Coach, a little clarification would help. Yes. I agree about the texting though. Should I have just had sex with her? What is your angle? You think she is having at a minimum an EA if not PA and kissing/cuddling/being really close with me the past couple days to do a gut check for herself where she feels best? Or it's all fake because I had started detaching and she wanted control? I'm not objective here obviously. It's emotional to have things seem so much better and to analyze it for anything other than what you want/hope it to be, so please do share.
I also realize there are solutions here, it is more the overwhelming amount of people going through these tough times. I do better just not obsessing over the site all day and moving to something else to occupy my mind.
Sidenote: I forgot to mention that she called me 4 or 5 times yesterday and texted me a couple times too. I answered some of them.
Me: 30 W: 29 D: 20 months M: 5 years T: 6.5 years ILYBNILWY and want to separate: 10/5/2009
I also realize there are solutions here, it is more the overwhelming amount of people going through these tough times. I do better just not obsessing over the site all day and moving to something else to occupy my mind
I get that. Staying busy is good.
EA or PA it makes no difference, she will not respond in ways you will understand for a while while her brain is awash in love chemicals. She "feels" all gooey and it isn't for you if she is having anykind of affair.
Are the over abundance of txts to the same person? Time of day?
Next time she feels all amorous you tell her, "Let's stop I don't want to give you the wrong impression." No more back rubs or cuddling while you are "deciding" what to do. You need to find out if she is out of bounds with the texting, if she is then the first thing you need to decide how to put a stop to it. This is very hard to do at first but you will get thru it a better man. I didn't totally believe the concepts here at first but the are proven to work. You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
what do you specifically do that makes you not a good listener and selfish? (ignore her? do the opposite she asks? start arguments?)
around your anniversary you had a couple arguments. it seemed from your text that maybe you were sending her mixed signals. did you feel you may have instigated the arguments or was your wife on edge and looking for any reason to storm out the door?
what does your wife do while you are at work?
if you said to your wife that you were uncomfortable about 'certain things' and would like some peace of mind regarding your marital situation and asked if you could look at the detailed online billing for her cell phone what do you think would transpire?
are there male names that pop up in conversations alot recently? like john like this song, or maybe, marty does this, or I cant stand this about Tom?
Steve, I had sored of ignored her when she talked to me for a long time. Half listening while doing something else but not really paying attention to her and then asking her about stuff she had told me while I wasn't listening. I've been turning that around. I take responsibility.
I was sending mixed signals I think and instigated some things. She had said when things cooled down that "I don't get you, you say you want to work on things and then...".
My wife works as well. She does long days Tues, Thurs and works Sat too and every other Wed. Mon and Fri she is with D2 all day.
If I asked to do that I think she would feel like it is invasion of a privacy boundary. She texts everyone, it's not just one person. She tells me alot of the time who she is texting with. She doesn't talk to everyone on the phone and texts people instead.
Male names that pop up. No....have to run. But no. Nothing new there. I'll update later.
Me: 30 W: 29 D: 20 months M: 5 years T: 6.5 years ILYBNILWY and want to separate: 10/5/2009
Got home late last night from a work trip. I was tired and had a cold. W was cleaning the house when I came home. She had called me and asked her to pick up a soda on my way home and was sorry to ask because she knew I was tired. Whatever, I got the soda.
She gave me a hug when I came home and a kiss. I felt weird and kind of turned away I guess. I unpacked and kind of did my own thing. We chatted for a bit and I went to bed after another awkward hug from her and lame kiss. I just said "weak" and went in the other room. Probably should have avoided her because I wasn't in a very good mood.
This morning was fine. I woke up coughing my brains out and stayed home. I gave D2 a bath while W got ready for work. She pulls a 12 hour day today so I haven't talked to her. This morning was alright. I put D2 in the car and W gave me a hug and kiss goodbye before getting in.
