First of all, I got your FB reply and will be commenting on it tonight. I appreciate it more than you realize.
On to H, I posted a few books for your benefit, but FIB is absolutely correct that H needs to read them as well. He left, so the onus is on him.
Communication issues can be solved, but only if you have a better understanding of what you can do for your part of things. You are completely correct in stating:
Quote:
...as long as we dont communicate, the above barriers will remain. I need to figure out how to approach this. If he cant turn his guilt to expression of positive feelings, we are not going anywhere. And if I dont stop obssessing about the A, we dont stand a chance.
You may want to focus on your end of the communication line and go from there. If you can find a better handle on things for yourself, that can help you to reduce stress on your side.
I also think that H needs to know about your needs for him to express himself rather than bury himself behind his guilt and shame. Again, if you get to read the two books (or similar ones) I posted about earlier, do so for you, then tell H he has to read them as well. Don't give him an option, but tell him if he wants to figure things out, he HAS to read them...or he could read them 1st. Whatever works the best for you.
You are on shaky ground still and will be for a while. I liked Ali's idea of telling H the more he helps w/you now w/out hiding and running away, the quicker things can be repaired and not resurface later.
You also need to follow what Ali and BF are doing and limit yourself to 1 hour per day and stick to it. It should make the discussions easier on both of you and help to create more openness because you'll both have an out w/the time limit if you find you need it.