K4D Rising #4

[TrentC]

I guess I just wanted W to see that I really do understand why things are the way they are.

Keep chasing that squirrel, you'll catch it eventually...

Seriosuly, stop trying to initiate contact when she doesn't want it. All you're showing her is that you haven't learned a damned thing.

[Steve McQueen]

Keep chasing that squirrel, you'll catch it eventually...

or you will get hit by a car....

[JTJ]

Kevin,

Here is a good practical exercise for you:

1) go out and buy a big pumpkin and write Kevin's marriage on it.

2)Review all your post and make a slash for everytime your wife has expressed to you that you were being pushy and controlling and any time you can admit that you were controlling and pushy without her telling you. Total all those times.

3) Find a nice big hammer and write kevin on it.

4) Take that total and hit that pupkin hard with that hammer for every time you've done that.

5) Take a picture when your done and hang it in your bath room mirror.

I think what Gucci did yesterday was perfect. Most abusers and controllers need a shock to the system so to speak to get them on the road to recovery. He saw what we all did. You still were not getting it. So he knew and we all knew what your wife would do. By your last statement above you still don't.

[PMA_Baby!]

But I have to respect what she has asked if I don't want a restraining order put on me.
Kevin

Smartest thing Ive heard you say in months. You are damn lucky you dont have one against you already and that you are still able to spend time with your daughters unsupervised.

Seriously Kevin!?! Are you still going to AA meetings at least once a week? If not then yours days are numbered PERIOD.

I pray that you find the strength to face your demons and STAY CONSISTENT!!!

Enjoy Halloween with your girls. Dont mention their mother. IT's all about you and them PERIOD.

PMA

[K4D]

Controlling! If I stood in front of you and stuck my face an inch from yours and kept telling you how much I changed, over and over again. how would you react. Would you ask me to stop after 5 minutes an hour. What would you do if I didn't stop, I couldn't stop. You need to go dark for your wife's sake.

I guess it is. It always seems to end in go dark. I guess that is what is best.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

What c-bart said. K4, parts of this letter might have been alright if it weren't the 50th time you have written or promised or said something just like it already...which is usually followed by a temper tantrum you throw when your w doesn't see you differently or feel differently about you, based on a week or two of relatively normal behavior on your end.

She can't change the way she feels about you and the way she sees you (which is clearly your goal in saying/writing these things) b/c the changes are not there. This literally is almost verbatim what you said just weeks ago, and also a few months ago, AND very similar to what you said or wrote several months ago. So by repeating yourself this way is bad news. Instead of reflecting change in you, it reveals you to be in the same position with little forward progress.

Instead of writing/talking about how you "get it now" over and over again, just DO and BE what the letter claims you are now. Demonstrate it. And as Gucci (and countless others) said, re: scriptural references and your frequent quotes, please forgive me... but for the love of GOD, leave those out.

You still have no idea what a turn off it is. To me, they come off as remarkably lacking in self awareness. For instance, stating that you are not judging her, whereas you have called her a whore and God knows you've judged her critically for years now and still do on this site...well, it's not helpful to quote scripture with that record. When it's pointed out that you are doing it again, you merely deny that is what you are doing, and you do it again. It's a pattern that won't change I fear. So Leave those references out in your dealings with your wife, and set an example by your actions alone. No words.
As someone said, if you need friends, be one. Reach out to help someone else and not just here on the boards. I wish you'd Do something NOT related to divorce or marriage, Or the bible. Do something that gets you out meeting new people. Learning something new or fun and no excuses about why you can't do that. No more filler time...GAL. Remember that?
And Last but NOT least...how's the c going? Learn anything?

Still going to AA meetings? You know, the 12 steps include some very important growth tools that are incredibly difficult but SO rewarding and productive. [b]The program relates to your life a great deal. For instance, I think it's the 4th step that is taking a fearless moral inventory of ourselves & then making amends to those we've harmed --it is crucial for several reasons. It's what you say you want to do in your letter. [/b] Geez If you had given that program a real chance, and worked the steps, you'd see how much it overlaps with where you are in your life and how you repeat the same mistakes -- just way too often. If you still don't have a sponsor, get one. Open your mind & heart to what has helped many many great wonderful, successful people. Withold the judgments too. Don't want to hear them.

Not drinking is just part of recovery. There's so much more to recovery b/c it is a way of life. And so much richness in life and reward from working the program. You resisted it almost as much as you resist getting professional help. You are just too stuck. No other way to say it. That's what is so frustrating. All the resources are around you but you won't digest and follow through so that some change can happen that's real. Bottom line is The 12 step program is a spiritual program and way of living that strikes me as so applicable to your life's needs.

For example, If you were to actually follow through with the 12 steps, this letter could have been a past list of "to do" actions for you that you'd have completed in action, already. Alas, instead, it's an email your wife won't even accept, let alone read. That fact alone shows how little your words mean to her now. Therefore, focus solely on your own actions. Set examples without talking about them. And get some good c, and stick with it. Follow through. Follow through. That's a true 180 for you.

j-

[25yearsmlc]

What you just posted on someone else's thread, shows that you don't even read what people write to you here. LIterally you don't or you have zero retention.

You ignore what you don't like in the threads the same way you ignore what your wife tells you she wants. Same way you ignore what we say.

How's your "DB" approach working so far?
j-

[JTJ]

Kevin,

Thanks for posting a comment on my thread. Cogratulations on your upcoming confirmation. here is a link with some good prayers that have helped me. http://www.sancta.org/huswives.html
I also mentioned The Divine Mercy Devotion and praying the Rosary Dailey. I encourage you to do that. I've been asking God to heal me and heal me wife and as an act of Charity I pray for others who are in a similiar situation to me.

One thing I left out was I try to make a holy hour every week to two weeks I also try to fit in the stations of the cross.

If you do make it to holy hour what really has helped me is that it is the time to let Christ speak to me. Lot of folks go in there to pray (talk) and not to listen. The only thing I say is "Lord I'm yours i trust in your silence." Allow yourself to be united to the source of all peace.

I didn't start all the above until the bomb. But I credit it for changing me. Do it for three months and see what happens. Lord I trust in you!

Good night. Peace to you.

JJ

[jon2911]

Goodfight, responded on your thread.

How's it going Kevin?

[K4D]

25,

Please explain further out of the goodness of your heart which post you are referring to.

Thank you,

Kevin