'I closed our joint account today. As a courtesy I thought I would let you know. D enjoyed her first day back at school although she initially didn't want to go'
No response. I thought I'd get something about my D. What a waste of time it is trying to keep my W involved with my D. I really don't know why I bother.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
You asked about why your W would be hurt if she truly had moved on with OM.....and I suppose you meant when you blew up at her? The biggest reason is b/c it would be hard to stand there and listen to what you said and not have some reaction. She would either be hurt, or angry....but not likely indifferent. The two of you have not been S long enough to have that sort of "conversation" and there not be some type of emotion felt. As far as a 2x4, what's done is done and you've told her how you feel and just don't do it anymore. If she is used to seeing or hearing this side of you....then it certainly does no good and digs your grave quicker.
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No response. I thought I'd get something about my D. What a waste of time it is trying to keep my W involved with my D. I really don't know why I bother.
Let me tell you something about LBS and their children. I read this over and over again, how the S wants best for their kids...yada, yada. That is true for any decent person. However, a child can become the handiest "excuse" to contact the WAS than anyother you'll find. There is always something you can tell about your D, but you need to ask yourself if it is an emergency. If not, then you are using your D as an excuse to talk to your W.
Only if your W contacts asking something regarding your D should you tell her information. You do not need to use an excuse that you would think she "should" want to know or that you are doing it for your D or even that you are doing it for "their" R. It is an excuse plain and simple.
It's good that you have a day that you feel strong, but then don't be surprised and let down when you discover that the next day you feel weak. It is normal. Be careful the decisions you make on either day b/c it will be based on your emotions--and that's not good.
I agree about FB and some other means people are using these days. I see so much damage it's doing to young people. The kids use to have problems at school, but then when they went home it died down. However, now due to TM, FB and other things....it doesn't die down and the rucus keeps going until there is a shooting or something else. It's really scary to think what things are to come in the future. Anyway......you are probably right to stay off FB! You know what you can't handle and what upsets you....so you are smart in that respect. Just don't be blindsided by sticking your head completely in the sand.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You asked about why your W would be hurt if she truly had moved on with OM.....and I suppose you meant when you blew up at her? The biggest reason is b/c it would be hard to stand there and listen to what you said and not have some reaction. ... If she is used to seeing or hearing this side of you....then it certainly does no good and digs your grave quicker.
I agree with all of that and as I said I shouldn't have done it. I was so mad at what she had done though that I just had to tell her. I realise it's put me 5 steps back but as you said, what's done is done.
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Only if your W contacts asking something regarding your D should you tell her information. You do not need to use an excuse that you would think she "should" want to know or that you are doing it for your D or even that you are doing it for "their" R. It is an excuse plain and simple.
Nail on the head. I regretted it almost as soon as I did it. I justified it to myself that she just doesn't seem to care about my D and I am bending over backwards and taking a lot of flack to keep their R together. I don't want a thank you but some sort of interest to show me that everything I am doing is not in vain would be nice.
I will remember 'only if it's an emergency' rule.
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It's good that you have a day that you feel strong, but then don't be surprised and let down when you discover that the next day you feel weak. It is normal. Be careful the decisions you make on either day b/c it will be based on your emotions--and that's not good.
Today and yesterday were very bad days. I cleared out the rest of my W's stuff from the house (I have nothing left - no pics, no trinkets, no little gifts she gave me, nothing). I found a Fathers Day card from this year that said 'To my darling P17, I cherish every moment with you. You're the best dad in the world' and I was off crying like a child. All the usual - how could she go from that to this in a matter of months. The day got worse when I found out I have financial issues with the bank (I no longer have access to my accounts - nothing to do with W).
Today, not quite as bad but it's getting there ... good days and bad days. No major decisions being made though.
[quoute]You know what you can't handle and what upsets you....so you are smart in that respect.[/quote]
I have stuck to that boundary and actually pretty pleased with myself. Had to enforce is a few times now but did so without any hesitation. Also resisted driving down her street or looking for his car in her driveway.
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Just don't be blindsided by sticking your head completely in the sand.
What do you mean by this?
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
The day got worse when I found out I have financial issues with the bank (I no longer have access to my accounts - nothing to do with W).
What happened?
Puppy
The bank has put a stop on the account I use for everything because I was overdrawn on my other account. I have tried to sort this out with them in the past but nobody ever responded to my letters.
