Detachment

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks for all the great posts. I think so many of us stuggle with the idea of detachment. Sometimes my "mothering instinct" gets in the way of this and I just care too much about how H is feeling (my emotions say "By detaching, my H will think I don't care").

Great honesty here. But You overestimate this possibility and its' negative impact. For instance, think it out. If you really detach the way we mean (& please read up on what we're discussing b/c it's in the DB books and here on this site in depth examples and descriptions)...but if you do it right, your h will NOT think you don't care. He'll see a happy person with things to bring to the table...someone who offers something. Not just needs from him. And if he somehow decided you don't care, THEN WHAT? You think he'll disappear? Never to try and say his feelings or see his child again? No, your real fear is that he'll use your apparent independence or indifference to relieve his guilt and say "oh good, she's over me so I don't have to worry or feel bad" and you know, that could happen at first. It may be tempting to him, at first. But 2 things to consider...1) at some point he's going to second guess himself and his choices...why? B/c if you are such a bad catch and you are such a lousy fit, and he's such a good one, why are YOU alright now? How'd you detach and move on? Hmm?? How come you are upbeat and moving along and seem content and have an active life GAL- and have friends and interests other than him? Oh, b/c you are a great catch, that's why. And he'll have to see you at some point b/c of the child and the diff he sees in you will be more noticable with limited contacts...bigger changes...etc. And 2) your options are limited anyhow. What choice do you have? Is the needy clingy approach working? Think on this....Did he leave you b/c you never showed you cared about him? Now that's a fair question. But I doubt it's true b/c you self describe as "motherly" and I'm thinking on his end maybe...smotherly maybe or he feels too much responsibility "suddenly all grown up with a kid now and what happened to my youth? blah blah blah", but in some cases if you had been unloving, and unexpressive and cold, the 180 would require you NOT to detach at all. But your sitch doesn't sound like that at all to me. Not at all.

I think you fear you'll be letting him off the hook or making it easier for him to cop out and stay away saying she doesn't care so I don't have to feel bad or come back..see??? ...and it only seems that way on the surface. B/C while it may be easier for him to see you upbeat rather than sobbing, do you really want his pity? Guess what? I don't think Guilt has ever worked at keeping a WAS home for long. with men, guilt seems to push them far away. Sure have not heard of a single time that guilt got a man home to stay...


For all who have successfully detached (I am still on the beginning of this detachment journey), how do you make sure to let your spouse know that you still care but still move on with your own life?

You don't worry about making sure he knows you still care (no matter what he does or how he treats you?) or that he knows how you feel....you focus on yourself and you let him wonder. He knows that you love him and you want him back. At some level you know he knows this.
Just to be clear, did you read the DB books? Assuming yes...detachment-
You are not being rude or truly indifferent. You will answer his questions as upbeat as possible and IF you feel compelled, ask him about his work or family or hobbies. Don't probe about his emotions= R talk...No asking him "how he's feeling today" unless you think he was sick. Don't pursue. Be a friend who's enjoyable and exerts no pressure to be around. Per my db coach, Applaud loudly for the 1% of what he does that is positive and listen like a friend (my db coach said "listen like a lover" but sometimes that's too much to ask!). But you must listen in a supportive way when he mentions work problems or his dreams and validate, etc. You do NOT do this if he's discussing OW or overly revising the marriage history..but for other safe stuff, validate and applaud what he does that is positive. THANK him for playing with the child or cleaning, etc. It's tough when all he's doing is a tenth of what you think is fair --we get it---it's super tough but for now simply show that you are a woman with a lot to offer a deserving man and someone he does not want to lose. As for his odd choices lately, You were hurt but you are resigned and accepting what he has done or said as for your sitch. If he has left the home, um that's a sign that he does not want to live with you now. That hurts. But don't bring it up. He knows it sucks and he has hurt you. He knows this. Took my h years before i thought he really got it even though he'd say he was sorry blah blah blah until this past summer I never really saw the grief or remorse he felt...he didn't feel safe enough around me to show it MAYBE....Who knows? Who cares? He gets it now and "now is all we have".... Don't worry so much about HIM thinking YOU don't care. Let him wonder about your assessment of HIM and how he treats you instead.
YOU MUST SEE THAT THE REAL LOSS IS HIS, NOT YOURS...or at least that the truth is, your loss is much less than his and this is true.
Keep the road home, paved and smooth. You do this by showing him that you are not miserable nor would life together be miserable. He has to think things could be different for him to come back or else why come back? Hence the 180's.... If you were to only show him your pain, it becomes impossible for him to imagine a happy life with you. Too much for him to overcome, or to do to earn his way back in.

