Detachment

[K4D]

Also read Divorce Remedy. I think that one is better than Divorce Busting for people who are really having to win their M's back on their own with no help from S.

Kevin

[TrentC]

Also read Divorce Remedy. I think that one is better than Divorce Busting for people who are really having to win their M's back on their own with no help from S.

Kevin

I agree. Divorce Busting seems more clinical, where The Divorce Remedy has more practical, self-help strategies.

[rockedworld]

I agree too... read both and definitely found Divorce Remedy to be easier to apply to my sitch. I keep re-reading certain sections and re-reading my goals so I don't lose sight in the darker moments....

[25yearsmlc]

This is such a great thread. having read through a majority of this, I am trying to figure out what my "image" of detachment should look like.

My sitch is that I honestly didn't show my W the love and affection that I should have due to prior resentments. It was very hard for me to be "in love" with her, but I never really wanted out of the M. Unfortunately, she had enough over 8 years and became a WAW. She has now moved out of the house, an hour away, with our 1 year old son. The area she moved to is where most of her family lives (parent, sisters, aunts, uncles etc). It is her plan to stay there.

I really feel like the odds of my M working are NIL. What would my picture of detachment look like? I hope that someone could shine some light on this for me.

are you willing to move to be close to her? That's a foundational question. If the answer is no, ask yourself what message that sends. Especially since the prior problem was you not making her feel as if she was #1 in your life. In other words, maybe she's right. If you can't move to be closer to her and your son...well, what does that say? I'm just asking. Think about it.
J-

[TrentC]

are you willing to move to be close to her? That's a foundational question. If the answer is no, ask yourself what message that sends. Especially since the prior problem was you not making her feel as if she was #1 in your life. In other words, maybe she's right. If you can't move to be closer to her and your son...well, what does that say? I'm just asking. Think about it.
J-

This is true. Sometimes making a marriage work takes drastic measures. Maybe starting over in a new city is what you guys need. (Of course, the economy being what it is makes those kinds of moves difficult...)

[25yearsmlc]

My WAW seems to have shut the door on our M. She is set on a D and is angry that I have "gotten over her" yet. I guess it was easy for her, but she really had a head start since she was the initiator. I am detaching from her but at the same time I dont want her to think I am agreeing with her or giving in to the D. Ive already made plans on moving on, and she still feels like I am holding on. As someone else has said, she can take the marriage away from me but she cant take my love away.

"Giving in" to the divorce? You have no choice if she wants a divorce. It is no longer yours to give; b/c the state and courts grant divorce, The days of saying "I'll never GIVE you a divorce" are only on television. No fault divorce laws removed that possibility so the most you can do, legally, is slow it down in some states. You think by moving on and GAL it means you are "okay" with what has happened? You honestly think she'd believe that? You know she won't. She doesn't want to keep pitying you and you are afraid you'd let her off the hook if you don't stay miserable in front of her. But you are missing the point. Detachment is for your protection and growth. It is not about their perception BUT if anything, your detachment is more attractive than your alternatives, by far. It's said that pity is next to contempt. So don't think your wife's pity of you, is a good thing. Did She say she wants you to move on? If so, do it. Or fake it til you make it as far as being in front of her. Where the head goes, the heart will follow....eventually.

DId you read the post I wrote on what real detachment means? There are tons of posts and threads on this very important topic.

Your question about detaching and how that might look as if you are somehow okay with her actions, reveals a common misunderstanding about what detachment means. It also means you think somehow looking sad and miserable and not getting over her or moving on, is more attractive than the opposite. You are mistaken on all counts. I don't want to repeat myself. Re-read those posts. GAL and detaching are for you, and yet, increase the chance of a reconciliation. The more you resist moving on, and insist on holding on-which she said she does NOT want from you, the more you ignore her requests and show up with your needs. You are not bringing anything to the table as a man, but rather are showing up needy so SHE can fill your insecurities and needs. That is not her job and you have to detach. Re-read those posts. I know you are hurting and so is the ego. But don't let a false misguided sense of pride make you look weaker, rather than stronger.

