Great posts above, this thread is very helpful. One question about detachment that I am having trouble with. My W said that I did not express love enough and she found what she was looking for in an A. I don't want to validate this in any way because I firmly believe that I love her immensely and was just speaking the wrong love language. In a couple of posts above, it was stated that detachment might have to look different for someone in my sitch. I am really struggling as to how this should look. I want to keep the road home paved and smooth and for her to really feel that there is something good waiting for her at the end of that road if she is willing to make the journey.
One question about detachment that I am having trouble with. My W said that I did not express love enough and she found what she was looking for in an A. I don't want to validate this in any way because I firmly believe that I love her immensely and was just speaking the wrong love language.
You can express validation for her frustration ("You didn't express love enough for me") but not agree with what she did to find it.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
How do you validate her frustration? Only if/when she brings it up? we don't want to bring up R talks ourselves....correct? Or is it different for this type of sitch?
Me 44/W 32 S1 M8 Bomb 9/25/09 Separate houses (about 1 hour apart)
How do you validate her frustration? Only if/when she brings it up?
Yes. Right now is not the time for us to initiate relationship talk.
You may find as these conversations happen, and as you can defuse and validate some of these feelings, that she may be less resistant to talking about the R. But she should still be the one to bring it up.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
You validate her feelings, not her actions. You can certainly bring up her feelings and validate them. Just don't take it farther and don't turn it around to you and how you feel. It is about letting her know you understand how she feels.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I agree with the validation part when the R talks do come up. I have been getting better at that but need to work on not redirecting to I feel, I need, etc. I was just wondering if GAL and showing them that you are OK and moving on with your life might make WAS think that the reason you are able to "easily" do this is because of the fact that you didn't really love them anyway
I was just wondering if GAL and showing them that you are OK and moving on with your life might make WAS think that the reason you are able to "easily" do this is because of the fact that you didn't really love them anyway
No, this is a misconception. GAL is for you to help you survive and learn how to enjoy your life on your own. This also is actually more attractive to your W because it shows her that you can stand on your own 2 feet and are not clingy and needy which drives them very far away. It also makes you a more interesting person to them because you do have a life that they might want to know more about.
Do not think of it as your W will think you never loved her. It makes you more of a man to have a life than not to have a life in her eyes.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I was just wondering if GAL and showing them that you are OK and moving on with your life might make WAS think that the reason you are able to "easily" do this is because of the fact that you didn't really love them anyway
It is possible that they will feel that way. If they say something to that effect, you can reply with:
"I still love you very much and want to work this out. But our lives have to keep going while you [not "we"] figure out if this relationship is something you want."
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
HBH, that has been my fear too. My H has kept questioning whether we were ever meant to be together and that we (and therefore the kids) would be happier if apart. I struggle with fear that showing I'm just fine will validate that thinking for him. But.... the clingy, needy, desperate behavior I made the mistake of doing after the bomb sure didn't help! So.... it is all that is left to do, and I find that I just keep praying for the strength to keep GALing and detaching and that it will hopefully wake him up rather than validate his distorted thinking. Here is to another day of pulling up every bit of strength I can find in myself from the tip of my toes to face this with a smile and confidence. (whew! this DB stuff is exhuasting!)
Thanks 25 for really being so straight up about this (it was hard to hear some of it, but it is so spot on). I have read DB, but I obviously still have a long way to go to fully understand and implement it. I will definitely re-read it with this new frame of mind.
It's odd though b/c although I took care of him (mothering instinct) his complaint was that I didn't respect him and didn't submit to him (not servant, but in the biblical sense of it - not sure I really understand that fully either) that he said pushed him away. I am learning to be very introspective about my role in the breakdown of our M. Going to listen to that web cast that Michele emailed about, where Emerson Eggerichs is going to talk about how W's can show respect to their H's and H's in turn can show love to their W's. Just trying to learn how I can improve me whether it's w/ H or not.
Wow, everything is just so correct. I could take every section and just say "I agree". Yes, I guess I do fear that my H will be relieved of guilt b/c I've 'moved on". Yes, he is absolutely missing out on some of the greatest momments in our S's life. So many 1sts he has missed. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Thank you for taking your time to make such a thorough reply!
Me 27; H 28; S 2 Togeth 9; M 4 Sep 11/14/08 EA OW1 Sep 08 EA OW2 Mar 09 EA OW3 Jun 10
