Still Wondering How To Handle Things!!

[kissak]

Thanks Mishka for being my friend! I can always depend on you for support!

[mishka422]

Anytime chica!!!!

[kissak]

OK...evidently my H took to heart our little conversation a couple of weeks back.

I remember now what was said....we were talking about him working shift work and all. Him wanting me to help with his schedule and kids when he had them....I of course said no problem...but occasionally I like to be a little sarcastic...I told him at the time "you know, if you lived here this would be easier".

Well, we took the kids to the fair the other night. We always try to at least do those kinda things together with the kids still. He mentioned while they were on a ride that he had his health insurance come up for review the day before and he wanted me to know that he hadnt taken me off. He said he didnt want to leave me with no Insurance. Then he goes on to say that he really was thinking about what I had said....about moving home.

We talked alot when the kids were on rides about somethings and him talking to his therapist about it and all.

Hmmmm, not sure what to make of this. It has been quite sometime since his last request of moving home. I believe it was last December that we talked about it all.

Im not really sure what I want to do. Instead being excited about it all, Im wondering if its really what I want after all this time.

Has he changed? Has he worked on himself any? Im very sure if he changes his mind AGAIN, I would be VERY OK with it! Meaning I wouldnt fall apart like in the past. I think I would tell him then that it was over.

Im thinking if it gets to what ever point it gets to this time that I will say "last chance". Because I know I will be ok and CAN make it on my own!!

Lots to be considered and talked about. I told him after talking a little about it the other night that we could talk more later...that I wanted to enjoy the kids and the fair.

Pray that I make the right decisions.

[mishka422]

Praying for you sweetie!

Of course, it's all just supposition at this point since he hasn't actually said he wants to come home. I'll hope for that outcome for you and your kids, but only if it's going to be best for you.

You are right to be concerned about his changes (or lack thereof). What actions would he have to show you before you allowed him home? What would you need to know?

You need to have boundaries and requirements of him before you go a step further, ok? Be very careful. Not so much for you, but for your kids. Your kids would most likely be devastated if he came home again and then left.

[kissak]

I understand Mishka....believe it or not, I know thats my H's concern. He Doesnt want to hurt the kids again either. I honestly dont think he would do this to them again. Or at least I pray not.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Kissak,

: )

I know how you feel.

What scares me is that I could care less either way. Im not sure if thats good or bad.

Im not really sure what I want to do. Instead being excited about it all, Im wondering if its really what I want after all this time.

It's like you almost don't want to invest into the emotions required. That's how it was for me. Along with a few other very important reasons.

But I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't give her that last chance.
To do everything for promise I had made and to my family which, were me and my children at the time.

I actually wanted her to fail, and I was expecting her to.
But she didn't. I am glad for that now, but at the time...I was actually pi$$ed.

Has he changed? Has he worked on himself any?

I'll admit to a certain ammount of not knowing your whole story. : ) Sorry. That being said, unless he was abusive...verbally or physically, you cannot really expect them to come out of MLC a better person. They come out the same person they were BEFORE the MLC. Not the person who was MLC but the faulty person they were before, just 'fixed' if you will in what lead them to MLC. ...and fragile. Hell, they know they were broken and are.

As a growing person you are ahead of them, it is up to you to determine if you wait up for them...but do not stop growing yourself.

Meaning I wouldnt fall apart like in the past. I think I would tell him then that it was over.

Im thinking if it gets to what ever point it gets to this time that I will say "last chance". Because I know I will be ok and CAN make it on my own!!

Because of this, what you wrote, you will be fine. No matter what choice you made, you will be ok.
Even now, years later, if my wife calle dme right now and said, "I need to leave." I'd reply, "OK, lets do this."
First because, I will not go through this again for her, everyone gets one, if they need it."
Second, because I am OK.
Third, my happiness depends on me, and no one else.

You want to make the right choice.

NO ONE should tell you what that right choice is.
A warning and a question:

Make no decision you will later regret or question.

Isn't this what you came here seeking?

: )

You're golden Kissak.

[shewholurks]

Kissak,
Four days ago you stated that you know he isn't ready. You also said that you believe he is still hung up on the old girlfriend. Those are red flags.

There is nothing wrong with saying "thanks but no thanks." You have outgrown him and his juvenile tendencies. You are the only one who is going to truly be looking out for you. His pattern of walking back out is something you really have to consider. The children seem to be doing so well and will be greatly affected should he do so again.

Is he asking to reconcile or just to move back in for convenience sake? There is a huge difference. Reconciling can be done without him living in the house. Take your time thinking things through. This is not a decision you should rush to make.

*hugs*
~ swl

[kissak]

Thanks Jack....I really hear alot of what you are saying. I did come here to try to save my marriage and during that time I think I have just saved myself. I am different now. I still love my H, but Im not really sure if he is ready yet.

SWL, there is alot of talking that still needs to be done. Trust me, he will not be moving back in. Im more along the lines of thinking working on things and NOT letting him live here as you said. Even going as far as NOT even mentioning this to our children.

