I keep reading this word. Over and over it is written that we need to have patience. Now I am beginning to see how much we need.
The big D. I understand the principle in that if I accept the worst that could happen - the big D - then EVERYTHING is easier to handle b/c everything is not as bad. I just don't fully accept it yet - perhaps my hopes and what I believe are 'clouding' my acceptance.
I did not reply to her text. Every second word would have been an expletive, so I just let it go and enjoyed the evening.
I sent her a text in the morning saying' I am here if you would like to talk.' You may think this is backsliding, but I think it has more to do with giving support and allowing me to listen to her and connect. Treating here like a friendly neighbor.
Of course there was no reply. She rang at 8.30pm and spoke to the kids and me.
She asked the boys if they had gone to the event last night. No such luck WAW that I would give you the easy option and cancel the night. You need to live with your choice.
The boys said that they missed her.
When I spoke to her she was full of tears and sobbing. I expected this and saw it for what it was - tears of guilt not true tears of sadness - She chose not to go!
She said the reason why she couldn't go last night was b/c she couldn't bare (?) to leave them at the end of the event - it would have broken their hearts.
She then said she was upset that I had not told her I was going to our Daughters at Xmas - which throws out all her plans. She thinks that she should have heard it from me. I replied ' Whatever happens in our R .....,...,.. a good relationship with our Daughter.' I then told her I knew of her plans of Xmas and that it showed that she did not plan to be back for Xmas. She denied any plans and asked how I knew this. She was surprised when I said that my MIL had told everyone of these plans last month. Silence on the other end of the 'phone.
She then through a fresh batch or tears said that she wanted to see the boys on Xmas eve and Xmas morning. 'I would understand that' I replied. The boys will be at my home at Xmas eve and Xmas day. This could be an interesting request for her to make. 'But there is a few weeks to go till then' I said, to avoid any conflict now and to allow time to be on my side - and it gives her a back door out of a potential argument.
She says she is upset b/c she seems to be messing up everyones lives. 'I can understand how you feel' I said.
I have yet to digest all this.
But all I know is that I had a great time this afternoon in the woods getting dirty and climbing trees with the boys. Then a bit of Nintendo action. Quality bonding. What more could a man want. Especially when both boys gave me big hugs during the day and told me that they loved me and I was a great dad.
At the moment - 90mins after the 'phone call I feel nothing for my WAW. No anger, pity, remorse, any feelings at all. I don't want to do anything to make it easier for her at the moment. I am going to do the best I can, try and keep a positive outlook, and let her drown in a sea of emotions of her own making.
One thing I will say. There has been a MUCH bigger emotive response from my WAW since I have been DB'ing.
I can only imagine the emotions she has been going through today. She tried to play the emotional - I am so sad - card by saying 'I have hardly spoken in the past 24hrs, I feel so bad and I feel like crying all the time. I am fuc**ng up everyone's lives and not getting myself better' 'It must be bad for you' I replied.
Regards, Gyn.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
But all I know is that I had a great time this afternoon in the woods getting dirty and climbing trees with the boys. Then a bit of Nintendo action. Quality bonding. What more could a man want. Especially when both boys gave me big hugs during the day and told me that they loved me and I was a great dad.
Excellent. As far as I can tell, you have been doing very well.
Didn't you say you live in England? I don't pick up any British speak in your posts. Where are all the 'bloody brilliant's?
That was a beautiful post. Man this site is like a trainwreck. You just keep looking at the pain. I am starting to really understand how people need to get away from this site. Its a little too raw. It is close to heart. I am actually torn posting this.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Ah-well, they boys have not asked for her, and me and the boys had a great time swimming.
Tonight is poker night. I will need to contact the WAW to see if she is still looking after her children tonight - or I will get my parents to look after them - but I am still going. Perhaps she has gone dark b/c she doesn't know where I am going? Perhaps she has gone dark b/c she is racked with guilt from Monday evening? Perhaps she has gone dark b/c she is upset with me over Xmas and that I know she is not planning to be home for Xmas? Perhaps.......
Who cares?! I am trying to tell myself this, but it is difficult. I need to do something today.
Just musing things over.
Bloody brilliant or what kidda's !!