I noticed this AM when she was getting ready that she was fishing for compliments. Saying how her pants were fitting better and she thinks she gained some muscle and lost some fat. Then I noticed she had her bikini line shaved nicely. She told me how skinny I looked and it's crazy how lose the jeans I had on were compared to what they used to be like..I had my shirt off when I was leaning over giving D2 a bath. I think the bikini thing put me in a bad mood. I just sort of faked it until she left and felt weird the rest of the time. I also got paranoid and checked the internet history in which I get this feeling of this one guy she has a EA with still. I saw some screenshots of him IMing her. Nothing but small talk and just a few exchanges. I also checked her phone for just the last day and didn't see anything from him. I sort of got myself amped up and bought a keylogger that is now capturing screenshots every 30 seconds and logging everything. I feel like a scumbag but I need to know what I'm dealing with here. I know it's a double edged sword of the damage of knowing some stuff you'd be better off never knowing, but I want to know. This one guy has a 2 yr old son and a girlfriend who is young. They had gone on a playdate a month ago and she knows him from highschool. He lives about an hour away.
Pending on what pops up how should I handle this? Pretend I know nothing if I see something or confront and admit to basically spying on her....
She said she wanted to go to counseling soon and not put it off any longer. I called today and set a tentative appt for Wed. I'll let her know tonight. She also discusses the future and us going to her family for Thanksgiving and us running a road race together. I'm having trouble reading what is going on and she does have some of those guy friends who are basically the no threat whatsoever type of guys who I've hung out with before, but I just don't know this guy and get this feeling. It's eating away at me. Generally when someone gets a feeling like that, it means something is going on but I'm acting "as if" and have maintained the positive attitude around her and helping out around the house and paying attention to her more enthusiastically when she talks to me....
Anyway, just an update. In a nutshell, after reading all of the EA and PA sitches on this board. I am now not trusting her the way I once did and scrutinizing behavior.
As soon as she gets home tonight I'm leaving to meet my brother and friend for a drink. It's one of those things where I don't even want to go but feel like I have too.
I'm still sick and for some reason I was stressed out and ran 9 miles around lunch time at a pretty fast pace. That was probably stupid and I'll probably feel even worse tomorrow...oh well. I hate how I'm analyzing every little interaction so much. It's tough to just be at peace alot of the time. Anyway, I'm just venting here.....This is the place to do it....not on the W!
Me: 30 W: 29 D: 20 months M: 5 years T: 6.5 years ILYBNILWY and want to separate: 10/5/2009
heres my take. not only are you NOT A GOOD LISTENER but you cant take visual clues either. Your wife is horney. She told you so. She's flirting with you. She wants you. If she didnt she wouldnt be showing you her bikini line.
here's some 180's for you.
1) Listen Closely. 2) you admited, "I'm selfish both in bed..." OK. then this is got to be about HER then. you take care of her. listen read whatever: you take care of her. as long as it takes. she shaved for you. make it worth her while to go through all that for you. you wait your turn until she says, WOW you must be listening to Steve McQueen. 3) then afterwards you talk to her and listen to everything she says and see if she wants a twofer.
secondly, you are sending her mixed signals. examples, you send her flowers, she's all happy, you ignore her; the MC conversation, period; you complain about your sex life a couple days later she comes to lay with you in bed then nothing; you agree "to work on it for real one last time" then she parade around in her underwear and you are thinking about buying a guitar. Dude, I play guitar and I will tell you there are alot better things to do with your fingers.
You have to go one way or the other. You Sway. and btw, that is a great song to play on the guitar.
"Love is the way the say is really strutting out"
I think you have the two year old humdrums. your both working your a$$e$ off, arguing about crap, and should be having another kid. So, Listen to her! she is willing to work on this. learn to read her vibes. HER NEEDS. her complaints seem petty and easily reversed by you. neither of you are moving out so you got to start listening to her and stop arguing.
and third, you got no proof of an affair. I would treat it as you got DB'ed Real Good. Nothing works better at at getting your spouse to turn around then giving them the impression that you are moving on. Facebook. HA! Texting HA! HA! You may be getting bluffed.
