Have gone back to this as my original thread. I understand starting too many makes things confusing. Where things are at now.... of course contact was resumed. Of course H didn't tell me, I confronted and he admitted. H claims they are "winding things down" and I supposed to be patient and let him do that on his own time frame. How I am supposed to be able to trust that
You're not. It's bullshit. "Getting closure," and "winding things down," is just fogged-out infidelity cake-eating. Until he agrees to 100% no-contact and full transparency, you need to treat this as if he is still in a full-blown affair.
I don't remember, is he still living in your home? What boundaries, if any, have you established?
Yes we are in the same house. The day I found out contact was resumed I moved him in another bedroom and have made it clear he will stay there until that is no longer the case, he commits to our marriage and is willing to do what it takes to re-earn trust (i.e. transparency). He, sadly, seems quite content to stay there and it seems to have just increased the secrecy. Now, when he actually IS home, he goes in there, shuts and locks the door with his cell phone and laptop. And I am supposed to believe he is "winding things down?" sheesh! Do I confront all this in MC session?
No, you should not believe he's winding things down.
Yes, you've laid out a good boundary, and he is respecting it.
Yes, I would bring it up in MC, but I only like bluffing with House money; I would ask the MC ahead of time, privately, what their position is on MCing while there is still a 3rd person in the marriage. Hopefully, this MC will support you in your efforts at FULL no-contact, and FULL transparency.
Who pays for your husband's internet access and cellphone?
What is your current financial situation (don't need details, but) are family's needs being met?
I have already talked with MC privately and he is on board with this.
internet access and cell phone comes out of our joint account which is contributed to by both incomes. I handle all the money and bill paying.
Current financial situation is strained... but for other reasons than this sitch. But, it is all on my shoulders to figure out and juggle. I am making sure family needs are being met but not without a lot of stress on my part.
I meant, don't bring it up in MC unless you are SURE the MC's position is going to be that there can't be a third person in the marriage. Sounds like they'll support you in that, which is great, so yes -- bring it up.
I would suggest you immediately stop paying for his cellphone and his internet access out of joint funds. In fact, I'd suggest that you begin to deposit your paycheck into a new account, that's only accessible by you, and ONLY transfer funds to your joint account in an amount necessary to cover the family's NEEDS, and NOT his affair or his wants.
Let him know after you've done this; don't hide from it. Tell him "I have decided that I will no longer financially help enable your affair."
Do this with any items that he is squandering family assets on. He will have a new cellphone account up and running within hours, but you will have established an important boundary
I have another question... open to anyone's thoughts on this... Our pastor called the other day inquiring how we are doing. I am not surprised. H has a leadership role at our church and we have hardly attended in months. I've gone with the kids (I think only once) but H never wants to go (gee, I wonder why). Ironically, OW also attends that church sometimes. People know my H and OW work together and are "friends" but I am sure no one knows there has been an EA.
I was caught off guard by pastor's call and made it sound like all is fine, just busy. Should I ask to meet with pastor and tell him what is going on?
H has kept pressure on me to keep everything quiet b/c he has a very high profile job (as do I) and we are both very well known and respected in our community. He very well could lose his job if this was known, and the financial security for me and kids would be threatened. That scares me enough to keep quiet. When I think about all this I feel I am on the verge of a panic attack. Seriously... I can hardly stand the anxiety at times...
I think if you feel the pastor's counsel could help you, then you should do it.
I think if you're doing fine by yourself, and/or with the counsel of others, and would be doing it just to expose . . . ehhh.
I happen to be pro-exposure, but I wouldn't ordinarily include a pastor in the small circle to whom I'd recommend exposing. However, again, if YOU need someone to talk to, particularly spiritually, then there's no reason why you need to lie to cover up your husband's affair.
II would suggest you immediately stop paying for his cellphone and his internet access out of joint funds. In fact, I'd suggest that you begin to deposit your paycheck into a new account, that's only accessible by you, and ONLY transfer funds to your joint account in an amount necessary to cover the family's NEEDS, and NOT his affair or his wants.Let him know after you've done this; don't hide from it. Tell him "I have decided that I will no longer financially help enable your affair."
^^^Strongly agree w/pup, here!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
hey all!! im new to the site, i have been seperated from my hubby for 2 months and its been an absolute rollercoaster for me!! i hate feeling this way...ur advice is exactly what im following...i hope it works in my situation!!
Rockedworld, First let me say I'm sorry to see you here. Hows that for an intro?
Your in good hands as Pups been around here for a long time. One thing I'll caution you on is be careful how you present things during MC. Don't back your H into a corner or he will shut down. Get really good at setting boundaries and standing firm. Sounds like you have a head start. Just keep it going. There is a good thread round here bout setting boundaries. Good read if you haven't already.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
