Great posts above, this thread is very helpful. One question about detachment that I am having trouble with. My W said that I did not express love enough and she found what she was looking for in an A. I don't want to validate this in any way because I firmly believe that I love her immensely and was just speaking the wrong love language. In a couple of posts above, it was stated that detachment might have to look different for someone in my sitch. I am really struggling as to how this should look. I want to keep the road home paved and smooth and for her to really feel that there is something good waiting for her at the end of that road if she is willing to make the journey.
Don't know enough of your sitch details yet. But one thing you can probably already say, I hope, is "If I had it to do over again, I'd sure do some things differently b/c you really are the love of my life, but I've made some changes now and am glad about that..." the idea is not to pursue and yet demonstrate that m to you NOW, would be different and better. Demonstrate that with compliments and any non pursuing way of expressing HER LOVE LANGUAGE...which I assume means you have read "The Five Love Languages"?? Great book, really. Wish all couples read it. Don't talk about it so much as demonstrate it, but that line about how you "own" your role in this and yet, also have made changes so that she can realize things could be better, is a safe route. It's not enough but it's a start. Don't argue with her perceptions either. If her marital revisions get too wacky (and most do, for awhile b/c they're busy justifying/vilifying you to rationalize their choices) you can say you don't recall it that way, or you regret that she remembers things so differently. Don't argue, but don't accept bold face craziness. My h said a few things that really stung me back then and truly seems sincere when he says he has no recall of those comments. WTH? So I have to let them go. You may have to as well. It's also one of those things about "Not believing anything they say, and only half of what they do..." apply that.
Where's your thread? Need more info to help you, such as Kids, length of m and the reasons she gave and what is diff about you now. Like what are your 180's? Gotta show her that you are not the man you were before...And why do you want to be married to her? Is it just your deeply wounded ego or are you truly in love with her? Reflect on that. Why?
Well, b/c you have to ask yourself b/c some LBS people really do make it about not wanting to feel rejection, even though in truth, they were not happy before in the m themselves -or they were asleep at the wheel, or angry at their work lives or finances, and often they took it out on the spouse, who eventually tired of the mistreatment and then left...
So In effect, some spouses force the other one to be the "bad guy" to get them to do the dirty work & leave, by making their spouse so miserable they MUST leave and then they're the WAS's... [/i] SO Sometimes the WAS is really an LBSer who just had enough. Make sense? Not saying you did that, [i]but just asking you to see your role in her leaving. Figuring out what you want from her and why, will help guide you in your reconciliation approach which still consists of GAL first and foremost. Be the best dad you can be, b/c no woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children with their father. Seriously. Lots of women stay in their m's b/c their h's are good dads and that's enough for them. At least you can get a 2nd chance, perhaps.
Good luck, and keep posting. There is hope. J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
