Gotta Keep Trying 2

[Looking_For_Help]

GIMA,

How did you drop the rope? I found that this rope was wrapped around my neck pretty tight when I learned that my W is going house-hunting tomorrow with a realtor. I would love to drop this rope but my two kids are my kryptonite.

Thanks,
LFH

[givingitmyall]

LFH,

Kids make it tough, but in the end, I followed Coach's advice - "change your thought, change your emotion. Read up on Cognitive Dissonance - wikipedia is a good resource.

I realized my fear of being D'd was b/c I was afraid of being alone or lonely. This thought was unreasonable. So, change that thought to realize I will not be alone or lonely and my emotions follow suit. Thought preceeds emotion, not the other way around.

Give it a try. Its pretty liberating.

The kids - you are always going to be a huge part of their lives. No matter what.

[givingitmyall]

Weird folks. Tonight W tells me she "was looking for her engagement ring" earlier today so she could wear it to a lunch she went to. And, she can't find it. She said if she can't locate it this weekend, she'll have to file a police report.

I remained calm. On the one hand, I am glad she was looking for it since she has not worn it since the day of the bomb. Last time I saw it at all was maybe May or June in a drawer in her bathroom.

On the other hand, I am a little worried it is gone. That ring was EXPENSIVE.

So, it might be a good sign she was looking for it. But, I just don't care. In all likelihood, she only wanted it so she could look nice at her luncheon. Don't think it had anything to do with me. But, why tell me until she knows she has turned the house upside down?

Ah, it doesn't matter. Just strange.

[Kemper]

LFH,

Really read up on the Cognitive Dissonance as GIMA mentioned. I will say that dropping the rope happens at different times for each person. It just so happens that GIMA and I dropped the rope around the same time and basically after having a R conversation with our W's.

I am not saying to go have an R conversation with your W and you will drop the rope but there is something that just switches and I wish I could tell you how or when, but I will tell you that you will know it when it happens.

I am sure I will still have good and bad days, but I know I will have more good days than bad ones. I no longer fear my W or D. I will always be a huge part of my sons lives and nobody can take that away from me while I am alive on this earth.

I will say as hard as it might be to work on focusing on the positive and removing any negative thoughts, feelings, etc. There is a great page on livestrong.org about detaching and it is worth the read. However, make sure you are lovingly detaching and not going to the extreme where you end up being cold and unloving.

[Kemper]

GIMA,

Good job staying calm. The ring might be expensive the if you end up saving your R/M it will be priceless.

WOW, almost sounds like a mastercard commercial.

[givingitmyall]

You know, before Tuesday, I would have had hope based on her mentioning she wanted to wear the engagement ring. But now, not to sound callous, it doesn't matter. It might turn out to be a good thing, but it just doesn't turn my head like it used to.

Its as if I don't see myself M'd to her anymore.

[Kemper]

You are still being a caring person towards her which is a great sign of your character. All you are saying now is that you dropped the rope and it is up to her to decide what she wants.

I hate to say it but isn't it a great feeling at some level?

[givingitmyall]

Absolutely Kemper. No pressure. No worry. That's cool.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hey GIMA and Kemper...thanks for your suggestions. I find that I have inconsistent detachment...good days and bad days. And these days are as unpredictable as the weather.

Thanks again,
LFH

[Gardener]

Gima!,

Absolutely Kemper. No pressure. No worry. That's cool.

You're sounding good, my friend.
The conversation on cognitive dissonance, cognitive distortion on C-Bart's w/him, you, Dia, Coach, et al, was very interesting. I'll have to do some reading up on it.

Change your thoughts;change your emotions is a concept I'm not unfamiliar with (just never knew it had such polysyllabic formal names). This is what The Four Agreements has done for me (thanks, again, Gypsy). With making just two of the four agreements with myself (Don't Take Anything Personally and Don't Make Assumptions), my thought processes on many things have been simplified or eliminated and the resulting needless emotional wear and drain is short-circuited - eliminated. Liberating simplicity.

I suggest you pick it up. Easy, light, yet powerful read.

Well, I've been gone just two days and have spent the better part of 2 hrs. + catching up on my support system. A few more to go, perhaps a few thoughts on my own thread and off to bed.
Talk to you tomorrow.