Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Looking_For_Help]

Thinker,

Is this what you really want?

-LFH

[JTJ]

12-30-08 Thinker starts his thread about his sitch:

Hi All,

As a way of checking in, I thought I would tell my story.

When searching the internet for solutions last week, I found the article on the WAW and realized that this was exactly my situation.

I have been married for 10 years, and have always thought that we had a strong marriage. I felt that I was strong, supportive, loyal, committed - what else could one ask for...

a year ago, my W started acting more and more distant and depressed which I connected with the death of her father. She started attending counseling, and then asked me to attend. I went eagerly, expecting to find ways to help her through this so we could get our marriage back alive. I was shocked when the sessions immediately became a venue for attacking me for being a horrible H. I read some books, made some changes, we stopped going to the counselor, and things quieted down. I though we had gotten past it.

Then 2 months ago, I found evidence of a strong emotional affair with at a minimum heavy flirting (W claims that is all) and confronted her. This immediately resulted in ILYBNILWY and "I never really loved you" and "Our R has never been good and can never be good" , etc. - all old news to the people here, but a total shock to me.

Now after a lot of introspection, I realize that much of this rests on me. I was a workaholic for years. I did not make a big deal of birthdays. I am a habitual fixer - trying to fix any problem she talked to me about - rather than just listening. Recently I focused 100% on work and home, and have let myself go just as she has found new self confidence. She has always been a beautiful, outgoing free spirit and in many ways I relied on her to carry the relationship. I haven't been to the gym (work and kids are a great excuse), I haven't bought myself new clothes(feeling I needed to save $). I haven't been out with friends (feeling my responsibilities were at home)etc.

When my wife began recently having an active social life that was separate from me (out with girlfriends) and really improving herself (getting in shape, new wardrobe, etc) I was not supportive and became critical of the expense and time away from me and kids. She saw this as me being controlling and incapable of enjoying life.

So in short realize (now) that I have become unattractive to her. When she dropped the bomb, I immediately went into 100% pursuit mode - sending her fleeing the opposite direction. Now, after reading DB, I realize where I am and am starting to make changes.

We are still living together and sleeping together (no sex, just same bed), and have restarted counseling. She is still unsure and is still very distant. She reacts negatively to any pressure from me, but I do see small positive signs. She also interprets my reading books on improving the M as pressure - hard to hide since we live together in a small house.

Since my sin for so many years was to be absent and unattentive, I am reluctant to go completely away from pursuit mode, as I am afraid that she will interpret this as proof that she was right all along. I am trying walk a tightrope between being in pursuit mode, while still being warm, attentive, and present. I am finding this to be very difficult, since the more time I spend with her the more love I feel for her, and the more her rejection hurts. I have been ambushed by my emotions on more than one occasion.

Thanks for any advice you may have. I am glad to have found this forum and am looking forward to participating.
_________________________
Me 41, W 38, S7, S5, S1
M 11y, EA & ILYBNILWY 11/08
Fighting my way out of Limboland

My Sitch

Strength and Compassion - not Resentment
She's in Pain Too!

Thinker,

I went back and read your very first post about your sitch. I'm sorry you and your wife have arrived where you are today. You and her have lived this way for a long time and I hope you can both heal from this. God Bless and I'm praying for you.

No one wants to Divorce, No one wants to be in Limbo, No one wants to be controlled, No one wants to be unhappy. If thats not what we want why don't we get what we want when we want it?

JJ
Empathy and Compassion pass it on.

[godswill]

Thinker - I have been reading you sitch and can really feel your what you are going through. You are a kind and loving man who is trying to do what is best for your family and yourself. I have not arrived at the point you have, but I bounce around the thought often. I pray for you and your family.

[Thinker]

@JTJ: Thanks for going back and reposting that. Reading it again makes me realize how little has changed in my sitch. I know I have learned a lot, and grown a lot, and am still doing both. I am also pretty sure that the EA (Which I didn't realize the extent of at the time of my first post) is gone. But other than that, much of what I said in that first post I would still say now.

@Looking_for_help: Is this what I want? I got bludgeoned by a C with this very question last week.

Is this what I want? No. What I want is to have my w do a 180, commit to the marriage, and agree to look within herself and work on the m. Better yet, how about if she...

But...is that a realistic possibility? 11 months says no.

So I have to accept that I am already D'd. At a minimum, I have been emotionally and psychologically divorced by my w for some time. This, combined with our living situation (same house, same bed) leads to a situation that is emotionally painful for me, and which is leading nowhere but to a future legal divorce.

So, constricting my choices to the realm of realistic possibilities, I see only 2:

Option 1: Continue to live in the status quot for as long as possible, enduring and hoping that things will change. I think this is a cheeseless tunnel.

Option 2: Move ahead and push for a D myself. Yes, this may in itself hold the possibility of a positive change and reconciliation, but I can't do it for that reason. I have to embrace the likelihood that this will result in my being D'd. I can handle it, and it will result in a healthier me.

