Got home late last night from a work trip. I was tired and had a cold. W was cleaning the house when I came home. She had called me and asked her to pick up a soda on my way home and was sorry to ask because she knew I was tired. Whatever, I got the soda.
She gave me a hug when I came home and a kiss. I felt weird and kind of turned away I guess. I unpacked and kind of did my own thing. We chatted for a bit and I went to bed after another awkward hug from her and lame kiss. I just said "weak" and went in the other room. Probably should have avoided her because I wasn't in a very good mood.
This morning was fine. I woke up coughing my brains out and stayed home. I gave D2 a bath while W got ready for work. She pulls a 12 hour day today so I haven't talked to her. This morning was alright. I put D2 in the car and W gave me a hug and kiss goodbye before getting in.
I noticed this AM when she was getting ready that she was fishing for compliments. Saying how her pants were fitting better and she thinks she gained some muscle and lost some fat. Then I noticed she had her bikini line shaved nicely. She told me how skinny I looked and it's crazy how lose the jeans I had on were compared to what they used to be like..I had my shirt off when I was leaning over giving D2 a bath. I think the bikini thing put me in a bad mood. I just sort of faked it until she left and felt weird the rest of the time. I also got paranoid and checked the internet history in which I get this feeling of this one guy she has a EA with still. I saw some screenshots of him IMing her. Nothing but small talk and just a few exchanges. I also checked her phone for just the last day and didn't see anything from him. I sort of got myself amped up and bought a keylogger that is now capturing screenshots every 30 seconds and logging everything. I feel like a scumbag but I need to know what I'm dealing with here. I know it's a double edged sword of the damage of knowing some stuff you'd be better off never knowing, but I want to know. This one guy has a 2 yr old son and a girlfriend who is young. They had gone on a playdate a month ago and she knows him from highschool. He lives about an hour away.
Pending on what pops up how should I handle this? Pretend I know nothing if I see something or confront and admit to basically spying on her....
She said she wanted to go to counseling soon and not put it off any longer. I called today and set a tentative appt for Wed. I'll let her know tonight. She also discusses the future and us going to her family for Thanksgiving and us running a road race together. I'm having trouble reading what is going on and she does have some of those guy friends who are basically the no threat whatsoever type of guys who I've hung out with before, but I just don't know this guy and get this feeling. It's eating away at me. Generally when someone gets a feeling like that, it means something is going on but I'm acting "as if" and have maintained the positive attitude around her and helping out around the house and paying attention to her more enthusiastically when she talks to me....
Anyway, just an update. In a nutshell, after reading all of the EA and PA sitches on this board. I am now not trusting her the way I once did and scrutinizing behavior.
As soon as she gets home tonight I'm leaving to meet my brother and friend for a drink. It's one of those things where I don't even want to go but feel like I have too.
I'm still sick and for some reason I was stressed out and ran 9 miles around lunch time at a pretty fast pace. That was probably stupid and I'll probably feel even worse tomorrow...oh well. I hate how I'm analyzing every little interaction so much. It's tough to just be at peace alot of the time. Anyway, I'm just venting here.....This is the place to do it....not on the W!
Me: 30 W: 29 D: 20 months M: 5 years T: 6.5 years ILYBNILWY and want to separate: 10/5/2009
