Slept with XH, help!!

[Andabelle]

It's not that I don't think they're mentally ill... but MLC doesn't rise to the level of sickness that would make a plausible insanity defense for murder. They are not psychotic (at least the majority of them aren't). I have compassion for them, but only up to a point. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.

A lot depends on where the MLCer falls on the nastiness scale... most are just messed up, but some are flat-out evil.

[Andabelle]

whoops

[Jack_Three_Beans]

but MLC doesn't rise to the level of sickness that would make a plausible insanity defense for murder.

Apples = Affairs
Oranges = Murder

I will agree some are just evil and those are the ones who have more going on that just an MLC. FIB's wife? I'd happily put a stake into her and walk away.

[K4D]

I would pray for FIB's W's soul.

Kevin

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Vampires have no souls.

[Andabelle]

I'll bring the hammer.

[Augtan]

Ok, wait who is FIB?? I guess I don't know the abbrv. yet! Help!

Anyway, I agree that there is a fine line between love and hate. But, if I went into all the detail of what XH did to us, you might put him in the catagory of FIB's wife!! I have no idea how someone does what he has done and cannot see it!! But, he doesn't see all he has done and it is unbelieveable. He was selfish before the MLC but not as bad as now!! I am done, but I want to move on, there is a difference. I have no idea how to be attracted to another man, let alone be with one! I have been with XH since I was 18 yrs. old, he wasn't my "first" but he was my last!! I have to say that XH isn't pure evil, but OW is, I know people will think I am blaming her...but I am sure she is for more reasons than I can list~ What... true, good, loving mother walks away from her son?? I know WAS do it all the time, but to me they are not real mothers no matter what anyone says!! I am a mother and the motherly instinct takes over no matter what... it is not up for debate. If you don't have the motherly instinct, then you are not a real mother, you are just someone who gave birth!! She is evil! My XH was in a full-blown MLC and to prey on a man who is saying "I have no idea what is happening, I don't know what to do, I am lost, etc." is just evil. He is beyond messed up, so no normal woman would want him...she isn't normal!! XH told her he had no idea what he wanted, and her responce was "if you want to choose your kids over me..i understand" What normal woman would say that??? I am just so sick of it all!! I am sick of his sh*t!! He says so many crazy things..I just want a normal man, are there any out there??? How do I stop hating him? How do I stop hating her?? I am just sick of feeling so many bad feeling, I am normally a fun, happy, caring, loving, compassionate person.

Someone earlier asked me what I did in my M to screw it up... I did many, many things, but I owned up to all of it within weeks of finding out about the OW. I understood what I had done and wanted to fix it more than anything. XH just isn't deep enough to understand that people can learn and change. I made mistakes, but they were no where near enough to make what he did justifiable!! I wrote a letter to OW that I never sent and in it I said..."it doesn't matter if we had the worst marrige in the history of marriages...we were married and the fact that you f'd a married man makes you a wh**e...period". I was raised where there is not alot of grey in life...especially when it comes to family and marriage!! When you are married, you don't f**k around. Get divorced, but divorce is not the answer in most cases,...then if you want someone else...My parents have been married for 54 years though good and bad, you just don't give up because you feel like it... that is not commitment! Commitment and love are not the same... the Bible talks about commitment!! When you take vows that is what you do, and when you have kids it just bonds the commitment more, you owe it to your kids not to give up just because some wh**e comes along. I am sorry, but I am sick of our society making excuses for everything anyone does...it is wrong and there still is right from wrong!!

A

[Walking]

Girl - I'm not going to debate a thing you said .. in principle I agree with most of it ... but so what?

Yeah - it's true that there is a difference between love and commitment - and you have your ethical and moral belief about it - but your husband has taken a different view and there is nothing you can do to change that.

Stamping your foot because you are RIGHT is not going to do anything to change what's going on with him - because that's his journey not yours - and it's not really doing anything to help you either - it's just making you angry.



Part of this journey is learning to accept there are many many things in life that are outside of our control .... we can only control how we feel, behave and live our lives. Chose to live it without all that anger. That's how you will start to feel better.

[cat04]

A,

My God you have some great people here.

First, MLC, while not officially diagnosable as a mental illness, is filled with depression. Which IS a diagnosable mental illness. There are many levels of depression and many people who are severly depressed, do things that they really aren’t aware of. People who go into the mania that is the opposite of depression, do things they are not aware of. Most people in MLC, will flat out deny that they said or did things, simply because they don’t remember. They are not aware of so much of what they have done. They are in their own world of hurt and can’t see past the end of their noses.

There are many of us here who could say, “if you only knew what he/she did.” I know if I heard anyone else tell my story, I would ask them to see a psychiatrist. But….

