My wife and I have been having issues over the last couple of years. We havn't really worked on things, cause her father recently passed away with cancer, and we spent the last 2 years trying to deal with the ups and downs of treating cancer.
4 weeks ago, my wife said she needed her space, cause she hasn't dealt with her issues (including her father passing away and an abortion about 18 months ago), and that I make it harder for her to deal with when I'm around. So I moved out of home. (which is her parents home as we're in the process of building, (another stress point for us)). A week before I moved out, we had an argument, and she said that she has pretty much made up her mind about our marriage. So I told her that I would pack my bags, and she said she wasn't asking me to leave???
She said that when she is ready to talk about our marriage, she will let me know. My wife is a strong minded person, and once she sets her mind on something, it's very hard to change. I just don't know if she has already made up her mind, but can't deal with telling me yet. I've been trying to give her the space she needs, but it's hard as we have a 6 year old son who I speak to every morning and night and see Thursday through to Saturday when he stays with me. We also talk most days as were still trying to get the house finished which should hopefully be done in about 2 months. It's our 11 year anniversay on Saturday night, and we are going out to watch a show and have dinner, but she said as friends (not sure what that means)
I've been staying with my sister and parents, but am struggling with not knowing what she is thinking or has planned and I want to call to talk about it, but I know it will cause more problems.
We went through the same thing about 18 months ago, and I didn't handle it too well. I only moved out for a week, and didn't give her any space and nothing really changed, so I'm not going to make the same mistake again. I just don't know how long I can wait for her to want to talk about things. I feel lost.
One of the conditions of me giving her the space this time, is that she seeks councelling (which she is), cause I think she really needs to speak to some-one, and I'm not very good with saying the right things.
Some days she is gives me confidance that we can work through things (like asking me which carpet I prefer for the house, colors, bathroom fittings etc), but other days I feel like there is no hope cause she'll say things like "you can do what ever you like"
She also took a week off work after I moved out and she spent it with our son (going to the beach, movies etc). I'm concerned that with councilling and taking that time off, she will think that she is happier without me. I do hope she does starts feeling happier, but at the same time, I don't want her to think it's because I'm not there.
She is a smart and strong person, but I'm not sure what her thought process has been over the last 4 weeks. I know 4 weeks is only a short period, but it feels like a lifetime.
I want to wait for her, but I don't know how long I can wait. Thats a question I keep asking myself, but can't seem to answer. It's something that only I can answer, but I can't.
She refuses to wear her wedding rings as it is a sign of our committment to each other, and I was never there for her.
Hi Stu, I am new to this myself but I'll give it a shot... Have you read DB or DR yet? I recommend DR. If you have, then you know you need to start detaching emotionally from the situation, for your own sake. I know it feels like the opposite of what you want to do, but it is what you need to do. I hear your fears about her thinking she is happier without you. I have the same fears, but my H is in the same house in another bedroom. He seems to content to stay there and it hurts so much. Most of us here in similar situations struggle with wondering how long we can hang in there and wait. I am struggling with that too. That is why GALing is so important! We have to be able to find ways to survive the emotional pain, find some enjoyment in life, and the other benefit is that is more likely to make us more attractive to our WAS again. I wish you all the best... get those books if you haven't already! Rocked
Hi Stu, welcome. This is a good place for you to be!
Have you read the Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy books? They are a good place to start.
First and foremost, if you have promised her her space, give it to her. Stay away from relationship talks... even on your anniversary date. Do you know if she is planning on a gift for you? If shes not, I would say maybe just get her a simple card. I would also say that going to counseling is a good idea. This could be a really tough time for you, and they can help you through it, just make sure that your counselor is pro-marriage. You are part of an 11 year marriage, you cant expect things to be fixed in a matter of weeks, many of us have been embroiled in our situations for years.
You cant read her mind, so DO NOT try. You can take this time to worry about what you need to do to make yourself the best husband that you can possibly be. You wife is going through a crisis right now, with her fathers death and whatever else is going on, I would really advocate patience here.
Her talking about making your home comfortable for both of you is a good sign. But again, stay away from trying to decipher her behaviors, and do not engage in relationship talks. Validate her concerns or complaints. Tell her that you understand what shes saying, or why she might feel that way. Dont aruge, or try to defend yourself. The time will come for you to air your concerns.
Keep coming on here and giving us updates. The more info that you give us, the better we can help. If you feel like calling her up and talking about your marriage, dont, come on here and journal about it, or write a letter and burn it. They call it dropping the rope- the more you try to pull her to you, the more she will resist- if you drop the rope, she can come to you.
Good luck!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Thanks all, even though I only posted a few minutes ago, I've already started feeling better with the comments I'm getting. I know giving her space is what I need to do. I wasn't planning on talking about our relationship on Saturday night, I just wanted to go out for nice night where we could share some laughs and just enjoy a good night out without any pressures.
