#66 Looking for Susnhine...

[AliSuddenly]

Hi K! I've been reading along, from my sick bed but I am ok now.. so, wow, I feel where you are at, to some respects...perhaps that little creeping feeling of.. is this what I waited 2 years for? If thats how to sum it up. It falls short of the romantic ideal hey. I still think there is alot of hope here though, as for me.

As for your H.. thats pretty much what my bf is like (NOW, so your H has skipped a stage!!). He grimaces and glowers now if I mention ow or the past. He no longer wants to discuss it at all. I asked him why not and he said.. because its done, over, for me.. I've moved on. So I understand what your H is saying to you. He was already busy for months trying to let go, or get rid of her before he came back even. Once he'd got past that, it was already in the past, just as we start finding out the details.

I like what someone said here (?) explain to him you understand its over and done for him, but you are playing catch up and its still all new for you, but if he helps you through that, it will be done for you too and probably quicker than 'papering over the cracks' and leaving the unanswered questions to fester?

I like what Didi said very much and sounds like how I felt. I ended up asking questions and bringing up the past during especially good times (must be a textbook reaction!) which upset bf greatly and he couldnt understand why I would 'ruin' these wonderful new times together by doing that. I had to stop that.

My bf is still suffering dreadful guilt and I realised I HAD to lay off him, if I wanted to stay in an R with him. Theres a balance between putting him through all that, opening wounds, asking direct questions increasing his guilt and bad feelings but thereby alleviating your anxieties/hurt/fears and getting some relief. Its a seesaw, hence the one hour rule I guess, you gain a bit, they lose a bit, then you stop and make a nice day together and then be sure to not mention it again that day. Me and bf certainly stuck to that and he would joke "your hour is up!".

But, I agree with Didi and what your H has said...they cant believe they threw over their partner and R for ow, it wasnt for love, it was partly to do with their frame of mind and how the R with the ow then made THEM feel. Theres nothing we could have done, or did. They werent happy and they handled it badly (very badly!!) and people do hurtful things to the ones they love. I did get some answers, but lately his answer is always "I dont know why I did x.. I cant explain.. I can remember the events but not how I felt.. I just felt crazy". Like Didis H, he feels ashamed and embarressed for the path he went down and is just relieved to have found his way back, as I am sure your H is. You have to work out if those facts alone are enough and you want to stay with him and let go of the hurt. I have poured so much love as salve onto this situation since he came back and if I hadnt, we would have ended up cautious and resentful of one another, I am sure.

I dont suppose this helps.. I am not sure couples counselling would help either (we are in pretty rarified circumstances and like you say, who is best equipped to deal with that !? We are).. maybe consider seeing your own C though, to have somewhere to vent and deal with yourself? As long as they are supportive of your decision to take H back and dont see it as somehow unhealthy.

As for NEVER again as Bill says, I'm not even really expecting that, not in a whole lifetime...Never say never, but as long as it was very minor and a long long way off, I could handle it. If he left again though, I wouldnt take him back next time, no way. That much I have decided.

Missed you! xxx