Slept with XH, help!!

[cat04]

Aug,

Yes you will hear a ton about focusing on yourself and not working on R.

Here is why…

If this is MLC, this is a long road, not something that you can try some sort of new communication technique, some new clothes, some “date nights” with S, to repair the issues. That might work in a normal situation, but this is MLC and it is NOT normal.

Throughout this process, the LBS will be torn apart, ripped to shreds, your self esteem will hit rock bottom. You will see and hear things that you NEVER in your wildest dreams could have imagined. So you have to get yourself out of that place first and foremost.

Then you have to find a way to maintain your sanity, because otherwise, you will quit, you will give up out of sheer frustration. That isn’t they way to decide that you can’t do it anymore.

So yes, the goal, the motivation, can be, and usually is at least at the beginning, to save the marriage. But it cannot be the only motivation. It cannot be the only goal. And the normal ways one might go about saving a marriage, those things just do not apply here.

This is such a long road. Longer than most people want to believe. Most are not as lucky as J3B or Yellowrose. Most are here much longer that just a few years. And you have to be able to not only endure that, you have to be able to live through it. Eventually, you should actually be able to appreciate it for the gift that it is.

It is ok to come here and vent. But one thing you will notice, is that many of us, who have been here a while, who have done the work, BND before her H came home, Trapt, SoCo, Brooklyn, Mach1, me, we don’t spend a lot of time anymore focusing on what they are doing. We notice, we may report it, may wonder a tiny bit, but then we go on with our lives. Until the next mentionable thing occurs. But we do not get caught up in it. Or we really try not too.

I think BDN and J3B are right. Your moods, the way you post, really does seem to depend on your interactions or lack of interactions with your X. Please don’t take offense to it, but being aware of it is the first step to stopping it.

I did want to say too, that I was not suggesting that you date. Only you can decide if you are ready for that. IMO, you probably aren’t.

[Augtan]

ok, been mia for a few days, just really busy getting S14 off to DC for his 8th grade trip. So much fun!

Cat..i am not dating, my XH just thinks I am, I haven't told him that, but haven't told him I'm not either. It's really none of his business. I really don't get caught up in what he is doing at all, as I have stressed before, it is impossible to do that, he is 700 miles away. But, I am here to vent and see what everyone thinks.

We did IM yesterday and it went really well, he told me he wishes we had never moved away and said he wishes he would have faught harder to make us stay (like fight in court). I told him that I am glad he didn't cause if he wasn't going to come home then it was a losing battle and he would have wasted his money. My family has a lot of money and would have given me all I needed to fight him, whereas he has no money and would have run up a huge bill with a lawyer and still lost. Cause in Georgia if you want to leave with reason you can, and I had tons of reasons. Plus, that would have forced us to hire a private eye which would have been horrible for him since Georgia is a fault state and we would have proved infidelity without a problem. So, anyway...I just ended it with "hang in there, your family isn't as far away as you think". He wanted to know whose house we were going to for Thanksgiving and said he would like to come up for that weekend. I just told him and that was it. Also, just to report, not cause it is any big deal, but the last two nights he has been at the bar and not at OW's house!! He told D10 when they talked. So, who knows. I really don't care if he is with her or not, my kids do care and it would be so much better and easier for them if he wasn't with her. But, I do not get my hopes up, in my mind they are together and happy as clams!! I told him from the beginning not to stay with her just to "save face" with me, that I would never say a word to him like "told you so, told you so" or anything!!

I am just sitting back and doing what I need to do, whatever happens is what God has planned for me. I have given it to God, that is all I can do, oh and work on me in the mean time.

Thanks everyone and hope things are going good for all of you.

A

[Kimmie Lee]

Of course you care whether or not xh is with ow.

[Augtan]

Kimmie Lee---thanks for calling me out!! You are sooo right, I do care, and way too much! I had a huge set back last night, I really am so mad at myself in a way, but then again I'm not. I went off on XH!!

But, here is the thing I keep going back to...why am I doing this to myself after all he has done to me and our kids?? Why do I want a man capable of doing and saying all he has done, lied like I never knew a person could lie, cheat like I never thought someone could cheat, take everything away from us that was ever important in our life, let his kids move 700 miles away with out blinking, continue to have an A with someone who is such a low class wh**e, let our house go to foreclosure making us lose $100,000 of equity, take my perfect credit from me, leave me and my kids to fend for ourselves..I could go on and on!!

Why do I continue to make excuses for his behavior? He is an adult man, not some baby who doesn't know right from wrong, and quite frankly I am sick of the excuse of a MLC, it is not something that gives them the right to do these things and act this way!! I am about sick of it all and feel like why am I the one who has to fight for someone that isn't acting like he is at all worth fighting for?? I know there are millions of men and woman around the world who do this and therefore it is something to be looked at, but come on..at what point to you just say they are selfish people who maybe were always this way but covered it up to try to be "normal" and then couldn't handle it anymore and let out who they really were? At what point to you just say "enough is enough and you have hurt me and my kids for too long!!"

