Detachment

[antlers]

Detachment is for your protection and growth.

The faster she thinks you are moving on, given the givens (meaning given that she wants you to move on & she thinks you are holding on too much) the faster she may reconsider her choices. I assume she told you this? If so, why are you not at least faking in front of her? You are forcing her to defend those choices and validating them b/c the more you show up with an empty bucket of need for her to fill, which she does not want to fill (I'm guessing she wants a man who will fill some of HER needs, like a partner) the more you'll push her away and confirm her discomfort around you. Please read the posts and digest them. You want her to feel comfortable around you, not guilt ridden. The more that happens, by backing off ALL R talk and being upbeat, the more likely you will be able to build some sort of friendship down the road. That's a start.

These are pearls of wisdom, especially the first sentence. Keep em' coming please!

[Lost Rabbit]

This is a fantastic thread folks, keep the gems coming, I had my first detachment moment yesterday, I realised the amount of contact I was having with H was good for him, but was taking my ME time and GAL time away and that I was in fact becoming needy again, so I am taking back control and having my own time, as it will make me more attractive and interesting during the time I spend with him. Detaching is for my benefit! He is having a bad time at the moment but that doesnt mean that it has to have an effect on me, he's welcome to my validation about how bad it is but I dont have to let his weather rain on my parade!

[antlers]

Be the best dad you can be, b/c no woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children with their father.

I'm gonna be the best dad that I can be, because that's what I should do anyway. Hard to imagine that their mother would be moved by anything...even that.

[25yearsmlc]

Over time, it is not healthy to love someone who doesn't love you back or respect you. That is NOT unconditional love; it's being a doormat AND OR being a victim and staying stuck in crazy patterns refusing to change b/c the unknown is somehow more frightening.

I just can't resist on this one. I'm sure someone will probably be irked about this. But, didn't someone who died on the cross for us love us unconditionally even though many have not loved him and respected him?

Kevin

You don't resist much at all Kevin. If you "feel like it" you say it or do it and then wonder at the outcomes you create...
Here's the 2 x 4 that you richly need, given the thread you have, and the attention you get there, and the time I took to write you the tome I just posted to you....
You don't get it Kevin. You really don't know what I'm talking about but you come here and blurt away and your lack of self awareness is stunning.
While your approach has not worked at all, you continue to preach it...and you don't actually know what I mean...if you did, you would not have written about Christ in this thread where it does NOT belong.

You confuse "Standing" With standing STILL and put your head in the sand to hide from your real issues & you use religion as a deflecting shield when the reality of your sitch and your "stuckness" get to be too much for you.

I think It's posturing on your part to avoid the hard work you have to do before you'll see any change in your own life or sitch. You won't go to c, for real, and you don't follow through on any of the 127 promises you made and here you are posting about unconditional love. No, I don't buy it. That's not what you feel for your w. As for loving your wife, sure, go ahead. You should. I NEVER SAID TO STOP LOVING SOMEONE... After all, she is the mother of your children and will always deserve warm feelings of loyalty and respect and I'd call that a form of love. But YOU are acting as if you are in a marriage that just "hit a rough patch" and that she's a tad irritable lately. You ignore what she says and wants. You place your needs ahead of what she has told you repeatedly & you are nearly forcing her to get a restrainging order so you'll leave her alone. Please don't post here about unconditional love. You are in denial.

When I say it's unhealthy to go on loving someone who obviously isn't loving to you or acting lovable and this continues over time...yes I think it's unhealthy to allow yourself to feel the same type of love you felt when they were treating you well. For instance, Women who get hit or beaten and even threatened by their h's, and then go back to their husbands saying "But I love him." IS THAT Healthy k4? Is that the type of unconditional love those women/wives should show?? You think Jesus meant for them to keep on acting as if their h's were wonderful men treating them great? You think that is what HE meant by "love your neighbor"? Or love your enemy? See, Jesus knew we have such things as enemies. Not everyone is kind or loving to us and some people are dangerous. Christ knew this.

I submit it is not what he meant by telling us to love one another. We can love the good in the person and we all should do that as Christ did. Though I can't pretend to speak for Christ, I know he hated the sin and not the sinner. I know he cared about actions, not words. He loved the good in us but he did NOT love all that we did. There is a season, K4...


I stand by what I said re: healthy love and the belief that there are those who misuse (perhaps deliberately) the terms "unconditional love" to stay stuck and not look at their life or make any plan for their own happiness, b/c it's just easier to sit and wait and pray, and there are some who self righteously call that standing".