On any given day, in a normal situation (the key word is normal), you are right, WHO would sleep with a married man? Well, whether we want to believe it or not, there are plenty of people who will. In most of these cases, these OP are not in any better shape emotionally or mentally, to know any better. My H’s current OW, she has been D 3 times, do I think she has a CLUE about how to maintain an R? Nope.

So do I judge them? Not any more. It served a purpose for me to carry the anger I had for a long time, but the truth is, all it really did was keep ME stuck in a world of MY OWN hurt, frustration, and blame. Life was unfair, I had no choices, I had no control over whether I was happy or not. Basically, I didn’t want to take responsibility for myself. When I was ready to do that, my world began to change. I began to change. Now, although I still believe my H is making mistakes that he might not be able to undo, I can accept and understand that he needs to try to make himself happy. This is how he thinks that will happen. I love him enough to let him make his choices and want him to be as happy as I am. If that isn’t with me, so be it.

Looking in your own mirror, is NOT just about owning up and saying I did this or that. And expecting that to simply be enough to make the situation different.

I had to change my ways in order for there to be real difference. Over the years, I shut my H out. I didn’t trust him enough to share myself with him. I was scared of his reactions. At first, I tried to just talk and tell him things. But unfortunately, he was still not getting the real me. There was still a part of me, that was afraid. I always said it was of him, but the truth is, I was afraid of me. I was afraid that H would walk away if he knew what was really inside of me. I didn’t accept myself. I do now. Has that brought H back? No. Has that brought some wonderful people into my life? Yes. Do they know about me the things that I have always hidden? Yes. Do they accept me despite those things? Those things that I believed would make me unworthy of caring and compassion and friendship from any human being? Yes. Very much so.

None of us created the situations that brought on MLC. But we all play a role in how the MLC plays out. We all have a role in how our M grow and change or stagnate. Is it fair? Should we have to pay for the sins of our S’s parents or families? NOPE. But it is what we are faced with. There is a reason for it. Reasons for our own healing if we can move beyond our anger at the unfairness of the world.

Is it fair that there are people in this country that are starving everyday, while I throw out moldy bread because we just didn’t get to eat it in time? Should I just be ok with thinking, hey, it is their fault they are starving, they could get a job, or do something because He!!, I work, so can they? I don’t think so. Life is not fair. But I won’t stop eating because some people are starving. I will, however, do what I can to make things different. I bring food every week to one of the local shelters. I used to think it was their problem and that they should just find a way to “fix” themselves.

How do you stop hating? We all find different ways. I hope you do not take offense to what I am about to say, but a year ago, I could have written your words.

First, you have to stop allowing yourself to be the victim. You have to stop looking at the unfairness of all of it, stop saying I did this and it didn’t make a difference, he still doesn’t want me or this or whatever, and be really honest with yourself. You have to decide, what can you control for YOU. What do YOU want for you. What did YOU do, that maybe you could have done differently, WHY did you do those things, are you TRULY a person who, if faced with the exact same situation, would do things differently or would you do them exactly the same way? If you would do things that you could have done better, the same way you handled them in the past, then you haven’t changed. Acknowledgment and change are very different.

If you want to utilize your anger, do it constructively. Use it as a motivation force to want to have the ultimate revenge, which is you truly being happy in your life DESPITE all that H and OW or anyone else has done. Channel it in a way that serves you POSITIVLY. Eventually, you will find that it just isn’t there anymore. You will wonder why you ever were angry in the first place.

[cat04]

A,

One more thing. You addressed not knowing how to be attracted to a man and the reasons behind it.

I too was with my H from a very young age. I too asked myself those same questions. How would I ever be able to find anyone else? How would I ever know how to do that?

I don’t worry about that anymore. I had to remember how I met my H. Did I do anything specific to find him, to attract him? No, I was just myself at the time. And he liked that.

Now that I like me again, I know that when the time is right and the person is right, I will know it. I will feel it. It could possibly be H, but it could possibly be someone else. But it will be for those same reasons as it was then. Because I am myself, not trying to impress anyone. I like myself and whoever comes into my life will also like me. It really is very simple when you think about it.

For the last several years now, I have watched one of my clients mother’s try to find a man. She has internet dated, gone to bars, gone on blind dates. She has met many men that she states she was “in love” with after a date or two. She has tried very hard to become what she thinks they want from her but it doesn’t take long for the front to come down. And then they disappear. She cannot grasp why that is happening. She cannot see what she is doing wrong. I have tried to share with her, that it is because she is not being true to herself and showing them that. She is trying (at the age of 63) to be the sex kitten, the domestic goddess, the sports freak, if that is what she feels that they want in a woman. She is none of those things. That is why it doesn’t last for her. They are initially attracted to some quality in her that she exudes, but she refuses to let them continue to see what that is, because she doesn’t know what it is for herself.

Staying in that mindset, will make any future relationships difficult. But knowing who you are, how you are, accepting yourself, and remaining true to yourself, and loving yourself, that is what will make a future relationship possible and lasting.