The faster she thinks you are moving on, given the givens (meaning given that she wants you to move on & she thinks you are holding on too much) the faster she may reconsider her choices. I assume she told you this? If so, why are you not at least faking in front of her? You are forcing her to defend those choices and validating them b/c the more you show up with an empty bucket of need for her to fill, which she does not want to fill (I'm guessing she wants a man who will fill some of HER needs, like a partner) the more you'll push her away and confirm her discomfort around you. Please read the posts and digest them. You want her to feel comfortable around you, not guilt ridden. The more that happens, by backing off ALL R talk and being upbeat, the more likely you will be able to build some sort of friendship down the road. That's a start.

Good luck, this will get better. Seriously.
j-

[25yearsmlc]

Great posts above, this thread is very helpful. One question about detachment that I am having trouble with. My W said that I did not express love enough and she found what she was looking for in an A. I don't want to validate this in any way because I firmly believe that I love her immensely and was just speaking the wrong love language. In a couple of posts above, it was stated that detachment might have to look different for someone in my sitch. I am really struggling as to how this should look. I want to keep the road home paved and smooth and for her to really feel that there is something good waiting for her at the end of that road if she is willing to make the journey.

Don't know enough of your sitch details yet. But one thing you can probably already say, I hope, is "If I had it to do over again, I'd sure do some things differently b/c you really are the love of my life, but I've made some changes now and am glad about that..." the idea is not to pursue and yet demonstrate that m to you NOW, would be different and better. Demonstrate that with compliments and any non pursuing way of expressing HER LOVE LANGUAGE...which I assume means you have read "The Five Love Languages"?? Great book, really. Wish all couples read it. Don't talk about it so much as demonstrate it, but that line about how you "own" your role in this and yet, also have made changes so that she can realize things could be better, is a safe route. It's not enough but it's a start. Don't argue with her perceptions either. If her marital revisions get too wacky (and most do, for awhile b/c they're busy justifying/vilifying you to rationalize their choices) you can say you don't recall it that way, or you regret that she remembers things so differently. Don't argue, but don't accept bold face craziness. My h said a few things that really stung me back then and truly seems sincere when he says he has no recall of those comments. WTH? So I have to let them go. You may have to as well. It's also one of those things about "Not believing anything they say, and only half of what they do..." apply that.

Where's your thread? Need more info to help you, such as Kids, length of m and the reasons she gave and what is diff about you now. Like what are your 180's? Gotta show her that you are not the man you were before...And why do you want to be married to her? Is it just your deeply wounded ego or are you truly in love with her? Reflect on that. Why?

Well, b/c you have to ask yourself b/c some LBS people really do make it about not wanting to feel rejection, even though in truth, they were not happy before in the m themselves -or they were asleep at the wheel, or angry at their work lives or finances, and often they took it out on the spouse, who eventually tired of the mistreatment and then left...

So In effect, some spouses force the other one to be the "bad guy" to get them to do the dirty work & leave, by making their spouse so miserable they MUST leave and then they're the WAS's... [/i] SO Sometimes the WAS is really an LBSer who just had enough. Make sense? Not saying you did that, [i]but just asking you to see your role in her leaving. Figuring out what you want from her and why, will help guide you in your reconciliation approach which still consists of GAL first and foremost. Be the best dad you can be, b/c no woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children with their father. Seriously. Lots of women stay in their m's b/c their h's are good dads and that's enough for them. At least you can get a 2nd chance, perhaps.

Good luck, and keep posting. There is hope.
J-

[pitinmygut]

One of the major reasons I have resentment towards her is because when I lost my job out in the eastern part of the state, she found that as a perfect opportunity to move us all the way to the western part of the state. I grew up in the eastern part and she grew up in the western part. About 2.5 hours driving distance.

I didn't like it one bit out there. I missed my family and friends too much, plus there really wasn't a lot of things to do.

I told I wasn't happy and we decided to move to a middle ground area. That was about 5 years ago. She became very attached to the new area, we opened up a new business for her and she was making a lot of good friends. I was up and down about my feelings about the area. I always had a strong draw back to the eastern part of the state.

About a year and half ago, I decided to go back to work full time (I was working on my own for several years, with a lot of ups and downs). My big mistake was looking for work out the eastern part of the state with hopes to moving back there. she was not happy about that. Looking back, I can see why.

I have been the type of person that can't be content with what he has. That is one thing I am trying to change now and I have actually become content in the town I am in, unfortunately, it came a bit too late. I just don't think me moving out that way again would be good.

[pitinmygut]

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[TrentC]

MWD posted a YouTube video talking about "Acting As If":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AErbVUDLoRY

I can't watch it at work so I can't comment on it...