As for YOUR life, you are looking forward to it! If he wants back in down the road, he'll have to make some choices and do some hard work. He's not doing that today so you are moving along....and if he does want back into the M, you know You cannot take him back without some definitive action on his end anyhow, right? I'm not talking about punitive stuff here. But some signs of real commitment. If that time and event comes, and or you think it is but you are not sure, then I'd suggest either mc or better yet, attending Retrovaille. We attended Retrovaille last summer, although we were already reconciled and in "piecing". We knew we needed some newer tools for our marriage at this phase, plus my mil is terminally ill so I wanted to know we were fully reconnected facing a new terrible challenge that is external to a M, but can get inside it and become a M problem, not to mention poss depression of h at some point. We needed a reminder or a "booster" shot of sorts. It worked. I could say more but that's getting ahead of ourselves, which is also a problem for your sitch. You are sort of borrowing trouble by wondering about problems with detaching. The alternative to detachment is much worse and so are its' byproducts. Stay in the now.

When to detach? Also, is detaching you try after you first exhaust the other DB techniques (it seems like it would be hard to implement those techniques with distance and doing your own thing)? Or am I just completely missing the mark on this whole detaching thing?

You are not missing the whole point but detaching is something you do to save your life/mind/heart and goes along with the 180's. (Again if your sitch was about you not demonstrating love, I'd say you have other things to do as well). Detachment is about you not letting his weather pattern get into your personal climate. Make sense? Show him what a catch you are, how lucky he was to get you in the first place (what were you like when you were dating? Why'd he take so long to propose? Was it you that stalled & Him that pursued? ) and that with some hard work he'd be rewarded with a lifetime of loving laughter, warmth and the gift of being around this special little person the two of you made together.

Most men who want a reconciliation will send out feelers that are clear enough. If not, well, then it's probably not worth it as they're not being brave enough to be accountable, so they aren't likely to keep their vows again. I mean if they have an OW and then they want to come back home, they need to own enough of their "crap" to assure you that you won't be in the same sitch next year. They also have to know you won't hold it over their heads the rest of their lives either. Hence my motto about forgiveness.

In most ways you are lucky your child is so young. The more fun h has with the child, the better. (No bad memories for him to overcome or repair his damaged r with her. Yes he's losing precious time but so are soldiers and guys with long work hours who's babies sleep when they're home the 1st year or two). They still get close to their kids. My h is doing some repair work with our d20 and that is just how it is. Remember, your h is the one 'missing the boat' by being gone from home. Too bad for him. Even if you think he's partying every night...that ain't "the boat"...you and the little one are where the real action in life is...make sense? Believe it yourself and it'll show to your h. Contrast the negative images he is creating internally, to justify his choices, with positive images. If he feels 'confined' and has "lost all his freedom"blah blah blah give him some space and is even more of a reason for you to detach and back off.

I'm rattling on and it's late...so
Read up on detachment and do it asap to have a life so you can GAL...no more temperature taking of his "micro-climate"...why does his rain cloud OR his sunny day affect your day at the beach? Don't let it.

Don't let him think he can treat you any way he wants/needs/forgets/just does, AND that you'll still care the same way. Why? That ain't unconditional love...if he hits you are you going to feel the same way? what if he says he loves you while he's hitting you? Overly dramatic perhaps but the point is still valid...

Over time, It is not healthy to love someone who doesn't love you back or respect you. That is NOT unconditional love; it's being a doormat AND OR being a victim and staying stuck in crazy patterns refusing to change b/c the unknown is somehow more frightening. HOWEVER, love is a choice. Someday he may want to be fully married and committed and in a health way, to you. At that point, you can make a choice. Don't worry that you won't be able to love him again by detaching now, if it's the right thing to do. Somehow, when it's right and we want it, we can and do choose to love again. Don't buy into "falling in love" as if we are 14 y/o again. I choose to love my h every day even when I don't "feel like it' and even when he's grumpy and needs a shower. Get it?

So for you now, it's just sunny days where you are... Forgiveness and detachment & moving on are linked and mandatory for YOUR HAPPINESS....Make your life more about doing, and less about wondering/obsessing about what you have NO control over anyway..."what's he doing/feeling blah blah blah?"

Live your life & Let him go. It increases the chance of a recon, ironically, but it is not the point of it. Being happy is the point. If he doesn't come back, you'll have healed that much sooner and Your healing & detachment will NOT keep him away. Good luck!

((( hugs )))
j-