Still in the tunnel with hubby

[kjensen]

Ok I think I need other's perspective here to make sure I'm not being unreasonable.

H told me at lunch today that he was going to have lunch(2nd time) with his female highschool friend that he recently reconnected with on Facebook.

I have to say I'm still insecure about H having friendships with other women, even if they are not his "type", at this point. My insecurity has been a bit worse recently since H threatened that "this is it, I'm done" and frequently when frustrated will say "I can't do this anymore". My insecurity is rarely visible. I don't cling or do anything that I think is different from my usual behavior..it feels mostly internal to me.

So I responded to H telling me about this lunch with a thank you for telling me-I appreciate that. H didn't get it and asked why I would thank him and I explained that I felt a bit insecure and appreciated him telling me about the lunch..H said I didn't need to be insecure and certainly not of this HS friend.

I felt like H was angry with me for being insecure so I asked him and he said I had no reason to be insecure and it was unreasonable. H said that he "can't do this anymore"...that "there is always conflict and its killing me"..if things don't change he'll have to distance himself from this. H says it hurts him that I'm insecure and he is expressing his hurt as anger.

So. I am insecure. I am worse when H says the statements he does about leaving. Its been 5 months since his A ended and he is still obsessing about her(internet searches and such). I don't cling or really say much about the insecurity and have been dealing with it on my own. H isn't very reassuring, in general.

If H decides to leave I'll deal with it. That he and I have conflict(and really in the scheme of things these conflicts happen infrequently-not daily and are usually about communication) and then H gets upset/angry and we need to let him settle down, but then the conflict is avoided...is a bad cycle. I have tried to continue the conversations to work through our areas of conflict and H avoids them...so they keep resurfacing.

I'm just wondering if H's response to my insecurity is guilt or does he just not get it, just can't empathize with me. The "real" H would have been understanding and empathetic so I wonder if this MLC H is what I'm seeing.

Later H looked at me for a minute and then said I had kind eyes and agreed to go for a quick walk with me... When we said goodbye to go back to work he had a look that was kind of sad and resigned-like we're doomed or something.

I'm having a hard time with these big ups and downs. I can't quite pinpoint the mindset I need to have in order to stay calm on this wacky ride. I tend to hold it all in which doesn't feel too healthy.

[Grace_O]

I had no reason to be insecure and it was unreasonable.

How we act is one thing, but no one gets to tell anyone else what to feel.

Since it's an area of contention, perhaps you could find some activities that build your confidence and work the insecurities out that way.

I don't know. It doesn't sound like bringing it up to him is going to be helpful in any way.

When he makes the provocative statments about "being done" do you resond or react to them? It's hard no to, but what do you do?

As far as MLC goes, I see alot of folks hoping (as I did) that their spouse is MLC vs WAS b/c they see the former as having more of a chance. I don't know that I agree. And I think we all have to decide where we are in this, if we are willing to go to the mat and to know we have the power to change our decision at any time. We can always pick up our ball and go home.


Having said that, I know how hard you're trying to look under every rock and it feels like he isn't. You will find a way to let go of what he is or isn't doing. This is all about you. Working to have a new M with this man is all about you and your life. Yes he's included (potentially), if you choose.


HUGS

[peacetoday]

K
sounds like you did as well as can be expected
Ofcourse your H will not understand your insecurities when he speaks of his old HS lady friend, but we do
so you are not crazy
but these mlcers seem to want to blame us for anything under the sun
I think you did well by thanking H for his honesty
he twists it all up so it is hard to know how well you did
the best chance any of us has with this kind of a situation is to Take Care Of Ourselves by
exxercising, eating, sleeping, friends and support meditation relilion spirituality ect..
so make sure you can stop long enough from the ride to daily rechrage
peace

[kjensen]

I have to say when I hear those statements-"I'm done" or "I can't do this anymore" my heart drops to the pit of my stomach and I wait for the "I want a divorce" to be next. Thats how I feel. How I act is that I usually turn away(so I don't accidentally show how I feel) and take a deep breathe and don't react or say anything...I let H keep talking.

I thought that was doing OK considering how I really feel about those 'trigger' statements.

Tonight H and I were alone..We had a little bit of not-so-tasty wine, ML and now H is sleeping. I survived today. H has made some plans to workout with a friend and have lunch with a buddy tomorrow while I'll work out on my own and then shuttle kids around a bit. I plan to do a bit of shopping for myself since the dress code at work has gotten more professional as of Monday

Its sad, but perhaps practical at this point, that sometimes I just want to make it through the day without a major blowout. Some days things roll off H's back and he doesn't react negatively and the next day the same thing is a major problem. Its hard living with that unpredictability.