I really need to try and get into his head about why all of this has come up now. Why does he want to move home? What is different?

I think he is going to be introduced to a whole new person. Because I have so many thoughts and questions to ask him...and quite frankly Im gonna be more bold on what I ask him than ever before!!!

Im sure after him talking to me he will really reconsider what he asked. Not that I would talk him out of it, but I really and gonna put it all out there for him.

Honestly, this is what I have wanted all along, for him to come home, but I have to be sure HE is ready. I know I am. I have to know his stand on the exOW. I was only speculating on him being hung up on the OW still. STill alot to talk about and that is what Im really nervous about, so pray for me that I will not crumble and fall!

But really....this will be his "last chance" IF I let him come back into my life in that way.


Thank you swl for your thoughts. I undertand completly what you are saying. I luv ya! You have helped me through some low points!!

Jack, I appreciate you giving me your thoughts to. I am always interested in what you have to say with others....glad you stopped by my thread!!!

Just pray for me friends. I know Im gonna be ok, but how I handle this is gonna make all the difference in the world to me and my kids. I have to protect me and them.

[Sanderika]

Hi kissak,

I don't post much anymore about me.....I can't, I had to let go of the drama and posting here was keeping the drama alive. I have posted to journal/vent to let out a frustration not expecting a response however. I can definitly understand you.

I just read back a couple of months about your sitch.....

I have been involved in mine now for over 4 years and like you in yours at almost 3 years have also changed, grown and survived this he!!.

My H and I are facing another court appointment on Dec. 4th. We have had 4 appointments to start D proceedings and H has postponed all of them in order to reconcile this marriage. My H has however made no significant changes in his life. He is still with OW.

My H and I have become very good friends in the process, I am grateful for that. A mountain has moved since the bomb in order for that to be.

I see your H as desperate for some reason. He is behaving almost like a stalker. He has a new found interest in your every move. I have to wonder if it is just a simple as him noticing that you are moving forward without him. I think he is just realizing that he is scared to death to lose you. You have grown to be such a strong, healthy (congrats on the weight loss!!!), independant and happy woman. I wonder if H has realized that you are slipping out of his control. I am assuming this, I don't really know your H...he seems a lot like mine. Perhaps he is just now realizing he has been totally miserable for the past 3-4 years and you/kids are exactly what he has missed. As pathetic as they are, I think we are what they have wanted all along. It took living in he!! and dishing out unbelievable hurt to realize it.

I wonder if H has decided (like you) it's now "the last chance". Maybe this is H coming to a turning point.

You are aware of his game and how he plays. You will make the wise choice. I am confident you are so much further ahead of your H. The problem will be whether or not you WANT to give him the "last chance". IMO, if it matters, I would be grateful for another chance to put my family together. I think I would do as the others have said: Not let him move back in. He should court you, afterall this is a new relationship. H will still need to prove he is worthy of you and the kids. H will need to show you he is all about you and the family unit. This isn't going to happen while he is still riding the rollercoaster of emotion.

I am not convinced that he will ever be over the OW. In my sitch I have realized that this person I loathe did play a role in his life and he will most likely have moments the rest of his life that he thinks about her. I would be an idiot if I thought otherwise. With time the thoughts will wane, they will always pop up from time to time. If you can think that way about it you should be able to have a healthy emotion regarding it. Do I make sense, I am not sure my point is being made...

Oh, kissak....I understand and know you so well. I have told you before we are so much alike. I completely relate to your dilemma. I want my H and love him unconditionally very much. I want someone though other than the H he is with her. I don't really want my old H back either (the H he had become 2-4 years post bomb....the H before that OH yeah!!!!). My H and I are very friendly.....I am afraid being just a friend isn't going to work for me. I will never get over him if we remain friendly. I have pretty much decided to go forward with the D in December because I have not seen any real significant changes, to me his actions are screaming and his words are empty. If you remember my H filed last October under pressure from the OW. My H has never really wanted a D from me. His inability to follow through this past year is testimony to that fact. OW be damned. If she only knew what I know......The fact remains he is still with her and I am a slow learner, I don't see that changing for a long while yet.

I am happy to have found you again....I will be interested to see how you decide on this.

I rambled and I am sorry if I seemed to dash about....My thoughts are a bit erratic as the days tick by to the 4th of Dec.

(((((kissak)))))

Sanderika

[kissak]

Thank you Sanderika for your thoughts.

Im definitly on the fence about this. I want this, but Im not sure if its time for it yet. I have noticed how my H does recognize his issues better now. He "assumes" alot. I guess that is something I do to.

He did tell me that He had told his dad about us maybe working things out or talking about it. I was surprised that he had mentioned this to him already.

Im watching and keeping my ears open for everything.

Also you mentioned about him stalking me almost...always wondering what Im doing, etc. Honestly he has been that way the whole time.

I will be thinking of you Sanderika and your upcoming court date.