Partner left after 9 yrs - 18months on, reunited !

[AliSuddenly]

Hi everyone, thanks for all your good wishes, I am on the mend now! Rob you are right, its not THAT bad, not as bad as regular proper flu. It felt like instant bronchitis and makes your lungs ache and ribcage feel bruised, so I can imagine how those who are weaker, with lung/breathing problems could get quite ill. BUT.. I felt worse last year with that bronchitis and tonsilitis together so you certainly dont feel like you're dying! Rob, Bobbi, I hope both your kids are ok??

So, I read last week a sentence on Micheal Lutins daily that gave me a sense of foreboding. He said Chiron goes forwards again next week. This represents our 'wounds' - our inner hurt and demons and source of pain and suffering. With it going direct, all should be well, but, as he said "...have you ever looked into the eyes of a clown?".

Theres that theory that clowns (and stand up comedians) are really terrible depressives who are laughing on the outside and dying inside. BF always said to him I knew him better than anyone and summed him up correctly as having "the tears of a clown".

So Chiron went direct just as he confessed (with some prodding from me).. that he IS depressed again, feels negative, discontented etc, but doesnt know why, like he hasnt his whole life, but that its NOT to do with me. What a difference to this time 2 years ago, when he got angry when I suggested he was depressed and it wasnt the R..In fact he thanked me last night for being "his greatest advisor and biggest supporter and thats one of the many reasons I love you so much". He asked for help and finally got the EAP phone number from work (but "couldnt face" ringing it last night, ditto making a doctors appointment). I told him to buy brazil nuts and googled it and discovered selenium works for depression. He was snuggly and quiet last night. He still shows no interest in ML (besides the flu). His mouth is downturned, he cant make decisions and he cant deak with the littlest stressful things which are part of life (letters from the bank etc), so I have to.

My chiron direct coincided with a little voice in my head finally forming a sentence... "I'm not sure I can stay with you for the rest of my life if this is what its going to be like". It got so strong I was afraid I would blurt it out to him. In a moment of clarity I realised this is what it was like for him, back in 2004-2007, dealing with me getting ill alot and being negative and no fun for 2 1/2 years. Its taken me a few months to feel the effects, but he is slower than me to process things. I suddenly felt in his shoes and how he could have felt so fed up, 'snapped' and got to the point of saying to me, as he did at the bomb "I'm not sure we have a future together anymore". Like him leading up to that, I now darent voice any dissatisfaction with him or our R, as he is not well and its not his fault and it would only make him worse.

I suddenly feel like what he said back then wasnt such a wicked thing afterall but a matter of survival of the self. I have noticed I am getting effected - life is a bit depressing living with a depressed person.

This time around though, he is being more honest and he did buy the nuts and says he will make the appointment today and I am not so negative as him, so as Kalni is still saying (hi K!).. "we'll see".