I guess that point is different for many people, but I believe God has a plan for everyone and I feel I am fighting the plan by hanging on to someone He has shown me isn't good enough for me and isn't going to be the man I need him to be. I believe now that there are plenty of men out there who don't do this to their families and who are capable of treating their wives right. This is the kind of man I deserve and I want in my life cause who's to say if my XH came back he wouldn't use this MLC excuse to do it all again to me and my kids!! That would be way, way worse than putting him in the past and getting a new life with a new man who can be mature enough to do and be a real man!! I don't want a new man right now, I am too busy looking at and learning how to be a better me. But, one day I will be ready and I deserve the best, not some half ass man who chooses to do what my XH has done and regardless of anything else..what he did was a choice!! No one held a gun to his head and told him he had to do all he has done. People way, way worse off than my XH overcome childhood crap and don't ruin the lives of their families. I am just done accepting all this as an excuse to do what you want to do and be the most selfish bas**rd on earth because you feel like it. I know people are going to tell me then I don't belong doing DB or whatever, and that is fine. I guess others will say I finally get what DBing is all about...it isn't about your XS at all. Well, I get it all now and I am just done!! Put a fork in me...I am done!! I can take no more from him!! I do get it, it is about me and my kids and only me and my kids now, he will get nothing and nada from me in anyway again. And, I really would like to get revenge (by telling OW I slept with her "boyfriend") for all he did to us and ruin his life and OW's life like they did me and my kids, but I won't cause I have a conscience, something neither one of them have or they couldn't have done what they did and continue to do it. XH told me last night "I thought you wanted to be the bigger person by not saying anything, I thought you were acting like the bigger person!!" Well, HELLO... if you think I am the bigger person why do you want the smaller person.. the OW!! He is just plain nuts and I am sick of it! And, he said "when you do this you just push me closer to her"...well if you are "in love" with her how can I push you closer? Aren't you about as close as you can get?? Everything he says makes no sense!!

A

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Aug,

Sometimes those fights are needed.

And still...

If you said you were going to be the bigger person, then you needed to be. If you threatened not to be the bigger person, then you aren't living up to what you said you would be. MLC or not, I'd call you on it.

And you actually can push someone away with your attitude and actions. If you're going to bounce all over the place like a manic/depressive with a 15 minute switch, how can anyone know how to act around you, least of all your husband, who may or may not be in an MLC.

These things you deserve, do you deserve them simply because you exist? Do you demand them?

I know you're pi$$ed, everyone here gets pi$$ed at what happened to them, but most realize that they also played a part of their marriages going tit$ up.

If your husband has always been a selfish POS, then walk away in good concious, but if this is not the man you fell in love with and married, then something went wrong in his head. But you're not going to stick around to be there when he gets better.

If we deserved to be happy, vegetables would make us fat and candy would make us thin.

[cat04]

Aug,

Yes sometimes these fights are necessary. Sometimes we do have to release our feelings.

However, you are trying to talk yourself into feeling something and doing something that you are not ready for. You are not ready to let him go. It is obvious. But you are also not ready for him to return to you.

Yes you get the principal of DB now. Are you ready to put it into action?

Not for your H, not for your M, but for you?

Are you ready to start BEING that better person and ACTING like that better person?

Are you ready to look in the mirror?

Yes, your H did some horrible things. He did. No arguing that. Guess what, so did mine, so did Jack’s W, BND—her H was really a hard one. We all have our stories. We all have dealt with our feelings about it in our own ways. Ways that helped us, not our marriages.

Do those actions make him a monster? At the moment yes. Underneath that, is the man you married and had children with a monster? Or was he a basically good man who is now going through something? Although I would classify my H as a generally hard man, I would not say he was always the monster he has become through this.

Yes, I too felt the MLC excuse anger and frustration. I would venture to say many of us here have. It isn’t fair, it makes no sense, and yes you are right, many people have dealt with their childhood issues differently than MLC.

Me, I became a mommy to beat all mommies. I have a S15, who, to my credit knows lots of love, has a good and strong mind, and knows how to ask for what he wants and speak about his feelings. To my shame, is still very much reliant on me for things that a child his age should not be. (room cleaning, making his lunch, etc…) That was a direct result of my own fears of abandonment. A direct result of having parents who were lacking in certain areas. So I gave my S what I always wanted.

You can’t force any of this Aug. Within you or within your H. You don’t know what God’s plan is for you, but you can learn. If you slow down and shift your focus a bit.
Everything will start to become very clear if you can do that.

[brandnewday]

So....

What did you do to contribute to the demise of your marriage?

Answer honestly.

We all did something, whether it was being to critical, letting ourselves go, not givng our spouse enough attention, the list goes on.

I did NOT say that it is OK for him to be doing what he is doing, and there is probably nothing that you did to cause a MLC.

BUT....every single one of us refused to see any warning signs, until it was too late and the bomb dropped.

[Andabelle]

MLC is an explanation, not an excuse-- there is no legitimate justification for MLCers bad behavior. Understanding about it helps us deal, though. And strategize.

I get closer to done every day, but I'm still not there. It will be 3 years since bomb for me the first week of Jan. Trust me, you will bounce between grief and rage/wanting him back and being fed up with him for a while yet.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

MLC...real MLC is the shattering of the mind, and everything in it.
You want to call them to task for it...walk in their shoes first.
I'd rather be an LBS any day of the week then go through what any MLCer has.

[brandnewday]

MLC is an explanation, not an excuse-- there is no legitimate justification for MLCers bad behavior

I have to disagree with you, sorry.

Most MLC'ers are not even aware of some of the things that they do to themselves or their family.

This does not mean that we have to immerse ourselves in the drama, but rather set personal boundaries and learn how to emptionally detach.