Since Retrou more than a month)and my husband telling me that the marriage is over hold no hope, things were strangely better. I stopped working on my marriage and jsut worked on me and no R talk happened and we were physically and emotionally in a better place than we'd been in a long time. NOT anywhere near a healthy, moderately happy marriage but better than before.
Then out of nowwhere, on Wednesday, he says out of the blue, during a mundane convo, "I am in the house because I can’t afford to move and I still wants a D”. My response was “and why do you want the D?” He said “Cuz Im not happy”. My response was “Have you considered the fact that the marriage isn’t whats making you unhappy but, perhaps, internal issues such as ADHD/depression are making you unhappy”. He said “Yes, I have considered that”. I asked what the next steps where and he said that he didn’t have any plan to leave due to finances and he felt that it was best for all of us if he stayed to help financially until all debts were paid off and he could leave when he was financially ready. I said nothing more, went upstairs, he came upstairs, climbed into bed and pleasantly chatted with me until he went to sleep.
How do I deal with this? I cannot move out of the bedroom. My 4 year old was so freaked out that we were sleeping in different bedrooms that it was painful for both of us to watch her so sad and unhappy. We live in the same house, eat meals together, do things together…but, ultimately, he’s just waiting to divorce me. I mean, how to I mentally deal with that. All this time I have working hard on me, my issues, my part in the breakdown of everything, therapy, getting my own life, interests and detaching. Where do I go from here? I mean, if you want to leave me…LEAVE. Don’t stay and stay and once I work my *ss off to get our debts paid off, THEN you’ll leave? I have a 2 year plan for the debt repayment and I am the one with full responsibility for that. He simply can’t handle the finances. Heck, this past week he didn't even give me the full part of his budget deposit so I was left to find the other $100 that needed to go to mortgage payment. He said he overspent and doesn’t have it…which I can’t prove because I have no access to any of his accounts. UGH…advice please…just a little lost and frankly very sad today. Trying to stay positive but it’s getting hard. I'm finding it sooo difficult to set boundries with a man that is so very much in my life, in my home and emeshed in our finances. I really do appreciate that he feels the sense of responsibility to us financially and, for him, that a BIG deal. I also feel that I need him to understand that he can't just "use" me to get to a better financial place and then leave. That's very, very wrong. The issue is though, that i will be financially broken if he does leave. All debt is in my name and if he walks away, my credit and everything I've work for will be lost. This is just so hard and I love him so much.
The hope that he will get the help he really needs is just a dream of mine and I am almost certain that he won't. As far as our daughter goes, I'm really trying to do the best I can for her not to feel any of this but I know she is. She is 4 but I know that even though we are amicable, we aren't modeling a loving, healthy relationship for her.
I posted this also on the Piecing thread to get others opinions and someone said that "time was on my side". I can show him how wonderful I am and stuff. I agree to a certain extent.
This is just sooooo hard. There are times when my strength is unwaivering and then something like this happens and I'm just slain. Because the bottom line is that I feel, as a parent, my childs happiness comes before mine. I know that I'm probably going to get blasted for that comment but that's how I see it. She didn't ask for ANY of this. SHE will be the one who ultimately pays. When I WAW in May it took me a month to see what I was doing to her and came back ready to do whatever it took. But I'm lightyears away in emotional work than he is. Also, with his mental issues, it's really hard for him to see past himself which you have to do if you are a parent.
So, I've been licking my wounds for a few days but I'm feeling a bit stronger to go back into the battle. I went out with the girls last night and I'm going to my CoDA meeting tonight and Saturday we'll take the girl out for Halloween. Hopefully, all that will sort of take the "sting" out of this week and set me up for the rest of the fight.
I did go in and change some of our finances around so that I'm protecting our money and he will have access to nothing that isn't his. I want to set a boundry for him that 740, every two weeks HAS to be direct deposited from his paycheck into our account for mortgage. No questions...it has to be assured to be there. This way he can't overspend and then short change the household fund. Also, we will not bale his personal account out with household funds....not ever again. If you don't want me to be like your mother, you need to start acting like a responsible adult. I know that's going to be a VERY charged, hard conversation though so I'm very scared to have it and I'm pissed at myself for being so scared to have it. This is the stuff that I need to work on BIG TIME.
Thanks for listening ...both of you...and being concerned and caring. I really, really appreciate it.
Gina B
M 43 H 34 D 4 H asked for D on 6/21/09:1st D mediation 7/27;D says he wants to try 8/18; *I will stumble, I will fall down but I will not be moved.(N.Grant)