Regards, Gyn.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
I will need to contact the WAW to see if she is still looking after her children tonight - or I will get my parents to look after them - but I am still going.
Good for you.
Originally Posted By: Gynandtonix
Perhaps she has gone dark b/c she doesn't know where I am going? Perhaps she has gone dark b/c she is racked with guilt from Monday evening? Perhaps she has gone dark b/c she is upset with me over Xmas and that I know she is not planning to be home for Xmas? Perhaps.......
Who cares?! I am trying to tell myself this, but it is difficult.
Yes. Mind-reading does not do you any good. And terribly difficult not to do. Accept that you have no idea what is going through their mind.
Try talking things over with a good friend. I found that helped. My W and I were very dim for a few weeks; I found out later that she was having a very difficult time with it and believed I was extremely angry with her. It was during this time that she realized how much she missed me.
Well the WAW actually turned up on time to look after the kids.
And I actually had a great time at the Poker League.
When I returned we had a little talk about this and that, nothing heavy. I thanked her for looking after the kids. She replied 'well they are also my kids.'
She commented upon the full week of activities I had planned this week whilst the kids are off school. She noted that I had joined a single fathers group and a poker league in one week. She asked if I had anything planned for Halloween. I said I was going to do duck apple as we do every year and invite the Daughter & SIL over(With SIL's s9) to join in.
Surprise, surprise, my WAW asked if she could come over as she would like to do duck apple with them as well. First time she has invited herself to something I was doing with the kids.
She asked if I was doing anything on Bonfire night. I told her nothing is arranged as yet, b/c I am working the night shift that week. But I am going to an large organized Firework display near here on Saturday. I did not say it in a way to invite her, nor did I invite her directly.
Let us see what she does - nothing I expect.
As she was leaving she repeated that they are also her children and that she had not spent as much time with them as she COULD have. I replied with silence.
I have truly completed a few 180's this week and they have been noticed. I have also made a concentrated effort in getting out, and have joined 2 groups in 1 week.
Lets keep the ball rolling. Bloody Brilliant guv'r. Up the 'apple n pears M'lady' and all that.
Redards, Gyn.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
Friday; Spent the afternoon having a good time at my Stepdaughters with the boys. Just as I was leaving she receives a phone call from her my MIL. WAW had been taken to hospital by EA at about 6pm. She is suffering from Stroke type symptoms.
My world collapses.
Luckily I can leave the boys with their sister and I rush off to see the WAW. I find the WAW at 7pm - the EA is in attendance. He leaves straight away when I arrive. At about 9pm I ring the family to update them all. I ring WAW's EA to thank him for taking her to hospital, and I mention I may be coming over later to get her an overnight bag.
10pm, We find that she is to stay in overnight, but Cluster headaches and stress are diagnosed - not a stroke.
11pm, The EA arrives with an overnight bag. This is a disaster. WAW's expression changes when he arrives, and she asks if they could speak alone for a few mins. I go, but come back after 5 mins, the expression on her face hurts - she is totally entranced in their conversation. My impression anyway.
I return after another 5 mins. The WAW is in floods of tears, I mean buckets. EA is stood up to leave.
I return after another 5 mins. WAW is alone and streaming tears. Keeps saying that she doesn't want to be there.
During the next hour the WAW's attitude to me changes for the better. When I am asked to leave by the staff at midnight, she kisses me good night on the lips.
On the way home I get a call from Daughter saying that the EA had packed all his stuff up and had left the WAW's place, (Brother in laws home)
This makes me feel good. It looks like he has finally left my WAW.
Next morning I rang the WAW at 10am to be told she may be out at 1pm, and she will keep me informed. I had arranged to go to the cinema with the boys so I still go.
At 1pm I ring to see how she is doing. Hospital staff tell me her husband is picking her up now.
Bang!
I try to ring her Mbl - it is turned off so I leave a text saying 'I believe you have left hospital'
She rings me straight back and tells it was a coincidence that the EA had rang up just after she was discharged. I was very cold and snotty to her.
I get home and find she had left a message on the landline telling me that she was out of Hospital and knew I was in the cinema. This is timed to have arrived the minute before she rang my Mbl.
She rings to say she still wants to do Duck apple withe the boys and me tonight's at 3pm. I was very cold to her.
