Trying to make is Right

[godswill]

I had a long talk with my sister last night, which was something I had not done in so long. She said that there is so much that I have been expectd to just accept and that it is obvious that there is no respect for me from my W. That she will yell at me in ear shot of the children calling me F this and F that. That I do not love them or care for them and can not put them first. Even though I truly do. There are times when I am not there completly emotionally - but I think some of this is typical. I just truly do not know where to go from here. How do I get the respect I need for myself, from her and get my family back. This is so terrible - we go every couple weeks where there is some blow up where she says I am drifting away and she does not want me there and Iam stuck in a hotel praying for a call to let me back in. I look and say this is the worst thing for the kids, but divorce is terrible for them as well - and for my wife because she has no help and is in a SUPER hard situation. How to make it work? I just do not know. I go back and forth and back and forth and struggle with if I am being selfish for trying to hang on - or even talk about the R - etc - should not the entire focus be on the kids and health. The thing is I try to make that happen and it just does not because there will be some blow up at me that I did not see coming -because I was being distant (all the while trying to do things like clean the house, do the laundry, get the groceries and keep down a job). UGH just really frustrated and trying to figure out the best way for things to work out. I just wish there was a plan and some structure - but I know the only way that will happen is with a battle and I just do not want that either. We both want to be happy and to have a happy family - why can't it work out?