Effectively I have no access to my money in my accounts. They graciously gave me �50 out of my account to manage on over the weekend but after two days of trying to sort it they still can't agree even who's responsibility it is let alone what they are going to do about it.
It's been a very bad day.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
Just don't be blindsided by sticking your head completely in the sand.
What do you mean by this?
Well I just meant don't go so far as to disbelieve that she would be capable of doing certain things. She is not the woman you once knew. So don't think she can't or won't kick you where it hurts! Expect anything. I'm not saying she will, I'm just saying she might-- and the smart thing is for you to believe she could.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well I just meant don't go so far as to disbelieve that she would be capable of doing certain things. She is not the woman you once knew. So don't think she can't or won't kick you where it hurts! Expect anything. I'm not saying she will, I'm just saying she might-- and the smart thing is for you to believe she could.
That went out the window quite some time ago.
Let's put it this way. I never thought she'd leave me. I never thought she'd cheat on me. I never thought she'd move her OM in with her 3 weeks after leaving here. I never thought she'd have so much disrespect for me to live 500 yards away with her OM and not think it's a problem. I never thought she'd be so disinterested in the step-D she helped bring up for 7 years. I never thought .... yada yada yada.
I long ago stop thinking 'she would never do that' because she did all of the above and she is therefore capable of doing anything. I don't listen to a word she says, I only look at her actions now.
I have no doubts that this woman will be in my life for quite some time in one way or another. And most of it won't be for nice reasons.
Last edited by P17; 10/31/0906:10 PM.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
I've been thinking over the weekend (usually a bad thing). This is just a bit of a vent and I know this is a safe place and you guys will listen.
I know I still deeply love my W as all of us do on here with our partners (or we wouldn't be here) but I also know that I am not in love with her anymore. The knot in my stomach I get when I see her or think about her or find out more about what shes doing (hence why I told people to stop telling me) confuses me. It's a mixture of love, pain, care, pity and forgiveness.
I know it's only been a few months but I truly believe my wife will never come back to me. I believe she is too proud to ever admit she made a mistake. And too much blaming me for the problems to sit down and work on herself. She doesn't seem to be in any fog - she seems pretty happy and determined to keep her life course going.
What still confuses me is the little kisses on texts, the love yous and other affection I got almost up until the date she said we were separating. Three days before she left she sent me an email saying she was worried about me, my depression (which I have found out was because of the state of our relationship) and that she wanted to fight for us and fight for our M.
At this point I am just trying to get on with my life. It's not easy. Most of my GALing has slipped away to be honest. I am trying to get it back on course.
The OM has changed everything. Before him there was nice contact from her. She also wasn't sure what she wanted. Since he has arrived, or was due to arrive, contact has vanished. She no longer "needs" me. Which gives me hope and worry - hope that when he goes she may wake up (although I still don't think she'll come back) and worry that she's going to break down. My plan at the moment is to TRY and make sure she can see that I am a safe person she can turn to, even if it's just because I still care about her. That is going to be a HUGE amount of work but I am committed to doing it.
As I've said on here a few times, the OM is a strange one. Within 10 days of him being here he had second thoughts 2-3 times. Maybe it was just cold feet for such a huge decision I don't know. But it doesn't bode well for them.
I think one of the things that keeps me going is a quote I read on here (this is my version of it). For an LBS to continue to love their WAS, even during and after an A, and fight for their marriage takes a deep love and commitment that no WAS could ever understand.
One final decision I have made. No D until I am ready and done. I have been thinking about D and the pain I feel inside is unbearable. I had been reading a D is like a death and if just thinking about it is any indication I am really not strong enough just now.
Last edited by P17; 11/02/0910:23 AM.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
My W is coming over tomorrow night to babysit my D. Left a VM for her to ask if she would bring a few things over that I lent her. I've had no response.
Couple this with the no response from her last week and my gut is telling me she is pulling away completely from my D (and me).
If she tells me tomorrow she won't be seeing either of us again, I'm wondering how to respond to it. Would like to be prepared so I don't go all weak at the knees and become clingy or needy OR be nasty and angry!
Advice really appreciated on how I should approach it.
Good news is I went back to the gym today for the first time in weeks. Exhausted but at least my GALing has started again.
Last edited by P17; 11/03/0904:24 PM.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
