Hey Gina: Thought you might enjoy the latest letter exchange between my wife and I...This all started when she was gone all sunday and sunday night. She says that she is going to realestate class sunday nights from 6-10pm. She doesn't come home till midnight. I did call the realestate place and they don't offer classes on sunday. My wife told me that she takes the classes at another realestate office..So naturally, the mind wanders to bad places and I had to say something to her about it..The friday before, she came home at 4:30 in the morning. I did lie a little. I did really say something to her because I am wondering what she is doing till midnight on a sunday when her class ended two hours earlier..Contrary to what her letter sounds like, i am not watching her like a hawk.
Her letter to me:
I know you are going out friday night to a party I am going to get a sitter for the boys because Phyllis is having a halloween party that I want to go to but if i cannot get a sitter I will not go. Sunday Is Michelle's birthday and I want to go to her party. I hope you don't have a problem with it but if you do let me know.
Next week and weekend is your birthday weekend. I am not sure what day but kathi is having a party for Elisa's birthday It is going to be a late night so I am going to sleep at Kathi's so I don't upset you.
I just want to communicate all this to you ahead of time so you don't get upset and you know exactly where I will be at all times. Because of course I have a curfew and you are watching me apparently like big brother in the sky.
I know you don't trust me and I don't even care anymore. I am trying my best to move on with my career and to study on sunday nights for you to ask me all these questions really bothers me I am so sick and tired of it. I am going to tell you everything and evertime I speak to a guy I will let you know and if I start to date I will know because for some reason you have an obsession as to find out if I am doing something. It doesn't matter you can spend all the money you want on great lawyers you wont get anymore then you are entitled to I know my rights and I know your rights. I am not stupid. I am not looking to screw you or upset the children anymore than I have to you can come and put the kids to bed everynight if you want. I don't care I will be there for my kids like I have been for the past 12 years. 6 months doesn't make you a better parent. Do you know when you were studing for your masters how much you were gone and you were never around. I hate that you will not let me move on with my life without giving me a guilt trip. Do you know I realized something this morning when I woke up. That I am so depressed. I am not depressed about the divorce I am depressed about the distrust and the attitude you are giving me because I want to move on with my life. I am more depressed now then I have ever been in our marriage.
You know I was listening to a speaker last night and she said about what she has done with her life and what she has invested in and do you know I am leaving this marriage with nothing to my name. And I left and cried in the bathroom. Don't get me wrong I am happy that I have created and raised our 3 boys and I have that to show for my life. But I am almost 40 and nothing to show for my self. I have accomplished nothing in my life other than raise 3 boys. I know you think that should have been enough but it isn't for me what do or will I do when they are gone and making a life for themselves. I will have nothing I cannot let that happen to myself. I feel stupid that I cannot even afford to live on my own and I need my parents to help me. I should have never let that happen. Don't respond to this you can try to find out anything about what I am doing but you will find that you are just making a fool of yourself.
My Response:
The reason I asked: The kids asked me last night if Sundays are going to be like this always which is why I asked. I didn’t want to make you feel guilty.
-It is called, “the letting go and detaching” It takes time for this to happen. You are not in my shoes. I am not in yours. Yes there is distrust on my side. I DID NOT create that—you did. You will never know what an emotional affair does to someone—if you read up on it, you will find that it is the same as a physical affair. Considering how some people have handled themselves who have been through this that I spoke to, I do know I am handling it quite well whether you think I am or not.
-Six months ago, I had a wife that I loved and thought she loved me. She is gone now. Because I loved you, it is natural to be deeply hurt that your wife is going out to bars without him while living in the same house. My wife is talking to, seeing and confiding in two of her exboyfriends. One of them I despise. I really don’t get why you can’t understand that is a normal feeling…Ask anyone—that would make any normal person who loved their wife or husband jealous and distrustful. Because you didn’t love me, you have no problem telling me to go find someone else.
-Someone said to me last week, Joanne has pretty much said she doesn’t love you weekly for the last 24 weeks in a row. She says that she hasn’t loved you for 10 years. Why are you hanging on? I didn’t have a good answer other than I didn’t want to lose 50% of my time with our sons. The boys and I had such a good time last night. It is those moments that you and I will both loose when we are not with them. So , I kept thinking there would be this moment that you would say, “I want to try” I understand that will not happen now.
-I never said I was a better parent, never.
-Raising a family is enough for some mothers. It obviously isn’t enough for you. You know what, I completely understand and don’t blame you. We could have talked about this years ago that you need to have your sense of mission fulfilled. That you needed this in your life. You chose to hide away all your feelings, desires and not share. You know deep down I would have supported you. Think what you want, I would have. If you don’t think I would have been there for you, then you never really knew me at all.
-You don’t understand what I think about your “moving on with your life” means. I can’t stop you or “control” you. You make your own decisions and choices. The sooner you figure out that I am not your father or this controlling person the better. You have always been the one in control of yourself. Someday you will understand that. We can only control ourselves. This isn’t about your feelings anymore nor mine Joanne. We have a responsibility to our sons.
--You called me controlling last week. Not wanting you to drink and drive is not controlling or not wanting you to stay out till 3am is not controlling—it is human. Bars close at 2am. So it is human to worry about the mother of your children.
-I am sorry you are depressed. That isn’t healthy for you or the boys. I hope you do make that appointment to get help not for us, but for you.
-Here are the mediators, I am ready when you are. Just make the appointment and I will be there.
Well that is the latest...I like your line about loving her for the boys. That may be the only way I can still tolerate living in the same house with her. I can only imagine how hard it is on you at home trying to adhere to this. You keep getting pulled back in emotionally then tossed aside again. Has to be a rollercoaster for you daily. I haven't been able to get any emotion whatsoever...So maybe it is easier for me to practice everyday. The last couple days have been OK. I would imagine that is because I woke up and decided they were going to be OK.
I liked your story about what happened on Sunday regarding you carrying her on your shoulderrs. It is amazing how kids pick up on the littlest things of her wanting to tell her dad what you did. That is what hurts the most I guess. Is that their innocence is going to be lost. They are going to have to grow up so fast because of divorce. To your point, the real losers in this whole thing is the kids. You can tell by my wife's letter, this is about her. No one else.
You have to tell me if you get picked for Oprah...
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
