Hey GIMA and Kemper...thanks for your suggestions. I find that I have inconsistent detachment...good days and bad days. And these days are as unpredictable as the weather.
Thanks Gardener. I feel much better and I am thinking much clearer. I know I have some rough patches ahead of me. But, it's going to be alright in the end, whatever the "end" is.
This morning, W mentioned she again looked through all of the areas in her room for the engagement ring. She said she was trying not to freak out over it until we turn the house upsdie down looking for it this weekend.
I asked questions very calmly about the last time she saw it. She says it was in the summer wheh she wore it for a dinner party (she went by herself b/c I had to go to my grandfather's funeral out of town). WHAT?! So, she has worn it since the bomb? News to me. And, again, I'm not placing any hope/expectation on this. Just noting it and have to admit I'm pretty surprised. But again, I think it's more likely related to her concern over her appearance v. any sign of love/like for me.
And, I am concerned about not finding the ring. I paid a lot of $$$ for the ring.
Then this morning, I was reminded of Thinker's posts about his sitch with the lost engagement ring. So, the question popped in my head, if we have to make an insurance claim for it, what do we do with the $$$? Guess that depends on where we are at the time. If we are where we are right now (presumably hurtling towards a D), what do you do with the $$$? Pay down debt?
Two days ago, I was 100% convinced W had put the ring away b/c she saw it as a sign of my love for her and/or a symbol of our M. And, I thought she had not worn it at all since the bomb. Wow.
You know, before Tuesday, I would have had hope based on her mentioning she wanted to wear the engagement ring. But now, not to sound callous, it doesn't matter. It might turn out to be a good thing, but it just doesn't turn my head like it used to.
Its as if I don't see myself M'd to her anymore.
This is dead on for where I am too.
I think this is a good thing.
I also think that this is where the WAW's head has been for months. That explains why they act the way the do.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
You know, before Tuesday, I would have had hope based on her mentioning she wanted to wear the engagement ring. But now, not to sound callous, it doesn't matter. It might turn out to be a good thing, but it just doesn't turn my head like it used to.
This morning, W mentioned she again looked through all of the areas in her room for the engagement ring. She said she was trying not to freak out over it until we turn the house upsdie down looking for it this weekend.
We???? Really?????
Don't you have better things to do than try to find a engagement ring for a woman who doesn't want to be married to you? She'll spend time and energy looking for a thing but won't spend time or energy on her marriage. PFFFHHT! It's her problem. Legally, morally or ethically do you have any way to get that ring back for yourself? Her ring = her problem. Validate her problem but let her deal with it. Let her get used to dealing with things on her own. Don't you have a tee time in the morning? Go hit three buckets of balls, go workout, go ..... do something productive for you.
Quote:
I was 100% convinced W had put the ring away b/c she saw it as a sign of my love for her and/or a symbol of our M.
Mind reading falls under the category of cognitive distortion. Don't worry I am still dealing with snakes on the brain.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Her ring, her problem. Don't read into anything about her wearing it or not wearing it, and don't help her find it. I understand the concern about the value of it, but it was a gift to her and when you divide up property it will be in her pile. Don''t spend time time looking for it, don't spend time thinking about why she did/didn't/does/doesn't wear it.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
This morning, W mentioned she again looked through all of the areas in her room for the engagement ring. She said she was trying not to freak out over it until we turn the house upsdie down looking for it this weekend.
We???? Really?????
Don't you have better things to do than try to find a engagement ring for a woman who doesn't want to be married to you? She'll spend time and energy looking for a thing but won't spend time or energy on her marriage. PFFFHHT! It's her problem. Legally, morally or ethically do you have any way to get that ring back for yourself? Her ring = her problem. Validate her problem but let her deal with it. Let her get used to dealing with things on her own. Don't you have a tee time in the morning? Go hit three buckets of balls, go workout, go ..... do something productive for you.
Quote:
I was 100% convinced W had put the ring away b/c she saw it as a sign of my love for her and/or a symbol of our M.
Mind reading falls under the category of cognitive distortion. Don't worry I am still dealing with snakes on the brain.
Cheers
Coach, thanks. She could have said until she turned the house upside down. I could have misspoken on that word.
And I agree, it's her problem, not mine. And, I agree, I was mindreading.
But, regardless of the word she used, her conduct in telling me and voicing her concern seems to show she views it as a "we" problem.
- Ask her why she thinks you should have a interest in finding her ring.
Don't rescue her - it's the wrong dynamic. If she wants help in finding the engagement ring you gave her as a sign of your love for her, let her ask for it like a big girl. You still have a choice in how you respond.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
- Ask her why she thinks you should have a interest in finding her ring.
Don't rescue her - it's the wrong dynamic. If she wants help in finding the engagement ring you gave her as a sign of your love for her, let her ask for it like a big girl. You still have a choice in how you respond.
