Spouse Suffering From Depression

[awest1217]

Lucky,

Good job. I understand the frustration about not caring for S. It is something I cannot deal with anymore because my H all he talks about is how he misses S. WHATEVER!

I am glad you were able to stay strong with your husband and have a good time. The tiredness is probably due to the drinking and depression. My H would do that all the time when he first left. The best part is that he is at peace enough to sleep. Take that as a compliment. He was at peace enough with you and S to be able to sleep and probably slept better than he had in weeks.

Keep it up!

[Lucky11too]

So just feeling a little frustrated today. Nothing major to report. H was supposed to see S yesterday, he just said he was sleeping and I didn't hear anything back from him until finally later that night, he texts me a picture of our S when he was a baby, saying "He's growing too fast!" I had all these questions, like why didn't you come see S today, but I just simply responded "yes. too fast." I then just told him about all the amazing things S did that day. I feel like shouting at him to get his act together and he can be with the S "he misses so much" everyday! I almost feel pity for him for all the wonderful things that he is missing S doing.

Overall though, he's just so confusing. I never know where we stand (& I know that if I ask him, it will just backfire). It seems like one moment, we're sending racy text messages back and forth and then the next, he's completely MIA. (It's been going on for awhile like this). I mean, it's great that he is still physically attracted to me, but I want the emotional connection too. I feel like I have been giving it time, but nothing's happening!

But it was nice to have H around that night. It seems to make me worse off though, to have that great time together and then that's the end of it. It just makes me feel so sad. Hopefully, like you said 'awest', he realizes that he was comfortable there with us and will want more of that. Bummed out though because I suggested some things we could do this week (ie. pumpkin carving with S), but he didn't seem too into it. I don't know if he's planning on seeing S for halloweeen or not and I don't want to ask. It would involve taking off work (which he rarely does), so that would be a good step in making S a priority. So let's just see what this week holds...

[awest1217]

Lucky you did the right thing. I completely understand. I would say just start planning things without H and if he asks to come along great, but don't plan on it. This way you don't have to get disappointed if H doesn't come, but if he does it is an added bonus.

With me, H says he is not physically attracted to me at all and doesn't think he ever will be. We are connected extremely emotionally, but that is about it so almost the exact opposite. It is hard because I want more physically, but I am scared it will never happen just like with you and the emotional side, but with you since he is depressed he isn't able to emotionally be there for you because he needs to control his own emotions before he can give them away.

Hoping for a great week!

[Lucky11too]

Yeah, I kept wanting the emotional connection, but I guess it really is about having both to make it work. If either are lacking, it just doesn't work. Good point about how he can't give himself emotionally b/c he doesn't even have control over them himself. I just hope at some point he'll get to a breaking point where he'll finally decided to get help. Then we can get "us" moving forward.

So today, H gave me some diapers and pj's he bought for S. Yeah, I know, doesn't sounds like a big deal, but for him to make a small contribution is a step, when I have been taking care of S 100%. I know I deserve much more child support, but so far, I have been able to handle it own my own financially, and with him being a complete financial mess, I haven't pushed the issue. This is one reason I know that if we don't start making progress the next couple of months, I will need to push for legal separation/divorce (but that will definitely put the nail in the coffin for our marriage). So, just trying t go with the flow right now and continuing to DB and see what happens.

So, one last note. About 3 months after we separated, H brought up the idea of going to Hawaii for some us time. I couldn't then b/c I was still breastfeeding (plus was still too angry & resentful at that point to do much to save our marriage). Well, today, I saw a really superb deal on 3 night trip to Hawaii from So Cal. So, I decided to give it a try. I sent him an email showing him the deal & asked if he was still up for going? Not sure if that was the best idea or not (is that too much pursuing), but it would be really great to have some much needed us time. (and he was the one who brought it up originally, right). So, I guess I'll just have to see how he responds...

[awest1217]

It is so funny how our sitches are so closely related. I completely understand what you are going through. I don't think you did anything wrong by asking since he brought it up in the first place. Plus if he is still willing to work on you then that is always a positive sign. Also I understand that the PJs and diapers is a big thing because I got no help either. Have a good weekend!

[Lucky11too]

So I think I might have overpushed it...I checked and H read email yesterday, but I have not heard a word from him since. A little no (or yes) would have been nice, but just don't say nothing at all. I'm going to try really hard not to contact him and give him and chance to think about it (of course then he'll probably be mad at me for 'ignoring' him, but whatever). I'm just getting tired of all the mind games and always having to second guess my every word and action...

[TrentC]

I'm going to try really hard not to contact him and give him and chance to think about it (of course then he'll probably be mad at me for 'ignoring' him, but whatever).

You're not ignoring him, you're busy. You are out there GALing right?

I'm just getting tired of all the mind games and always having to second guess my every word and action...

You do what you have to do. He's the one that left, he has to take responsibility for the new reality of his life.

The solution to second-guessing is to detach and stop taking responsibility for his emotions.

[Lucky11too]

Yes, definitely out GALing! =) (actually I need to do more of this).

Yes, definitely out GALing! =) (actually I need to do more of this). This weekend would be a good time to start. I am going to just plan some fun halloween things for S and I to do & I'll let H know if he asks, but I'm not going to try to plan my schedule around him. He's so flaky anyways.

You do what you have to do. He's the one that left, he has to take responsibility for the new reality of his life.

The solution to second-guessing is to detach and stop taking responsibility for his emotions.

Thanks, I needed that reminder. Definitely need to work on detaching. I worry too much about what he's doing, how he's feeling, etc. I can only do what I can do and the rest is up to him...

[TrentC]

Thanks, I needed that reminder. Definitely need to work on detaching. I worry too much about what he's doing, how he's feeling, etc. I can only do what I can do and the rest is up to him...

We all need that reminder from time to time.

[awest1217]

Have a great Halloween weekend with S. Is it his first Halloween? Either way, he will actually be able to enjoy it now so have fun. Carving pumpkins or more playing with the insides was my S favorite.