"I am trying to move on, make plans, and she still gets pissed."
She gets pissed BECAUSE you're moving on. I think that part of the WAW wants to know that you're still pining for her...it's almost like a safety net for them that gives them peace of mind to keep doing what they're doing, and if their single happy girl life doesn't pan out, they know that they can fall back to ol' faithful. If you give her the impression that you're taking that safety net away from her, she's going to become unnerved. At least, that's my take.
I can say that, the first time my WAW did this, we lived together for 16 months before she moved out, and during that period, I did a complete 180 in every aspect of my life, and it drove her up the fricking wall. She'd sometimes get right in my face and YELL at me "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS NOW, WHEN IT DOESN'T MATTER?"
Ultimately, it was her finding out that I was seeing somebody else that pushed her over the edge that time and drove her back to me, within weeks. Somehow, even though she didn't want anything to do with "the old car" anymore, she just couldn't stand the thought of somebody ELSE driving it. I don't think that's gonna be the case this time.
Methinks she's gone for good this time, but time will tell. She is a bit tortured right now, even though she doesn't let it show to me very often. She shows visceral hatred for me whenever she comes over or calls...pretty weird, seeing as how she was the one who wanted to "do this the right way, and part as friends." Not so easy to do when she's over there and I'm over here, getting on with my life without her.
Her biggest torment right now is that she's lost her boys. They want nothing to do with her right now, and she may never get them back, to be honest. They're completely fed up with her, after seeing her do this twice now. Our eldest has a birthday on the 2nd, and I highly doubt he'll want anything to do with her at all. The 3rd is our anniversary, so that's GOT to bother her, even if she won't admit it. I'll buy a card, just in case she does, but I doubt she will.
Her birthday is on the 18th, and as far as I can tell right now, she'll get a card from our daughter and that's about it. The boys won't likely lift a finger for her. Thanksgiving right around the corner after that, and she'll be spending it with her rommate and AA pals instead of her family. Same with Christmas, when that rolls around.
All of that stuff is going to cause her great torment, but it is what it is. She's broken this family one too many times, and the ones who're old enough to remember the first time aren't real anxious to welcome her into their lives at this point.
Part of me can't help but feel sorry for her, because I know that there will come a day, perhaps not for months or years down the line, when she'll begin to feel real deep regrets over this, but my guess is that it'll be far too late to undo it by then. She never undid the damage she did to those kids and our marriage the first time she did this, and now she's done it again.
You're doing good, man. Keep it up. If she's going to come back, it'll be because she sees you doing fine and dandy without her, and she'll start to see things in you that she originally fell in love with. The distance/dark thing seems to really be beneficial, for both ends of this. It helps us heal and move on, and it helps them begin to see the finality of their decision. Again, you're taking away that safety net, and forcing her to TRULY set her own path.
My goofy WAW has a cushy, posh, make-believe life in a bubble right now. She's living for almost free in a beautiful, fairly new house, and can live like that indefinitely. She's good buds with the homeowner. Sweet deal for her, but it's a bubble that she's going to have to eventually emerge from, and that's going to be a harsh slap in the face when she does, just like last time.
One thing about this that plays in my favor is that, if this does come to divorce, it's going to be awfully tough for her to argue her case for primary custody of our D when she doesn't even have her own place to live, and is living in a sheltered little, make-believe bubble world.
Didn't mean to hijack your thread, but I just don't know that I really need my own. I've been through this before, and I feel pretty good overall about how I'm doing. I screwed the pooch on Monday night, bigtime, but picked myself up, dusted myself off, and have had numerous contacts with her since that were entirely positive on my part, while she was an unholy b!tch from hell. I just remained calm, pleasant, and happy throughout her infantile tirades, and will remain so from now on. I won't get sucked into her fights again. If she wishes to attack and demonize me, that's her deal, not mine. I'll just remain calm and pleasant, and, if it calls for it, agree with her and apologize that I'd made her feel that way.