So Turn Around. There are alot of 180's you can do with your behavior and interactions with her. do them with Confidence!
p.s. in case i dont read about you again till after halloween, no instigating anything with your wife. enjoy the holiday without bringing up any of you marital concerns. if she does you better listen and validate and work on what she's saying.
I left about 20 minutes after she got home last night. We briefly chatted. I was getting ready. I told her I had made a MC appointment for next week and she said the time worked well. No more R talk besides that and I went out.
Then, get this. I had the keylogger working last night while I went out. I get home from being out last night and fire it up and what do I see. She hacked into my facebook account and was going through my inbox! I was like WTF?! She knows the password. I know she knows even though she told me she forgot and doesn't care to look anyway. I've got nothing to hide. I think I won't even change it or do I for some mystery? She had read a couple messages from these girls I knew in college a long time ago. She saw that we had become friends and I think she got a little paranoid...
Then she told me I was acting funny as usual when I got home. Whatever I'm thinking to myself, because I just figured out you were spying on me and that is not what I expected. So she offered to turn on the end of the yankee game so I could sit with her and watch. I sat for a few minutes and then I said I was tired and went to lay down. She had also asked me what we talked about with my brother and friend. We were planning a stag party and I mentioned that my friends was college roomates with the "man in question" we will call him, and how he mentioned he was a dirtbag with women. Hey, she asked. She got a little defensive saying how she's only seen him twice in the past five years and they were friends. Whatever, I know how guys work....but it was funny that it came up. I just said I didn't really care and that I was just telling her what she asked. End of convo. I'm going to lay down.
This AM she commented how good I looked before I left for work. I had gotten a couple of new things yesterday and was rocking them last night and this AM. I just said thanks. I said bye without going in for a hug and she was like ok bye, I don't get you. Then I went in and said what and we had an awkward hug.
I guess I need to do more of the AS IF thing and Steve I'll follow your advice. I may have over read some of her earlier comments when she was super angry before.
Weekend plans Tonight we couldn't get a sitter so I'm going to stay home. She has to sing with this band at this bar/restaurant. I'll chill home and honestly am fine with it. I think she feels a little guilty but is also playing up the gig and trying for a big turnout. I can see her purposely trying to make me jealous sometimes but I don't bite.
Saturday I'm bringing D2 up to her family's house while she works. Then shooting back down to a parade that she is going to meet us at before we go trick or treating and then to a halloween party.
Sunday We have a Bday party to go to mid-morning. Not sure about anything else.
So, we'll be together for a decent chunk of time this weekend...
Me: 30 W: 29 D: 20 months M: 5 years T: 6.5 years ILYBNILWY and want to separate: 10/5/2009
No babysitter. We'll probably do an early dinner or something before she goes and I'll hang out. I'll let her do her thing without me there and wish her luck.
I'm acting distant I think because I'm conflicted/confused with how much space I should give her. I also think that I'm a little hung up on the EA I suspected her of having and that definitely has shown through. I need to work on that. I feel like we are both giving eachother mixed signals so it makes it hard to read.
She's so stubborn and will generally never admit to being wrong about anything. I'm a little stubborn too. That is one thing I don't like. She also shuts down easily if a conversation isn't going smoothly. It makes it difficult to talk through anything. I think any other dislikes stem from the above.
She just called me and we chatted a bit. She ran 8 miles and I said I was jealous and that I was impressed with her speediness. Asked if her quad felt better because it was hurting before. Asked about a couple of house maintenance things. Also asked if I should bring something home for dinner but she said she would make something. I'm calling her when I leave to let her know what time I'll be home...
That's it. Not much of an update.
Steve, not sure if my answers are too vague. I just have an uneasy feeling around her now. Like I don't know how to act and I don't want to pursue her affection and get shot down I guess. She said I have these short answers and I don't seem like I want to talk to her so she doesn't get it...I guess I am just having a hard time figuring out what she really needs/wants me to do.
Me: 30 W: 29 D: 20 months M: 5 years T: 6.5 years ILYBNILWY and want to separate: 10/5/2009
