Still in the tunnel with hubby

[kjensen]

Ok I think I need other's perspective here to make sure I'm not being unreasonable.

H told me at lunch today that he was going to have lunch(2nd time) with his female highschool friend that he recently reconnected with on Facebook.

I have to say I'm still insecure about H having friendships with other women, even if they are not his "type", at this point. My insecurity has been a bit worse recently since H threatened that "this is it, I'm done" and frequently when frustrated will say "I can't do this anymore". My insecurity is rarely visible. I don't cling or do anything that I think is different from my usual behavior..it feels mostly internal to me.

So I responded to H telling me about this lunch with a thank you for telling me-I appreciate that. H didn't get it and asked why I would thank him and I explained that I felt a bit insecure and appreciated him telling me about the lunch..H said I didn't need to be insecure and certainly not of this HS friend.

I felt like H was angry with me for being insecure so I asked him and he said I had no reason to be insecure and it was unreasonable. H said that he "can't do this anymore"...that "there is always conflict and its killing me"..if things don't change he'll have to distance himself from this. H says it hurts him that I'm insecure and he is expressing his hurt as anger.

So. I am insecure. I am worse when H says the statements he does about leaving. Its been 5 months since his A ended and he is still obsessing about her(internet searches and such). I don't cling or really say much about the insecurity and have been dealing with it on my own. H isn't very reassuring, in general.

If H decides to leave I'll deal with it. That he and I have conflict(and really in the scheme of things these conflicts happen infrequently-not daily and are usually about communication) and then H gets upset/angry and we need to let him settle down, but then the conflict is avoided...is a bad cycle. I have tried to continue the conversations to work through our areas of conflict and H avoids them...so they keep resurfacing.

I'm just wondering if H's response to my insecurity is guilt or does he just not get it, just can't empathize with me. The "real" H would have been understanding and empathetic so I wonder if this MLC H is what I'm seeing.

Later H looked at me for a minute and then said I had kind eyes and agreed to go for a quick walk with me... When we said goodbye to go back to work he had a look that was kind of sad and resigned-like we're doomed or something.

I'm having a hard time with these big ups and downs. I can't quite pinpoint the mindset I need to have in order to stay calm on this wacky ride. I tend to hold it all in which doesn't feel too healthy.