For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[bluerain]

Hi Courtney, I had the same feelings! I could have a man like that, rather than one who acts like my STBXH did!

And no, I wouldnt tell him anything. Or maybe just that you have started to realize that you have an excellent future, dont even mention him! Hell get the hint! You demonstrate that you wont stand for his crap, well, by not standing for it! If he asks if you want to %^&@# and you dont think that its the right thing to do, tell him so, tell him that you dont feel right about it when your M is falling apart. After all, how does ML make you feel later? It made me feel awful to know that it meant nothing to him.

I think that the schedule for DD is a good place to start, and its great that hes respecting it. Maybe he is starting to listen, but now you have the opportunity to decide what kind of M (and future) you want to have, and go for it, and if he is cool enough to buck up and be a H instead of an irresponsible teenage boy in a 33 y/o body then great! If hes not, well then you get to decide whats next!

So I would just keep up with the GALing and maybe even stop all communication that isnt strictly about your daughter. I would pull out the books and get a little refresher!

[LuLu]

If you still want to try to make this work, you're going to have to have patience. Time, time, time. Stinks doesn't it? You've only been at this for a month and you are already noticing changes. Your sitch didn't happen overnight, unfortunately it's going to take a bit of time to come out of it.

I second Bluerain Re-read the DR.

By the way, people also thought we had a perfect marriage and my girlfriends thought I had such a great H. Boy were they shocked when all of this happened! Things aren't always what they seem at face value. Who knows, maybe her dh was trying hard to get himself out of the doghouse. Just sayin'.

[courts0818]

bluerain,
You are right...it's back to not telling him anything unless it has to do with our DD. I was doing so good at that, but the whole NY thing kinda got me off track. I found myself engaging in a little too much converation with him - no talks about the R, but still I probably seemed too interested in him. As for the sex thing - it didn't happen the night before I left. He's asked a few times lately and I've turned him down. Why in the world he thinks I would want to after his behevior is a mystery to me.

That's the question...will he ever snap out of his fog and stop acting like the cowardly lion? Will he ever actually believe there is hope for us? Will he get it out of his insane, fat head that positive changes can happen in a marriage? Who knows...but like you suggested...back to GAL and focusing on me and taking another looksie at DR.

I know...I know...patience and time. I just get so caught up in the fact that his bs has been going on for so flipping long! The problem is that I only recently started dealing with it better and now I want immediate results cause the sucker has had long enough!

BFF's H wasn't trying get out of the doghouse - he does super thoughtful things like that all the time. But, they do bicker way toooooo much. Funny how my H and I didn't bicker or argue much. I just nagged too much and when there was an issue we chose not to sit down like 2 educated, civilized, mature adults and work through it. Instead we ignored it and let resentment build...so unhealthy. We never learned how to fight, communicate and resolve things.

[sam_oc]

I just nagged too much and when there was an issue we chose not to sit down like 2 educated, civilized, mature adults and work through it. Instead we ignored it and let resentment build...so unhealthy. We never learned how to fight, communicate and resolve things.

Hi Courtney, I'm new here. My WAW left 7/18/09 that devastated me. Our problems, in a nutshell, was what you posted--we didn't learn to communicate. The more I didn't acknowledge my wife's feelings, the more she nagged me. The more she nagged me, the more I didn't acknowledge. The vicious cyle continued to spiral downhill until she got fed up and left.

I too can share your feelings about how someone you love can and knowingly hurt your tremendously. Was their hurt resulting from my actions that tramatic that now they need to look out only for their self-interest OR are they seeking revenge by making you hurt, too?!

[bluerain]

Courtney, do you feel like you have learned better communication now? I think that its very common for people to come out of these situations much better equipped to deal with communication and to have really learned a lot. Ive even heard some people say that they dont regret that this happened, because they would have never become a better spouse if it hadn't.

Im at a point where I can't get my D over with soon enough, but I absolutely feel like I have come out of it ready to have a much more successful relationship next time... And one thing that I noticed when I saw my STBXH again, I realized that I really didnt like him very much anymore! Hes kind of lame!

He will come out of his fog, and he will see exactly what he has done, but where are you going to be when that happens? Theres no guarantee it will happen anytime soon. So your right, patience and time, and now that you have changed your behavior, are you willing to set a new time line? Maybe now you can give him 3 months or something like that? If your not, I dont think that anyone would judge you, this is your M and your choice!

[Gardener]

Court, Sounds like a great trip, this was a wonderful post to read and this:

Am I perfect - NO! Are there changes I have to make - YES! Should I have a man in my life who loves me, respects me, wants to hug me, kiss me, and spend his time with me - YES!

you should put on you fridge or bedroom mirror for those days when the roller coaster heads back down...and read it out loud. Court's Mantra!

[courts0818]

Good stuff, guys. Thanks for your posts. I'll respond tomorrow. I'm off to bed - spent too much time on FB chatting with the girls I was in NY with. : ) But it's good, I'm feeling happy!

Just a quick question cause I might need to bring it up tomorrow with my H. I'm not sure what to do about carving pumpkins and trick-or-treating. Do I invite him? The truth is...it doesn't really matter to me. He didn't come with us last year and I was devastated, but this year I'm fine if he doesn't join us. I have a friend coming over with her 2 little boys and I'll have fun without him.

But...for my DD's sake, I thought about possibly asking him to carve pumpkins with us on Fri. night and trick-or-treat on Sat. night. Will this come off as pursuing him? Cause if so, I don't want to do it. I want him there for the experience and the memory for our DD, not for me.

How can I include him without pursuing? Is it possible? Should I just wait to see if he brings it up? What are the rest of you doing?

[Gardener]

I'd wait to see what he does or asks to do on his own. He's her father; he know what day it is.

If he complains about not being asked you could always say, "You're her father. You don't need 'to be asked'." or "Well, you didn't want to join us last year so I figured if you did this year you would; if you didn't, you wouldn't."

It's understandable that you want him there for the experience and the memory of DD. But you cannot affect or control the ideal situation: That he wants to be there for the experience and the memory of DD.

FWIW, IMO, my $.02, etc.

[bluerain]

I agree with gardener, the best thing to do would be wait to see if he brings it up.
But...
If you really want him there, then ask if hes interested, if you dont want to come off as pursuing, then dont pursue. He can come over and spend time with DD while you are detached, and calm around him. You are likely going to have this type of occassion in the future if you do end up D'ing, so learning to deal with it now might not be a bad thing. Or it could be a chance to show off to him...

[courts0818]

I know I have other posts to respond to and I will. Just wanted to vent: ...Just found out H is not gonna be around for trick-or-treating tonight and I'm PISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so tired of his selfishness. He makes my blood boil. He dropped off candy for the kids tonight and when he put DD down for a nap I heard him say, "Have fun trick-or-treating tonight."

And I really don't care if I was "supposed" to or not, but I asked him if he was sticking around tonight and he said, "nope. got things do." Are you freaking kidding me????????

What could ever be more important that your child?

IDK why I'm so upset bc the s.o.b. did the same thing last year. It makes me so angry bc my DD and I deserve better. What kind of father does this sort of thing - just totally blows his kid off?

And if he has the nerve to text me and ask me to send pictures of her in her costume (like he did last year), I will go off!

I'm about to snap on him! For real!

Sorry, I'm not a psycho cucoo...I'm just so over him and his crap! FED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To everyone else - Happy Halloween! I hope you have a great time with your families tonight. : )