My WAW seems to have shut the door on our M. She is set on a D and is angry that I have "gotten over her" yet. I guess it was easy for her, but she really had a head start since she was the initiator. I am detaching from her but at the same time I dont want her to think I am agreeing with her or giving in to the D. Ive already made plans on moving on, and she still feels like I am holding on. As someone else has said, she can take the marriage away from me but she cant take my love away.
"Giving in" to the divorce? You have no choice if she wants a divorce. It is no longer yours to give; b/c the state and courts grant divorce, The days of saying "I'll never GIVE you a divorce" are only on television. No fault divorce laws removed that possibility so the most you can do, legally, is slow it down in some states. You think by moving on and GAL it means you are "okay" with what has happened? You honestly think she'd believe that? You know she won't. She doesn't want to keep pitying you and you are afraid you'd let her off the hook if you don't stay miserable in front of her. But you are missing the point. Detachment is for your protection and growth. It is not about their perception BUT if anything, your detachment is more attractive than your alternatives, by far. It's said that pity is next to contempt. So don't think your wife's pity of you, is a good thing. Did She say she wants you to move on? If so, do it. Or fake it til you make it as far as being in front of her. Where the head goes, the heart will follow....eventually.
DId you read the post I wrote on what real detachment means? There are tons of posts and threads on this very important topic.
Your question about detaching and how that might look as if you are somehow okay with her actions, reveals a common misunderstanding about what detachment means. It also means you think somehow looking sad and miserable and not getting over her or moving on, is more attractive than the opposite. You are mistaken on all counts. I don't want to repeat myself. Re-read those posts. GAL and detaching are for you, and yet, increase the chance of a reconciliation. The more you resist moving on, and insist on holding on-which she said she does NOT want from you, the more you ignore her requests and show up with your needs. You are not bringing anything to the table as a man, but rather are showing up needy so SHE can fill your insecurities and needs. That is not her job and you have to detach. Re-read those posts. I know you are hurting and so is the ego. But don't let a false misguided sense of pride make you look weaker, rather than stronger.
The faster she thinks you are moving on, given the givens (meaning given that she wants you to move on & she thinks you are holding on too much) the faster she may reconsider her choices. I assume she told you this? If so, why are you not at least faking in front of her? You are forcing her to defend those choices and validating them b/c the more you show up with an empty bucket of need for her to fill, which she does not want to fill (I'm guessing she wants a man who will fill some of HER needs, like a partner) the more you'll push her away and confirm her discomfort around you. Please read the posts and digest them. You want her to feel comfortable around you, not guilt ridden. The more that happens, by backing off ALL R talk and being upbeat, the more likely you will be able to build some sort of friendship down the road. That's a start.
Good luck, this will get better. Seriously. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
