Saturday together. Then calls and says has a fever so can't go. I didn't go because I didn't want to try to rangle S by myself on the weekend in a crowded museum. So instead we went to the church's harvest party and trick-or-treating at the grandparents. I had a ton of fun with S. H didn't get to see S in his costume or even asked to see him. Oh well. It was better anyway because the steroids S was on for the croop made him agressive and hyper. This way we had fun, but I didn't get frustrated. Overall a great weekend of fun and relaxation!

Now to stick to what I had put before. NO INITIATING CONTACT! BE POSITiVE AND KIND, BUT NO DETAILS! Just keep to myself, continue to work on forgiving so that I can live a free life, and have tons of fun watching S grow. Today he helped me rake all of our leaves (3 huge trees). He was a great helper and growing up so fast!

[ClingingToHope]

That's too bad. I'm at the point where I can make plans independently of W. Two weeks to a trip to the Dells.

[awest1217]

I am going to start doing that now too. I planned without H, but then he came back so I planned with H, and then he left again so I didn't get a chance to plan without him and he did express interest in doing something together, but as always he never follows through. From here on out, I am planning without him and if he asks to come I will have to consider that then, but otherwise I am a completely single parent with no H at all.

[Lucky11too]

Awest. Great to hear about that book you read. Forgiveness is so important. You really are showing a great amount of strength in all this! =)

So sorry to hear S is still not doing well. =( I hope the doctors can figure out something soon. But it's good that it didn't get in the way too much and you were still able to have a fun halloween!

I think I'm going into the "Dark" stage now too. Kind of forced on by H, but I think it's best if I follow thru on it as well. If he doesn't want to make us the priority of his life, then he doesn't deserve to know what's going on in it. Like you, I won't be mean or ignore him, but will just respond simply to any texts. It know it's going to be hard though to let go. I have trouble always second guessing my actions. But if you read the success stories, this is what works. They have to know what they are missing. I can't keep letting him have his cake and eat it too. Hate the thought of being a single parent, but I've done it this long, so I know I can do it if needed. We're strong! I just feel sorry for our S's for having such flaky fathers.