Slept with XH, help!!

[Augtan]

Kimmie Lee---thanks for calling me out!! You are sooo right, I do care, and way too much! I had a huge set back last night, I really am so mad at myself in a way, but then again I'm not. I went off on XH!!

But, here is the thing I keep going back to...why am I doing this to myself after all he has done to me and our kids?? Why do I want a man capable of doing and saying all he has done, lied like I never knew a person could lie, cheat like I never thought someone could cheat, take everything away from us that was ever important in our life, let his kids move 700 miles away with out blinking, continue to have an A with someone who is such a low class wh**e, let our house go to foreclosure making us lose $100,000 of equity, take my perfect credit from me, leave me and my kids to fend for ourselves..I could go on and on!!

Why do I continue to make excuses for his behavior? He is an adult man, not some baby who doesn't know right from wrong, and quite frankly I am sick of the excuse of a MLC, it is not something that gives them the right to do these things and act this way!! I am about sick of it all and feel like why am I the one who has to fight for someone that isn't acting like he is at all worth fighting for?? I know there are millions of men and woman around the world who do this and therefore it is something to be looked at, but come on..at what point to you just say they are selfish people who maybe were always this way but covered it up to try to be "normal" and then couldn't handle it anymore and let out who they really were? At what point to you just say "enough is enough and you have hurt me and my kids for too long!!"

I guess that point is different for many people, but I believe God has a plan for everyone and I feel I am fighting the plan by hanging on to someone He has shown me isn't good enough for me and isn't going to be the man I need him to be. I believe now that there are plenty of men out there who don't do this to their families and who are capable of treating their wives right. This is the kind of man I deserve and I want in my life cause who's to say if my XH came back he wouldn't use this MLC excuse to do it all again to me and my kids!! That would be way, way worse than putting him in the past and getting a new life with a new man who can be mature enough to do and be a real man!! I don't want a new man right now, I am too busy looking at and learning how to be a better me. But, one day I will be ready and I deserve the best, not some half ass man who chooses to do what my XH has done and regardless of anything else..what he did was a choice!! No one held a gun to his head and told him he had to do all he has done. People way, way worse off than my XH overcome childhood crap and don't ruin the lives of their families. I am just done accepting all this as an excuse to do what you want to do and be the most selfish bas**rd on earth because you feel like it. I know people are going to tell me then I don't belong doing DB or whatever, and that is fine. I guess others will say I finally get what DBing is all about...it isn't about your XS at all. Well, I get it all now and I am just done!! Put a fork in me...I am done!! I can take no more from him!! I do get it, it is about me and my kids and only me and my kids now, he will get nothing and nada from me in anyway again. And, I really would like to get revenge (by telling OW I slept with her "boyfriend") for all he did to us and ruin his life and OW's life like they did me and my kids, but I won't cause I have a conscience, something neither one of them have or they couldn't have done what they did and continue to do it. XH told me last night "I thought you wanted to be the bigger person by not saying anything, I thought you were acting like the bigger person!!" Well, HELLO... if you think I am the bigger person why do you want the smaller person.. the OW!! He is just plain nuts and I am sick of it! And, he said "when you do this you just push me closer to her"...well if you are "in love" with her how can I push you closer? Aren't you about as close as you can get?? Everything he says makes no sense!!

A