Over the Shock and GALing 6

[JTJ]

12-30-08 Thinker starts his thread about his sitch:

Hi All,

As a way of checking in, I thought I would tell my story.

When searching the internet for solutions last week, I found the article on the WAW and realized that this was exactly my situation.

I have been married for 10 years, and have always thought that we had a strong marriage. I felt that I was strong, supportive, loyal, committed - what else could one ask for...

a year ago, my W started acting more and more distant and depressed which I connected with the death of her father. She started attending counseling, and then asked me to attend. I went eagerly, expecting to find ways to help her through this so we could get our marriage back alive. I was shocked when the sessions immediately became a venue for attacking me for being a horrible H. I read some books, made some changes, we stopped going to the counselor, and things quieted down. I though we had gotten past it.

Then 2 months ago, I found evidence of a strong emotional affair with at a minimum heavy flirting (W claims that is all) and confronted her. This immediately resulted in ILYBNILWY and "I never really loved you" and "Our R has never been good and can never be good" , etc. - all old news to the people here, but a total shock to me.

Now after a lot of introspection, I realize that much of this rests on me. I was a workaholic for years. I did not make a big deal of birthdays. I am a habitual fixer - trying to fix any problem she talked to me about - rather than just listening. Recently I focused 100% on work and home, and have let myself go just as she has found new self confidence. She has always been a beautiful, outgoing free spirit and in many ways I relied on her to carry the relationship. I haven't been to the gym (work and kids are a great excuse), I haven't bought myself new clothes(feeling I needed to save $). I haven't been out with friends (feeling my responsibilities were at home)etc.

When my wife began recently having an active social life that was separate from me (out with girlfriends) and really improving herself (getting in shape, new wardrobe, etc) I was not supportive and became critical of the expense and time away from me and kids. She saw this as me being controlling and incapable of enjoying life.

So in short realize (now) that I have become unattractive to her. When she dropped the bomb, I immediately went into 100% pursuit mode - sending her fleeing the opposite direction. Now, after reading DB, I realize where I am and am starting to make changes.

We are still living together and sleeping together (no sex, just same bed), and have restarted counseling. She is still unsure and is still very distant. She reacts negatively to any pressure from me, but I do see small positive signs. She also interprets my reading books on improving the M as pressure - hard to hide since we live together in a small house.

Since my sin for so many years was to be absent and unattentive, I am reluctant to go completely away from pursuit mode, as I am afraid that she will interpret this as proof that she was right all along. I am trying walk a tightrope between being in pursuit mode, while still being warm, attentive, and present. I am finding this to be very difficult, since the more time I spend with her the more love I feel for her, and the more her rejection hurts. I have been ambushed by my emotions on more than one occasion.

Thanks for any advice you may have. I am glad to have found this forum and am looking forward to participating.
_________________________
Me 41, W 38, S7, S5, S1
M 11y, EA & ILYBNILWY 11/08
Fighting my way out of Limboland

My Sitch

Strength and Compassion - not Resentment
She's in Pain Too!

Thinker,

I went back and read your very first post about your sitch. I'm sorry you and your wife have arrived where you are today. You and her have lived this way for a long time and I hope you can both heal from this. God Bless and I'm praying for you.

No one wants to Divorce, No one wants to be in Limbo, No one wants to be controlled, No one wants to be unhappy. If thats not what we want why don't we get what we want when we want it?

JJ
Empathy and Compassion pass it on.