Thanks for listening/reading. Thanks for the support Grace and Peace.

[kjensen]

So it was a rather bumpy weekend with H. Today he got mad at me a few times due to poor/miscommunication. Tonight I said it was a hard day and he agreed. We talked a bit and he said he felt like we were playing house(looked at a bookshelf), watching TV and doing the same old thing he hates. I said I wanted to go for a walk today and he sad he doesn't want to send the rest of his life going on walks. I said we could've gone bike riding and he said "well you didn't ask to do that.."

He said, "we just don't work together anymore". If he had the finances to, he'd leave. As it is he doesn't and feels "trapped". He's miserable and says we're all miserable(I would agree sometimes-none of us like this townhome as much as our old house).

He says he moved back b/c his therapist told him to. He didn't have anywhere else to go.

So. I have a husband who doesn't want to be married to me, but can't get his act together(financially) to get a divorce and so is with me and feels stuck and miserable.

H thinks the therapists(his and ours) are all trying to keep us together when they shouldn't asume we should be together.

He's tired of trying to communicate better(and yet he is the one who doesn't want to do any of our communicaton-improving homework).

So walking around on eggshells doesn't work. Being assertive and speaking up doesn't work too well either and seems to lead to more conflict.

H has his lunch with is HS female friend tommorrow. I have to say that after tonight's conversation I am more insecure about this friendship-only in that I think H will confide in her and I don't know that she wouldn't support him getting divorced since she is.

I did tell H how his words "I'm done" affect me and he says they shouldn't...and then basically later said he would leave if he could...so what should I make of that?

H said he could sleep on the basement couch and I said I wish he wouldn't. I said he's still my husband and I will still work at this marriage and I'm not giving up. H said he thought I was more optimistic than he. I replied that that was understandable since he had the additional burden of being depressed. H feels he's been depressed the last 10 years(not sure why 10 since we've been married 16) b/c he's been married to me and unhappy.

Lovely. I am really sad and worried that at some point soon I'm going to call it quits and I'm also scared that I won't call it quits when maybe I should...Its these times when I really wonder if H is right and we just don't work...or is it his depression/MLC/whatever talking and I should ignore it and keep chugging along.

I do feel like we're back at the beginning of this. The same arguments and complaints are being stated by him.

[sandycay]

Damn girl.... we are married to same type MLC guy. We are in the same boat here.... dancing around his moods and such. Mine doesn't love me either.... but he'll stick around and do the right thing so nobobdy thinks he's an a-hole.... such a good reason to stay married.....when obviously the right thing would be love the mother and wife you made a committment to... it's not like i have warts for goodness sake....I am nice always and do for him always... but I willl say my H is almost always nice to me as long as I don't react to his moods.

[kjensen]

So H and I didn't sleep well last night. H is dressed up very nice for his lunch with is highschool friend. H said he was thinkng of stopping his prozac b/c he wondered if it made him more volatile...If he does he'll probably get in a worse funk this winter due to SADD. I asked if we could finish or conversation tonight and he said yes, he's sorry he fell asleep last night.

I'm not sure if I still have any steam for a conversation tonight but I think I still have some things to say. But, at this point maybe its better just to avoid R conversation.

I can't tell where we are after last night. Maybe I just have questions for H. Does he plan to live here as husband and wife until he can afford a divorce? Does he plan to live here and start living a single life? I really have no clue what he sees in the future.

[fisherman]

I can't tell where we are after last night. Maybe I just have questions for H. Does he plan to live here as husband and wife until he can afford a divorce? Does he plan to live here and start living a single life? I really have no clue what he sees in the future.

He doesn't either.

Living with a spouse who is depressed and confused will suck the life right out of you if you let it.

Focus on today...just today. Focus on you. Try not to look too far ahead.

[kjensen]

Trapt, thanks for the perspective. I have been letting the life get sucked out of me.

Throughout this process I know I am improving my reactivity. I can remain calm(most of the time) through most any garbage thrown at me. I'm still not so good at detaching and that seems to be my achilles heel. Caught up in the moment I tend to forget to remain detached. and I think I take too much of what H says seriously! :-)

[fisherman]

Living in limbo is tough. The only way to do it is one day at a time.

Focus on you and your positive changes or any other bright spots that are out there. They exist....it's just so easy to lose sight of them at times.