Cutter: you are an inspiration. As you know, from my thread I am no where near the place you are. Just knowing that people like you are doing well even though they haven't save their marraige gives me a glitter of hope for the future.
You mentioned that you are also from Ontario. What area?
well i would like to keep that to myself as its still the internet. And there is a ton of info about my life on here. I can tell ya offline. But I have no idea on how to do that on this site.
And how I got here. Well I am still coming to grips with these new feelings. Its like a light bulb came on last week from reading and faking it and then accepting it... But have I truely accepted it ? I have no idea. I think I have. But I am not 100%. I was talking to my MOM about this. She is using the DB principals on her life ( not marriage ... they get along very well ) and some of her relationships with family members. It is very adaptable for everything.
I found writing helped a ton. I also stopped listening to music for a few weeks. Then I reintroduced the Beatles and then metal. Haha. Yea you can listen to the beatles and lamb of god withing an hour. I also wrote out lists on Stay or Go. Every time something poped in my head I wrote it on the list. I also wrote out a list on my relationship. What I liked, what I did not like, what others liked and did not like. That was about her and myself. Tried to be very objective. I ordered a few self help books and read them many times and I am trying to work them into my life. I completely broke down and grieved my loss of the past , present and future with my wife , best friend and lover. I then got up and decided not to hate but to be civil. Not to forgive her for her actions but to forgive us for what got us to the affair. I then lost my fear of her. And stopped the controlling and the abuse ( the abuse was only throwing the affair in my face and the affair itself. Controlling was actions vs reactions ) My wife never abused me before this nor did I abuse her. I accepted the abuse as actions by someone who is deeply hurt with guilt and grief as well. And I removed myself from this to protect myself. I knew I was going to go through depression so I prepaired for it. Running and keeping with it. I did not stop my activities that I do in the winter. Playing team sports and coaching. I found exposing the affair to both sides of the family and close friends helped as well. It allowed me to get support from both sides and to set the story straight when WAS was only concentrating on the negatives to justify the affair. I think she was shocked that nobody bought into her story.
Since we did not have children I am sure that helped as well. Our kids where our neices and nephews. During the first week I talked to WAS's neice who is 17 and explained it to her. I told her that was made a huge mistake but no matter what she loves her and will always love her and she is to be there for her when everything falls apart. Do not stop communicating with her. But that it was wrong. And it was very important for her to learn what is right and wrong in a marriage. That affairs just destroy everything they touch.
I listened to advice from friends and family but did not act. I debated actions and showed only love for WAS. I found this site. I also took one night and drank a nice bottle of red wine and said my good byes to pictures of us through out the years. Cried my eyes out and wished I had a second bottle. But the most important thing I did was to protect myself and remove my wife from my life. No Contact is really helping. She gets to live her life in a lie. I get to live my life learning about myself , healing and correcting parts of my personality I do not want to take into the second half of my life.
I am the Betrayed Spouse but she has Betrayed herself.
How is that for long winded?
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Wow, if I had one ounce of your strength I would be a much better man! You are definitely an inspiration for all of us out there who are still lost in a very dark place.
I wish. I am scared. I have lost my wife. But at the same time I have have realized that I did not lose myself. I am torn by these ideas. I am still so very much in love. Even though I know it is wrong. When I walk around the house. Thats what I say . how did it get so wrong? Then I snap the elastic. And continue on healing myself. Anyways.... I should go to bed. I hope I do not wake up at 4 am again. Its been 2 weeks straight... Maybe 3..
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
We are all scared, it comes with the territory and is completely understandable. Sure, we LBH got some things wrong but it's not all our problem. I was telling my my therapist yesterday that this was the first week in my sitch where I started feeling like it wasn't all me and that my W might actually have some fault as well. I keep thinking how could I have pushed away the most important person in my life and these thoughts crush me. However, she also could have approached the sitch with solutions that were more positive and she didn't which demonstrates that she is also accountable for the failing M.
You have found strength in the fact that you have not lost yourself. This is good, this is attractive, this is where you need to be. This is where I want to be!
Cutter: I am amazed by you. I have moments where I think I can be as brave as you, but they are fleeting. I think "scared" is the best possible way to describe how I feel.
I tried to send you a pm, but it says they are disabled. Send me an email: ontarioindy@hotmail.com and let me know what part of the province you are in. I will get back to you. If we are close, maybe we can help each other through this.
I hope I do not wake up at 4 am again. Its been 2 weeks straight... Maybe 3..
I've been doing that for over a month now. I can think of one night that I slept straight through.
Sometimes I roll over and go back to sleep. Sometimes I pick up one of Michele's books, or my wife's Bible, or grab my laptop and come here.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
On Tuesday I went out with a budy and had a few drinks. Well got home , chatted up a friend, called in sick for work and just got depressed at my actions.
So I sat there and thought all day about how I had back-pedalled and there I was down in the dumps and I realized that I was depressed by my own actions. I had caused a few problems. Slacked off at work.
Well first thing I did was contact my friend and say that I am very sorry for chatting you up last night. It was not my intent. ( She did not even notice ... ) I really felt horrible about that. She just went through a break up as well. And I had given her all my self help books and we were talking about boundaries... Went into work today and took my lumps for my screw up. I hope it was the 2x4 and kick in the ass so I can get back into work. I have been going through the motions... Its catching up. So I have got to GAL work. One of my co-workers who knows what is going on just gave it to me. I was real glad he did. I told him that I need to man up to work. Take my responsibliites back from everyone else.
As for the self funk. I ran it out of my system today after work. After accepting my screwups this week.
I think I did a little too much of the GAL last week. And forgot to spend some time alone relaxing. So I ran myself down. Peaked with the emotions. And forgot some of my personal goals. But wow what a down emotion it was. Booze and this stuff does not mix at all....
Well back on track. One step back... Two steps forward.
Take Care
Cutter.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
... ) I really felt horrible about that. She just went through a break up as well. And I had given her all my self help books and we were talking about boundaries...