Puppy - You are correct that my instincts (or my lack of level headedness) got me into this mess. And I did not db properly this time. I know that now.
I don't mean to take a fatalistic approach - more of a realistic approach. I simply don't want to set myself up for disappointment down the road. And..I need to keep reminding myself that the things I do can't be done just to win her back. I need that. That's the way I am.
I'm not sure I do advocate the Love Dare. I have only read the first 2 "days". Maybe after that I will drop it if it is pursuing. I don't know at this point what is in the whole book. I am thinking that maybe I can combine two schools of thought. That's all. It appears that those of you who have read it, feel otherwise - and that's why I asked. So I will heed the advice. Maybe read some more of it anyway, but not do the dares. Maybe drop it entirely.
Your point about my passive, eager to please nature is valid. That I will have to keep in mind.
I'm just trying to make sure that over the next 2 months, I make sure I give wife something to miss - and then after she has moved out, moved to a different phase of dbing. As I asked (or tried to) should I go virtually dark after the move out? I obviously have not got this right this time around, so I will listen.
How can she miss you at all? You're always there! You never got a life, I think you mentioned XBOX as getting a life, so you were home "getting a life" - that's not how it works. Getting a life means getting out of the house, getting involved in something different, something that makes you do different things, change thought patterns, change behaviors, etc.
You have never given her the gift of missing you.
From my own obvervation indy, you try a little of this, a little of that, some of this, some of that, waited a few days, didn't work, back to square one, I'll be me again, repeat all the bad behavior and then ask myself why nothing is working.
That sounds pretty accurate to me.
You want a quick fix to a problem that took years in the making, you said it yourself, you've been here before a few years back.
No quick fixes. Quick fixes are crap.
Real fixes require real effort, a change in your mindset, clarity, opening your eyes, changing your patterns of behavior, changing you and then several months to a year from now, you'll look back at how you were now and shake your head and say to yourself, "I can't believe i was that guy, I wouldn't want to be with that guy if I was my wife".
Clarity.
Start praying for clarity.
Until your eyes are really open about all of this, you won't ever see what needs to be done.
- I know you've mentioned that you overstepped some sexual boundaries with your wife but I don't think your marital problems hinge on this issue alone.
- Otherwise she wouldn't sleep in the same bed as you. Wouldn't "cuddle" with you as you've written a few times already.
- Heck you guys got high and had sex recently: getting drunk or high doesn't make you do things you would never do, they build up your confidence to stupid crazy levels and remove your inhibitions so that do the things you wanted to do. Regardless of what your wife says, she wanted to have sex with you that night: the weed or whatever else you were using was just the key that unlocked that door.
- She is still civil with you, from the sounds of how you describe it, she is even nice to you.
- didn't she bring you food from her work a week or so ago, why would someone do that for someone else if they didn't care for them?
Part of her likes you, possibly still loves you but another part of her is sick of crap behavior, your slacker attitude, your ability to quit something as soon as you start it: it sounds very boring, very lax, there is no excitement and she wants that sizzle to go with her steak if you know what I mean.
You've done some good work in some areas, you were there at the hospital for her and while she is recovering so you do have some redeeming qualities.
Time to be critical of yourself and look at you like someone else would look at you.
The trip idea, still a bad one.
Why not separate for a while and see if she still wants to go on a trip with you & the kids a few months from now.
Here's a 180, go on a trip without her & the kids.
Give her the gift of missing you.
Detach.
Let go of the outcome.
Assume you are separated & divorced already.
Limit your contact with her, keep your conversations quiet, respond to her when she talks but don't give her more than what she asks when she is talking to you.
You pursue to darn much and it's boring to her, she can have you whenever she wants to, she knows this, you aren't a challenge anymore, same old indy and she's evolving into someone different that wants her partner to evolve as well and you aren't.
As far as DB'ing, don't complain about DB'ing not working if you don't actually put some heart into it. If you were a boxer I'd call you "glass jaw indy", one punch and you're down. You have this defeatist attitude which your wife has no doubt felt.
Are you going to start DB'ing or are you just going to apologize that you couldn't DB because it didn't "feel right" or "it didn't apply to me and my situation, it's unique".
Yeah, we're all unique and yet we're all human, and we all had relationship issues at one time. This is your time, you going to sit on these forums and feel sorry for yourself or are you finally going to start moving on & get a life and give her the gift of missing you?
The hardest part about having a choice in all of this is not being used to wielding that kind of power in your life when you've been used to someone else calling the shots all the time with your life.