There's something called self respect and it's part of agape love, and ALL healthy forms of love contain respect as an element. (K4 since you like to quote theology so much, please read some, and look up on what theologians say about different forms of love) There is agape love, & the love between parents and children, and Eros, between men and women, the love between friends, etc)... ALL Forms of love contain respect but all forms of love do not require the same duties. Love for your child even though they talk back or get rude to you is NOT the same duty or R you have with a friend who turns into a jerk. You can leave the friendship and that's not bad or wrong. IT's healthy to have a boundary.

Someone who does not respect themself cannot love themself, nor can they receive it from someone else in a healthy full way.
So yes, I still say that over time, if a person isn't loving or kind to you, it's NOT healthy to keep your head and heart in a place reserved for those who are. Especially if there has been betrayal after betrayal. It's self abuse to go back and I'm not into self inflicted martyrdom. It's sick to stick around for more abuse, and it's crazy to keep going to a dry well for a drink when it's empty. You can move on in your life and let go of the past and work on yourself and there is nothing wrong with that and there's nothing UNChristian about it.

K4, I think you like baiting people. But I stand by what I said and hope you CAN RESIST next time, so you dont' get other people off track on irrelevant issues that prevent or slow their forward movement. RE-read my words before you blurt out another answer or scriptural reference. Did you read the posts on your own thread? Please process them...please be respectful of those who take enormous amounts of time to post to you on your own thread, only to have you miss or ignore the main points and then demonstrate it here.

J-

[antlers]

I won't say anything further on it. I just couldn't help but draw some kind of comparison there to the unconditional love comment. I disagree with the comment that unconditional love is nothing more than being a doormat and someone who is afraid to experiance life without that other person. I'm not saying that it isn't always used properly and sometimes it is a cover up for just being afraid to be alone. But it is also true in some cases that the person really does have unconditional love for the S that walked away. I would call that strength when it is truly the case.

Kevin

Whoa! Nobody said that "unconditional love is nothing more than being a doormat and someone who is afraid to experience life without that other person." 25 was simply saying that it is not healthy for one to continue to love someone over the long haul that doesn't love them back or respect them back!

[antlers]

Over time, it is not healthy to love someone who doesn't love you back or respect you. That is NOT unconditional love; it's being a doormat AND OR being a victim and staying stuck in crazy patterns refusing to change b/c the unknown is somehow more frightening.

I just can't resist on this one. I'm sure someone will probably be irked about this. But, didn't someone who died on the cross for us love us unconditionally even though many have not loved him and respected him?

Kevin

Yeah, I think there is a little difference between the Son of God and the rest of us. I don't think it's a valid comparison. He gave His life to save the world and mankind...that's quite different than holding on to someone that doesn't want you anymore, or loving and respecting someone over the long haul who basically despises you.

[antlers]

Over time, it is not healthy to love someone who doesn't love you back or respect you. That is NOT unconditional love; it's being a doormat AND OR being a victim and staying stuck in crazy patterns refusing to change b/c the unknown is somehow more frightening.

I read your whole posts, but sometimes something really stands out...and the above really 'stands out' to me.

How can being a doormat be loving? It actually the opposite of love to allow someone treat you with disrespect.

I agree wholeheartedly.

[25yearsmlc]

Guys, k4 can't hear you...he just can't...or won't. Whatever. It's useless. This is a deflection he does. Don't get off track. Stay on your own road and focus on your life's journey. You can do this.

j-

[antlers]

When I say it's unhealthy to go on loving someone who obviously isn't loving to you or acting lovable and this continues over time...yes I think it's unhealthy to allow yourself to feel the same type of love you felt when they were treating you well.

It's healthy to have a boundary.

Someone who does not respect themself cannot love themself, nor can they receive it from someone else in a healthy full way.

So yes, I still say that over time, if a person isn't loving or kind to you, it's NOT healthy to keep your head and heart in a place reserved for those who are. Especially if there has been betrayal after betrayal. It's self abuse to go back and I'm not into self inflicted martyrdom. It's sick to stick around for more abuse, and it's crazy to keep going to a dry well for a drink when it's empty. You can move on in your life and let go of the past and work on yourself.

Sound wisdom. Thanks. This is stuff that many of us here need to hear.

[12bar]

Where's your thread?

Newbie With Almost WAW - Need Advice - love it if you could stop by and lend some advice!