I don't think she is planning on a gift, but I've got one for her. It's not a romatic gift or anything, just a small Angel statue to represent happiness and peace. I thought anything romatic would be adding pressure. I want to get a card, but how do I get a "Happy Anniversary" card when we're not living together?
Sounds like I need to get those books to read. They seemed to have helped alot of people.
Thanks again for the replies. I'm really surprised at the quick responses and the quality. Normally when you post things to forums, you don't get what your looking for, but it's definately not the case here.
Sydney, Australia H: 34 W: 33 M: 11 s: 6 Asked for Divorce 12th Nov 2009
You could thank her for the time that you have had together and for her being such an excellent mother to your son... no pressure, no mention of your future together, or I love you's, though.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
She is a great mother and I'm guilty of not telling her that enough. She is very hard on herself and has high expectations of herself and others.
We tried counceling the first time we had some space, but she didn't think it helped. It became a session on our own issues, not issues within our mariage, so when/if she is ready to talk, we won't be going back there.
I've booked a show (tried to find something a little light hearted) and dinner at a restaurant (not a romantic one) for Saturday night. Hopefully its a good night, although I did get a little annoyed when she said she would go, but just as friends. Not sure what that means. We normally spend the night in a hotel in the city, so I think it was her way of saying "don't book a hotel". Thats what I'm hoping.
I've also asked her is she minds if I move into the house when it's in a liveable state before it's completely finished. She was fine with that. I just hope i'm not there alone for to long.
She also refuses to wear her wedding rings. Her reasons were that the rings are a symbol of our vows and comittment, and I havn't been working on our marriage.
What had she been asking you to do as part of you working on your M? What are some of the things that you plan on doing now? Have you read about the 180's? Basically its taking a behavior that you know doesnt work, or is destructive and doing the complete opposite. For instance, if when she tries to air a concern, you lost your temper, now you would validate her and calmly listen. If she would ever ask you to do something, and you would take days to get around to it, do it as soon as possible. That kind of thing.
You should also be doing things to remove yourself from the thick of your situation. Thats called Getting a Life (GAL), is there anything that you have ever wanted to do but have been putting off? Learning to ski, or garden or take a class, go back to school, join a fire dept, start jogging. The focus of this is to do positive productive things for yourself, as part of making yourself a more positive, well rounded person. And detaching a little from your W will give you something else to focus on, and it will make your W a little curious about what exactly you have been up to!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
The biggest issue has been that I bottle things up and she has to drag it out of me. I know myself that I wont be doing that anymore and I told her. I also asked her if she is prepared for more arguments, cause I won't always agree with her. She said she was and she would prefer it as at least she'll know what I think. Whether she thinks I wil do it is another thing.
I've been looking into dancing classes for a couple of reasons. 1. She loves dancing and I have 2 left feet 2. I'd love to be able to dance properly without feeling embarrassed. 3. It will give me a chance to meet some new people. One of the things that has been hurtful is that none of our friends have called me to see how I was doing. The friends that we go out with are primarly her friends. She doesn't like alot of my friends, so we tend not to do much with them.
I'd like to be able to do things with her, and we started doing that after our last break, but we didn't have time to continue cause of work, building the house, her father going through chemo treatment etc. I wish we could of, cause we were able to laugh at each other.
I've ordered DR, but it will take up to 2 weeks to arrive.
One of the other things I've been guilty of, is putting my wife and son before myself for everyhing. I enjoyed martial arts, but stopped cause I was training 3 nights a week and felt like it was to much time away from the family. I could of cut it down to 2 nights a week, but I couldn't justify the cost for 2 nights opposed to 3. I would love if she did martial arts with me, but I know she wouldn't enjoy it. We like different types of excercise. She likes going to the gym, where I like Tennis and martial arts. I did join the gym so we could do something together, but she just listens to her ipod and does her own thing.
Sydney, Australia H: 34 W: 33 M: 11 s: 6 Asked for Divorce 12th Nov 2009
Sounds like a good start Stu. One thing I have been learning the hard way is that you have to make these changes for YOU not your spouse. When you do things that you think will just make her happy or get her attention, she may just see through it, not see it as genuine, and dismiss it. If you do things for you, and it brings you some new motivation or excitement in your life, that shows. Your spouse will be intrigued by that, plus it makes you happier during one of the most difficult times in your life. I am not successful at this yet myself, but I am learning this and slowly starting to make the shift.
I don't do as much around the house as I should, but it because when I do, I get critisized cause it's not the way she likes it. She doesn't want me to hang the clothes out or iron, cause she doesn't like the way I do it. So I sort of stopped trying. It's become easier to leave things and not be critisized than trying and feeling like I failed and made things harder for her. There are other things that I should be doing, that I havn't been, and I think it's because I've been so busy with trying to build the house and running my business. I tend to be very forgetfull which causes her anxiety, but I don't know what I can do about that.
Sydney, Australia H: 34 W: 33 M: 11 s: 6 Asked for Divorce 12th Nov 2009