She rings at 5pm and asks if I would like to talk and clear the air as if there is going to be an atmosphere tonight she would not come. I voice ALL of my anger at the EA picking her up, and that the hospital said he was her H. She explained it all to me and it made sense. I couldn't let the boys down as they knew she was coming over tonight to play duck apple with them so I agreed there wouldn't be an atmosphere.
I asked her why she was crying last night. She eventually said it was b/c the EA had come to the hospital last night to tell her he was leaving. It seems my WAW convinced him to stay!
When she arrived I told her that I did not like the delay in when she answers my calls or texts. I told of my anger that she is always late to arrive for planned meeting like picking up the kids.
The evening goes off well - everyone has fun and there is no 'atmosphere' Before the start of the evening I had texted the SIL if it was correct that the EA had packed all his stuff last night from her brothers house. She confirmed that it was correct, but that he was now back. Bast**d!
I got 3 more texts from the SIL during the evening - my WAW was surprised I was getting texts from her Sister, and tried to find out what was in the texts - I evaded her probings.
The evening ended, the WAW left, I had a good heart to heart with my Stepdaughter. She left and I got drunk.
Sunday. A quick phone call from the WAW. She sounded down and tired. She told me she was missing the boys.
Monday. Discovered the car was ill - broken shock spring . We had a few light hearted texts about it, and she sent a few more texts trying to help me fix the car. She was responding to my texts immediatly - very unusual. These were unusual texts as the she was going a 'little further' that she had before in responding to my texts.
That night she arrived bang on time to pick up the boys as arranged. This had never happened before. The boys were upset to leave.
She rings me at the start of my shift to speak to the boys - they were VERY upset. I text her after to ask if she was OK - she sounded upset. She texted back straight away saying the boys had upset her b/c they wanted me not her and didn't want to stay there.
Tuesday. no contact with the WAW until she arrived ON TIME to pick up the boys as arranged. We spoke a little about the banal things. As she left the boys hugged me and were upset at leaving me again. Just before she left she asked if I was OK - it must have been obvious on my face I wasn't. I told her I was upset about everything and how it has hurting the boys.
I told her I was unhappy about us and that our sitch is only a small step from D. She asked if I had gotten legal advice. I said no. I asked if she had. She said 'I have not gotten any legal advice at all'.
She left and then rang me at the start of my shift to settle down the boys.
I have decided to stop all physical contact between us. I am going to tell her I am not comfortable with the hugging when she leaves. I am not happy with her at all at the moment.
She is responding better to and texts and calls. She is arriving on time. She is 'softer' to me when we talk.
It is not enough.
Bonfire night tomorrow and it is usually a big family event. Not this year. I am getting some fireworks for the boys - but I am undecided in if I should invite her along - or should I wait until she invites herself like she did for the Duck apple evening.
I am only just now (Wednesday) getting over the events of the W/e and processing my emotions and thoughts. I am going to go through with my 180 and have no physical contact. I am going to strengthen the no phone calls and texting strategy - I actually do not want to speak to her one moment, but the next, I want to hear her voice.
I am trying hard not to use the boys as a weapon against her, it would be so easy to set this up - but I must keep the moral high ground.
I thought I had seen some movement towards fixing our sitch with the episode of my WAW being in Hospital and the EA packing his stuff.
How mistaken was I. I now see that my WAW has no feelings towards me at all. Just numbness.
I feel like giving it all up.......
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
WAW's expression changes when he arrives, and she asks if they could speak alone for a few mins. I go, but come back after 5 mins, the expression on her face hurts - she is totally entranced in their conversation. My impression anyway.
I return after another 5 mins. The WAW is in floods of tears, I mean buckets. EA is stood up to leave.
I return after another 5 mins. WAW is alone and streaming tears.
you are right. that is a disaster.
Quote:
At 1pm I ring to see how she is doing. Hospital staff tell me her husband is picking her up now.
G&T, What are you all chummy with your wife? She told you to your face she wants the OM back. Let her have what she wants. Stop txting and rescuing her. She doesn't respect you. You need to regroup. You can handle this.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Are there any guides or help from people who have gone through this stuff?
Help!!
Regards, Gyn
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