I choose option 2.

----
Journaling a bit:

On Thursday, I told my W I wanted a D. It was a calm, quiet discussion. I told her that I had finally heard her, and finally understood what she had been saying when she said she saw no chance of her ever loving me again. I said that I understood, but that it was not healthy for me to remain in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable to me. She started to protest this, but quickly agreed when I told her what I would expect: someone who was committed to and willing to work on the M, someone who wanted to share her feelings with me, someone who wanted to wanted to snuggle and hold hands and wanted to have sex with me, someone could tell me that she loved me.

Her response was quiet and sad. She doesn't want to proceed quickly. She doesn't want to tell the kids until at least after Xmas. She doesn't want to tell her mom ever - her mom is dying of cancer. She doesn't want to tell her family or mine yet. She's not in a hurry to proceed.

I told her that I wanted to proceed with a mediator and that I would begin pulling together the financial information. I also asked her to move out of the master bedroom, and told her I would convert my office back into a guest bedroom that she could make her own.

Since then, we have been staying a bit separate - just sort of doing our own things. She has been a bit more proactively attentive to me. I need to decide what my boundaries there are. If she asks for attention (hugs, etc) am I willing to go there (knowing that it sends me for a spin) without some sort of commitment from her? If now, how do I tell her?

Yesterday I cleaned out my office (I am now no longer working from home) - packed up my books, took down my pictures, packed away my files, etc. It's now hers to use. She saw what I was doing, commented on how bare the room now looked, and hung a few new pictures. I suggested that she could move in now but she wants to wait a week and make a decision then.

I am now on a business trip, and will be away and dark (with the exception of calls to the kids) until next weekend. I need the space as well. It'll be good to have some time alone to think a bit.

As I left left this morning, she met me at the door, hugged me and said "we'll talk when you get back". I broke off the hug first, smiled, and waved goodbye. As I walked to the car she waved and called "Call me later!"

[Greek]

Since then, we have been staying a bit separate - just sort of doing our own things. She has been a bit more proactively attentive to me. I need to decide what my boundaries there are. If she asks for attention (hugs, etc) am I willing to go there (knowing that it sends me for a spin) without some sort of commitment from her? If now, how do I tell her?

Hugs, etc...my opinion is no. Tell her like this: "W, when we were a couple, that is just the kind of thing I would have loved, welcomed and cherished. You have clearly stated your intention to be apart from me and I have decided that includes you are apart from my affection, too."

Reality.

Greek

[Kettricken]

Yep. Sometimes it's kinder to just rip the band-aid off.

Which doesn't preclude basic human kindness/respect/decency, of course.

[Thinker]

Had a great night out with an old friend. Now back in the hotel.

Mrs. T. helped the boys call me to say goodnight earlier this evening, and I have had two mails from her which ended with "Call me later", but so far have not.

She kept asking me for space, and now with this business trip, she is getting just that.

[Thinker]

Thinking a bit about the Stockdale Paradox:

"Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."


...that I will prevail in the end: Realizing that prevail does not necessarily mean "reconcile". Prevail means that I will be happy and successful and loved no matter what the outcome is.

...confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be. The brutal facts are:

• My w does not love me, and does not want to try to do so. I can not make her try.
• If she felt she could, she would leave, but for whatever reason (because of the kids?), she does not feel she can. This is the only reason she is not leaving.
• I have seen lots of confusion, sadness, and ambivalence in my w's emotions, but she has not given any clear signals that she is or might be willing to reconcile or work on the M. Her words and actions state the opposite. I can only accept that she is firm in her desire to remain outside of the M.
• My w's feelings do not reflect on me. They are hers. They are not inherently wrong are bad. But they ARE. I can't change them. I can't deny them. I have to accept them as they exist.
• I am not happy in the m as it is, and was not happy in the marriage as it was pre-bomb. In neither case was the R healthy. For my own mental health, I need to move forward.
• A D will be unpleasant and emotional. It will likely be irrational and confrontational and unpleasant.
• Post D, I will have restrictions on my life that I have not had to date. In order to stay with my kids, I will be tied to a specific geographic area. Alimony will likely place restrictions on my career choices.

But...

I will prevail in the end.

• I am better prepared for a new R than was in the past.
• The thought of having every other weekend completely free of parental and spousal responsibilities - for road trips, ski trips, camping, etc - is actually quite a pleasant thought.
• The thought of meeting and dating new women is actually pretty exciting.
• The thought of being able to include those women on those weekend vacations is even more interesting...
• I know I can still be a great dad to my boys. In fact, after having some time to focus on myself, I'll probably be even better with them than I am now.

and of course...

• I am still open to the possibility (not probability) that my w opens up to me again during the process.

[Thinker]

The more I accept the reality of my w's feelings, beliefs and position on our R...

...and the more I admit and accept my own inability to change this situation...

...the more ready I am to just move on.

[Looking_For_Help]

Amen brother!